We talked to Elena Omelchenko, Doctor of Sociology, Director of the Center for Youth Studies at the St. Petersburg Campus of the National Research University Higher School of Economics (NRU HSE), about the life of teenagers and their parents in the Internet age and how to build relationships in order not to lose each other .
Psychologies: What do parents need to know about today’s teenagers?
Elena Omelchenko: At all times, the problem is the same: the growing generation is completely different, alien, unfamiliar, incomprehensible. Previously, the young man went to the yard, now – to the Internet. But the reason for leaving does not change. It is very difficult for a teenager. Therefore, the most important thing that a parent should know is that you cannot stop communicating. Whatever happens, have you stumbled upon a photo from a party where a “child” drinks alcohol on social networks, saw a comment with a foul language, suddenly discovered that a person at the age of 14 visits porn sites. Even if you find a package with an incomprehensible substance in the room or any other evidence of “horror” – in any situation, you must show love, trust and understanding. You can not build relationships with a teenager on the principle of war, struggle, especially punishment. A powerful protest is proof of a growing personality. If a boy or girl in adolescence encounters a strict ban, this only strengthens the wall.
The struggle that occurs within the family during a child’s puberty is absolutely normal. This period of hormonal adjustment of the body is often marked by an explosion of rebellion. The growing, sexualized “I” meets cultural norms and restrictions that are imposed by society. This is the battle of nature and culture, as the English psychologist Herbert Hall called it, taking place inside the teenage body. At this time, the young man defends his right to personal space: to his room, where you don’t have to go in without permission, your computer, which you don’t have to go into, your diaries that you can’t open, a phone that you can’t read text messages in. Maybe there is nothing there, but blackmail and control absolutely lead to conflicts and suppress the child even more. This, in turn, will have a very heavy impact on the future life.
Read more:
- Children in chats: what they talk about with each other
What is the best way to behave for parents who understand that they do not control their child’s life on the Internet?
E. O .: All sociologists note that today the generational gap is greater than ever. Children from the age of six or seven are already immersed in the digital world, these are their first skills, so they are acquired rapidly. For parents, there is only one way – not to look like “suckers”. Take up the study and not initially perceive this area as absolutely unknowable. Another very good move is to use the child as an expert. There is one English scientific study – children taught their parents how to quickly use mobile phones, use the Internet, ride skateboards and other things. This very successful program helped identify and eliminate communication errors. Parents learned more about their children, and the children received the necessary share of recognition.
Children taught parents, not grandparents?
E. O .: Only parents, yes. By the way, one of our studies showed that intergenerational relationships “hang” on the parents. Children have more trust and respect for their grandparents, for their experience, honesty, and solidity of their biography. They are heroes and creators for them, unlike their parents. Especially in families where mom and dad did not have enough time and they often “surrendered” the child to grandparents. Thus, the little person formed a feeling of himself as a hindrance – for his parents, and himself as joy and happiness – for his grandmother. Subsequently, this leads to the fact that busy parents are the weak link in communication.
Read more:
- K. Kerdellan, G. Greziyon “Children of the processor. How the Internet and video games are shaping tomorrow’s adults
If you compare teenagers of the 90s and teenagers of zero, what are they like today?
E. O .: A rich choice of information channels, information flows – all this polyphony enhances individualization. A small person from childhood is formed by the Internet and the media as a special personality capable of representation. They show themselves all the time. This was not the case before. If at first the Internet was a space of anonymity, now it is a territory of maximum openness. And not just openness, but persistent emphasis on one’s individuality. These are photographs, and constant monitoring of their movements, documentation of purchases, and so on. If we talk about the middle class, then the child has become a place of family investment. Previously, this was not in such a manic way. Individualism is a bet on personality, the understanding that everything you achieve is the result of only your own efforts, so parents invest and invest. Now a preschooler who does not study the language, who does not attend various classes, looks like a black sheep.
How does the Internet help children?
E. O .: We are now conducting an interesting study of the relationship of adolescents to their bodies. In this sense, the Internet plays a remarkable role. For example, adolescents with eating disorders (compulsive overeating, bulimia, anorexia), who are isolated at school and even in the family, instantly find a contact group on the Internet where they are understood, accepted and try to help. The path to your own becomes shorter. This is cool.
Many teenagers start to get tense if their parents add them as friends on social networks. How should mothers and fathers behave in this situation?
E. O .: Private space must not be violated. Perhaps it is worth discussing this topic with the child, something from the series “here, I have already entered and I want to figure it out here, do you mind if I add you”? It is a matter of trust and normal communication.
A parent should not do what is expected of him. For example, if mom or dad sees a photo of a child with a cigarette on social networks, then it is obvious that a public comment that reveals mom’s disapproving attitude will lead to rejection or discontent. Tactics should be more subtle, which, of course, requires special efforts from seniors. After all, you can talk about everything face to face and act not so predictably.
Read more:
- Facebook, me and my child: Parent-friend
Does this apply even to serious “sedition”, for example, suspicions of drug use?
E. O .: Yes, and even more, because in these situations it is especially important to maintain contact, and not cause conflict. It is always better if the child knows what he can share. Of course, not in all situations it is possible to maintain trust, but when it is, parents can be sure that the child will come to them too.
At the age of about 13 years, a switch of reference groups occurs. If before the age of 12 a child with his problems went to the family, then after he goes with them to friends, it doesn’t matter whether they are virtual or in the yard. If this moment coincides with some unresolved conflict with the parents, then the child finally understands that it is necessary to consult there, about everything. Parents through tough measures can remain an authority, but it will be a depressed child and a dependent person in the future. It is necessary to accept that you will no longer be the first, but there is a chance to remain among the important ones, to become a friend.
During the research, children told us how violently parents can react to some kind of discovery about their child’s life. Hysteria, insults – this is an irresponsible reaction. Listening, understanding, finding out what the matter is, saying “You, most importantly, don’t be upset, let’s talk about it now” – this is a constructive approach to the issue that requires the parent to exert self-control. Even if the child is not upset at all, your willingness to listen is the most important thing. If mom or dad understands that it is absolutely impossible to control himself, you need to drink a sedative, take a time out, say: “We will talk with you, but only tomorrow, I need to digest this.” It is important by all means to remain calm and not succumb to the temptation to make a scandal.
Read more:
- Facebook, me and my child: Parent sleuth
Can it be argued after all of the above that today’s teenagers are more independent and less in need of adults than their peers in the 90s?
E. O .: Of course not. This is the main contradiction of adolescence, its ambivalence. He wants to be independent, but there are not enough resources yet, neither psychological, nor physical, nor material. With the exception of the unique ones who, at the age of 14, open their own business and become millionaires. This also exists, but this is a special situation of the early realization of a person. In most cases, a high degree of dependence still remains.
Therefore, it is very important that the child should not be obliged to thank his parents – do not expect gratitude from him. A very common mistake: “I raised you, fed you, and now you are forever indebted to me for this.” It is great if the child himself has gone so far as to thank his parents, but he must be sure that this is not expected of him. If there are no such manifestations on the part of the child, they will come later if trust can be maintained. Don’t make him feel obligated.
Sociologists have a concept of “generational contract” – about who owes what to whom. This is a very serious issue that comes later, when the child starts earning, and it is connected with the fact that in the conditions of the social guarantee market, each new generation becomes less and less as they age. That’s when the roles change.