Psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova helps adults understand their children.
Your daughter’s classmate’s parents are complaining about her offensive comments on their child’s VKontakte page. The teacher reported that your son posted a photo of a classmate on the toilet on Instagram.
Question the fact. “It doesn’t matter what happened there, but this disgrace must be stopped,” is the first trap that many parents fall into. Before blaming the child, it is necessary to understand the situation, to talk with the friends of the daughter or son, and perhaps with their parents, in order to clearly understand what happened and why. Perhaps such an insulting act is the response of a teenager who is himself the object of ridicule or harassment? Or is the teacher laughing at that classmate whom your son (daughter) offended and, without realizing it, sets the tone for the whole class? Perhaps self-affirmation at the expense of other people is a familiar way of behavior for your child. Or he has another motive – the teenager’s involvement in an important group for him, and trolling the “enemies” of this company increases his authority and status among friends.
Stop him when he tests us. Age features must also be taken into account. Adolescents aged 13-14 tend to test the power of their own and someone else’s “I”. Their ideals are individuals who are able to stand up for themselves, who have their own opinion, but, not feeling such strength in themselves and their friends, they begin to look for it. By releasing humiliating comments, publishing defiant photographs, they test not only someone else’s “I”, but also their own, they are looking for the limit of what is permitted, “running up”. At such moments, they most need to be stopped.
Understand the child from his perspective. There is no need to dramatize his act, but it is necessary to talk with a teenager. Describe the situation to him as you see it, non-judgementally and objectively. Listen, ask guiding questions. It is important to know: the more the child needs help, the more biased he is. And yet try to look at the situation from his point of view. Only believing that his parents understood him, the teenager will be ready to hear your opinion.
Teach your teenager to distinguish between private and public life. Very often, teenagers think that their pages on social networks are a private space. They speak out on the Internet, not realizing that their words can be accessed by anyone. Teach your child to think before commenting on something – whoever sees his text, can it hurt anyone, hurt. Does anonymity, and therefore impunity, give confidence? Explain to him that this is the situation that best shows the strength and weakness of a person. A strong person is more likely to support someone who is trolled by others, even if he is not very sympathetic to him.
Svetlana Krivtsova, existential psychotherapist, director of the Institute of Existential-Analytical Psychology and Psychotherapy.