Teaching Responsibility in a Child

Responsibility, as a social skill, is objectively necessary for a child — in this case, he lays the foundation for a successful adult life. However, subjectively, at least in childhood and for people with an infantile worldview, responsibility looks a little attractive and rather like something external, for some reason imposed by adults.

Many children do not want to grow up because they do not see anything attractive in it. What for? Isn’t it better to be a child?

What to do with it? Do not give in and do your parenting. It is not necessary to overload the child with responsibility, but it is also impossible to retreat from the child’s unwillingness to grow up and take on additional burdens.

Any ability develops in the process of training, therefore, responsibility develops when a person somehow takes or is loaded with responsibility. Receptions:

• Give a heavy load. If parents try to protect the child from the difficulties of life, remove the child from everyday, material and other life difficulties, the child gets used to the fact that his parents will do everything for him. Or someone else. A small child does not understand such self-sacrifice, but gets used to a carefree life. Involve him in family affairs — let him help. Engage in your reflections on how best to do this or that.
• Teach him how to deal with difficulties. The most responsible child by nature will refuse responsibility if he simply does not know how to do this or that. Talk to your teenager about his plans, doubts, opportunities, family budget and family projects, about your own problems and desires. Your expectations and grievances should not be hidden from the child. In confidential and honest discussions, small common affairs planned together with him (it can be some improvements in your apartment, arranging a family holiday, a family trip), you can gradually work out the line of behavior that will suit both you and him.
• Help in matters that are still difficult for him. Probably, any child would like to earn money, as they expand his capabilities. But you need to look for work, you need to negotiate with strangers, rebuild the usual rhythm of life. Often a teenager is held back by the fear that there will not be enough strength for both classes and work. The best time to start working is the holidays. Offer to help you find a job. At first, you can even work with your child. And then, most likely, a teenager will want to team up with his friend.
• With things that he can handle already on his own — let him handle it on his own. A small child can remove his toys if he is taught to do this. And if a child does not appreciate his toys, breaks them (throws, forgets, does not clean up), then he is left without toys. When a student already knows how to do homework, he must do his homework on his own.
• From time to time it is useful to put the child in a situation where there is no other way out of life than to be responsible. If you want to survive — take on the work of responsibility. Circumstances require. Understanding comes: no one will do anything for you. The experience of independence helps: either you feed yourself, or you remain hungry.
• Load with responsibility. Appoint responsible in situations where it is inconvenient to refuse. Watch the video «Cadet Stone, Take Control of the Platoon!»
• Exchange for rights. New, attractive rights are given in exchange for this or that new responsibility.
• Put the child in a situation where responsibility is internally (morally) mandatory. Left without parents, next to him is a younger brother, even more stupid than you — but still a brother. The result — I take responsibility for it.
• Learn to pay for your initiatives and for your failures.

How can you help your child become responsible?

Over time, you will have to get rid of the habit of directing your child’s life. This should no longer be your concern, but his direct responsibility. To do this, try to use the advice of American experts in working with parents of adolescents, spouses R. T. and J. Bayard. They advise doing the following three steps.

First step. Take a paper and a pencil and make as complete a list as possible of everything that offends you about your child’s behavior. Worries and hurts you, and not the family as a whole or other people. For example: does not want to change clothes after school; watches TV all day; does not do homework; does not clean his room, etc. Go through the list, considering at this time whether all the problems in it are relevant to you personally.

The second step. When the list is ready, go over it again and select in a separate list those items that have certain consequences for the child, but do not affect you in any way. Let’s say you are worried that your teenager has become bad at school, you are not able to get him to go to school or do homework. But it affects, first of all, his or her life. He or she will not be able to choose the type of activity that he or she likes, the people with whom he will have to communicate, etc.

Take this item off your list and include it on your child’s list of things to worry about. But you can leave in the list those items that are relevant directly to you. For example, because of him you are called to school, and you have to listen to accusations about his poor studies or behavior. Or, having stopped going to school, lives at home as a dependent, with no responsibilities.

The third step. Now you have a list of those actions of the child that affect your life. That’s what they need to work with. To do this, first, waive your own responsibility for these items. Second, develop confidence that your child can make the right decisions for himself in all these cases. Let your child understand and feel this trust of yours.

How to apply theory in practice?

Start with one of the items. Once selected, imagine your teen doing the act related to that item. As soon as you do this, you will feel a familiar emotional jolt — a mixture of anxiety, anger and helplessness.

But then you force yourself to remember: now it is not you, but your child who is responsible for this behavior. You should no longer experience these unpleasant feelings. Feel a new state of relief and freedom. Now you can look at the act of a teenager as if from the outside: with interest and confidence in the fact that he himself can solve his problem.

Then think about and rehearse your message to your son or daughter that you are handing over responsibility for that checklist item to them. You can say something like this: “Last time I was worried that you didn’t go to school and I was angry that I couldn’t get you to go there. I thought about it for a long time and decided that this is really your business, because it affects, first of all, your life. I realized that you can make your own decisions about your studies. From today I am not going to interfere in these decisions and trust you: whatever you decide, it will be right for you. I will continue to be interested in your affairs and help you in every possible way, if, of course, you ask about it. But in general, now it’s up to you.»

Then think about what you would say about those aspects of his reluctance to go to school that may bother you personally. For example: “I’m not going to interfere in your affairs, but I want you not to bring your friends home during school lessons. I want each of us to fulfill our responsibilities. I don’t want to support a dependent.»

​​​​​​​You use precisely “I-statements”, on your own behalf, and as concisely as possible.

Now go to your son or daughter, state directly to them that you have made a decision on a certain problem, and formulate this decision.

Over the next few days or weeks, transfer responsibility for the rest of the items on the list to your teen in the same way.

The reaction of the child is different, sometimes unexpected, from joy to accusations that they are not taken care of. There may be no reaction at all. But the first step towards solving your problems will be taken.