Teach your child to listen and obey

Smart parents have funny, smart and obedient children. Moreover, smart and loving parents take care of this: they make sure that their children are not only smart, but also obedient. This seems obvious: if you want to teach a child to do good things, you first need to teach him to obey you elementarily.

You tell your child: “You need to wash” or “Wash your hands!”, But he does not listen to you. You remind that it’s time to break away from the computer and sit down for lessons, he frowns with displeasure: «Leave me alone!» “Of course it’s a mess.

Unfortunately, ordinary children have long been accustomed to not listening to their parents: you never know what they say! And the point here is not in the children, but in us, in the parents, when we say things that are important for us to the children somehow not seriously, not paying attention to whether the children are listening to us or not, when we put forward our demands unconvincingly. Your requests should be calm but clear orders, sound weighty and be accompanied by control. At the University of Practical Psychology, I give students some good tasks to work out the correct intonations for interaction, including with children. The child must know that your words are not empty words, and if you warn that toys that are not removed are thrown away, they really disappear. If a parent approaches a child with a confident request, knowing that he has leverage, the child will respond to such a request.

But it’s not just about the right wording and leverage, there is another important trick in building relationships with a child, namely, whether your child has a HABIT to obey you. “To obey or not to obey parents” is determined not only by what and how the parents say, it is also determined simply by the child’s habits. There are children who have the habit of thoughtlessly obeying everyone, and there are children who have the habit of just as thoughtlessly not obeying anyone. Obedience to «everyone» or «no one» are equally bad habits, but the habit of obeying selectively, namely, OBEYING YOUR PARENTS, is a great habit! Your children should have the habit of paying attention to what you say, the habit of doing what you ask them to. Teach your child to listen and obey you, and you will have your parental authority, you will have the opportunity to raise a developed and thinking person from your child.

Is it hard to get your kids into this habit? Much depends on age: it is difficult to teach a teenager to obey his parents, for many mothers it is almost unrealistic (dads are more often security officials and therefore it is easier to solve these issues), and developing such a habit in a small child is a solvable task. In principle, the sooner you begin to develop in your child the habit of listening and obeying you, the easier it will be for you.

The easiest method to help you with this is the Nine Steps method. Its idea is to teach your child to obey you, starting with the simplest, most elementary things, and very gradually, methodically move step by step to more difficult things. From simple to complex. First, we do what any parent can do with any child, then we add a little, then a little more — and so we go a long way from a natural child to a well-bred child who already understands that people who are loving and more experienced than him should be obeyed correctly.

The age at which the Nine Steps algorithm works best is from 2 to 12 years old. After 12 years, a well-bred child should already become your friend and helper, you are no longer so much raising him, but helping him in his self-education, helping him to solve life’s tasks in the best way.

And now to business. What are these steps?

Step 1: Addition

As the King from Antoine Saint-Exupéry’s fairy tale «The Little Prince» said, controlling the sunrise is easy, you just need to know when the sunrise occurs. Say at the right moment: “Sun, rise!”, and you will become the lord of the rising sun … So is the child: if the child does not obey you yet, he still does something. Go from what is, adapt to what he does, and direct his activity in the direction you need.

The child runs, you shout to him: “Well done, faster, faster!” He gleefully adds speed.

Sat down at the table, you know what the child loves, what he will still reach for. Get ahead of him: «Take your favorite bread!» You said he took it.

Little Nikita loves to clap his hands. “How does Nikita clap her hands? — Good girl, Nikita! And now, Nikita, show me how the car hums! … Amazing!» You teach him to do what you tell him to. He is one and a half years old, and he is already learning to listen to you and obey.

If you can’t handle it, lead it. You cannot (yet) control the behavior of the child — adapt to what he does anyway, and what he wants to do himself.

Step 2: Taming: train to come when called

Do you know what «attach» is? The fisherman throws additional food into the river — he attracts fish. When an ancient man decided to tame wild dogs, he also started with affection, then he began to feed them, then stroke them, and gradually taught them to run up to him when he called them. Have you already tamed your children? Do they come running to you when you call them? If your children are still wild, start like an ancient man by taming them.

Your child loves to crunch apples or nibble cookies: your task is to make sure that access to these sweets is not free, but only through you. This is not in the vase, but you can give it to your child. Now you don’t wait until he starts begging from you, but choosing a good time, you yourself announce: “Who wants a tasty apple, quickly runs to me!”, “Cookies, cookies, delicious cookies for obedient kids.” Children run, you treat them and stroke their heads: “Well done, how quickly you run to your mother!” So the hunt has taken place — you are already accustoming children to come to you when you call them.

Invite your child to you — and praise him when he comes to you! A bait can be not only food, but everything that the child likes: and squeeze the cream on the cake, and cut the bread, and the time when you can play with the child in the games that he loves. “Mom has five minutes! Whoever comes running quickly can play hide and seek with her! Important: if a child comes running, you reinforce it: give a bait and praise. If the child is in no hurry to resort, comes later and demands, you do not give a bait: “That’s it! It’s all over already!”, but you prompt: “When mom calls, you need to run quickly!”. Teach your child to fulfill your requests, reinforcing it with joy.

Step 3. Calm Presence and Format

Little children do not obey you, not because they do not respect you, but because they never know how to obey. And they don’t know how to listen to themselves. Their body owns them, but they do not own their own body. What to do? Teach them to control their body.

Your child should learn to stand and sit calmly, without grimacing and keeping their facial expressions. This is taught by dance and sports coaches, teachers in good schools, dear governesses and army-hardened dads in families. A child can learn many things through games: “Freeze!” (half of the children freezes, the other half tries to make them laugh. Whoever laughs loses!).

Step 4. Learning to Negotiate

Your child will be intelligent, not a capricious being, if you teach him to use his mind. And for this, take the time to explain to the child what is good and what is bad — and teach him to negotiate. You can try to talk intelligently with a child even at two years old, and if your child is already three years old, this is already a must. Teach your child to negotiate and fulfill agreements!

You and your child are on the playground, it’s time for you to leave, but the child doesn’t want to leave, he wants to play more. Just command? The child may begin to protest with a roar. What to do? Agree. The first agreement is before coming to the playground. “You want to go to the playground, but we can’t play there for a long time, I will have to go home, cook dinner. Do you promise me that when I say that we have to go, you will not cry, but will say goodbye to all the children and come home with me? Won’t you stop me?» The second conversation is when it’s time for you to leave. Most likely, the child will begin to whine: “Mom, I have a little more!”. Here your task is to calmly cut him off from the players and discuss how to behave correctly in such a situation. “If you promised that you would not whine and cry when you need to go home, you can’t whine and cry. Otherwise, how will they believe you next time?”

It is important here that respect for agreements is supported by all close adults, the position is the same: “We agreed — we must comply. And whoever does not fulfill the agreements is a violator, a whim and a small one, nothing serious can be allowed to him. We agree and do not be capricious.

Step 5: No whims

An obedient child not only DOes what you ask him to do, he also STOPS doing what you do not like. The child tries to fight the will of his parents through his whims and tantrums, and your task at this step is to stop reacting to them in any way. Learn to do your own thing without reacting to the whims of the child — in those cases when you yourself are sure that you are right and you know that everyone will support you.

You all rush to the train, collect things. In this case, the whims of the child «Well, play with me!» will be easily ignored by everyone, including grandmothers. Teach your child that there are important things to do. Teach your child to say, «This is important.» If you sat down in front of him and, looking into his eyes, holding his shoulders, calmly and firmly say: “Adults now need to get together, and we will play with you later. It is important!» — then soon the child will begin to understand you. It is important!

Step 6: Requirements

Your child is already quickly running to you when you call him with something tasty, has stopped being capricious and no longer throws tantrums. As a rule, he will do what you asked him to do, but he is not yet used to the fact that you can seriously demand something from him. Requests are soft, while demands are hard and mandatory. Is that the way to listen? At this step, again act consistently, but carefully, at first demand a minimum and only when everyone supports you.

The child has already grown up enough to … In order not to take a toy from someone else’s child, to pick up a fallen mitten yourself, to put porridge in your mouth on your own … — Always look for those moments when your demands will be supported by everyone around, so that even grandmothers would at least remain silent.

If your requirements for a child are too much, if he does not keep up with your numerous requirements, or you do not have the support of others, do not push. Like politics, education is the art of the possible. Napoleon himself taught his commanders: «Give only those orders that will be carried out.»

However, gradually remove the bait as something obligatory, start calling the child already without rewarding him with something tasty. It’s time to teach the child that if mom (especially dad) is his name, you need to come simply because he was called. If he doesn’t go right away, they repeated it, but achieved it. And now they drew his attention to the fact that you had to wait for him, and asked him to come when his mother calls. No need to swear, just say: “When mom calls, you need to come right away!” And kiss! Slowly, your child will begin to learn it.

Step 7: Responsibilities

Requirements are one-time, and duties are a system of constant requirements for the child. The time has come to teach the child that each member of the family has his own responsibilities, and he must participate in family affairs on an equal basis with mom and dad. Having explained this to the child, begin to confidently give him tasks, but also act gradually here: let him first choose his duties according to his strength, let him do what is not difficult for him, or, moreover, even want a little.

This is a step more difficult for mothers than for a child. Moms really want to do everything themselves and not strain the child. So, dear mothers and, in principle, parents, make sure that the child always has things to do at your request. The child should not fade away the understanding that he has tasks, and he must do it. Make up your bed, take away a cup, wash the dishes, run to the store — most likely, it’s easier and cheaper for you to do it all yourself, but you are educators, so your task is to restrain yourself, not to do it yourself and entrust it to the child every time .

At first, the child has to be reminded of his duties; after a while, the duty to remember should already fall on the child himself. Remembering your responsibilities is also the responsibility of the child!

Step 8: Self-reliance

When the child already knows what duties are, it’s time to teach him to be independent. The ability to obey is the basis of intelligent independence. The independence of an obedient child is that you can already give him difficult tasks in the confidence that he will complete them completely on his own, without your help and prompts. It is no longer just “Go to the store” or “It is your duty to take out the bucket”, but “Pack up all the things that you will need on the trip”, “Grandma needs help digging a garden in the country”, “Toothache? Call the clinic, find out when the doctor is, go and get your teeth fixed. As usual, not everything will turn out right away, at first the child will need your tips, help and support, but the more often he begins to successfully cope with difficult assignments, the faster he will wake up a taste for independence. So, move from simple to complex, from dense, frequent and specific clues to rare and general clues, and thus gradually move on to more and more difficult and independent tasks, mostly on the most positive background, with small irregular reinforcements and rare large ones.

Ideally, if you go somewhere for a relatively long time, your child should be able to live without you without big problems. He is already on his own!

Step 9: Responsibility

Well, the last step remains: responsibility. Women do not really like the word “responsibility”, they are closer to “caring”, but there is a difference between these words: a caring person pays only with efforts and soul, and a person responsible for his mistakes pays really. If you entrust a child with a responsible task, for this, in the event of a puncture, either the child or you will have to pay. But children grow up, it’s time to introduce them to responsibility, and now you entrust the child with not just deeds, but responsible deeds: those for which you need to answer to other people or, simply, pay for mistakes.

You instructed the child to place an expensive service on the table. Or put money in the bank. Or — to bring a little sister from the kindergarten … Will she not break it? Will not lose? Will not forget?

Taking on a responsible matter, the child already knows the price of a mistake, and treats the assignment responsibly: he will think over everything, remember, follow up and check, and he will definitely report back to you at the end.

When a child learns this too, you can be proud — you already have an adult in front of you. You have raised an adult, responsible person! Remember, it all started with quiet, neat outbuildings to a completely naughty child?

Of course, and after that no one will promise you that your children will become angels and will never disobey you. Everything is possible, our children do not always obey us. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. How to react to it? Calmly. If you act wisely, you will solve this issue without difficulty.

By the way, is there anything after the eighth step, after the formation of responsibility in the child? Your child is not only ready to fulfill your requests, he knows his duties, he is a completely independent and responsible person. And it’s all? Is there anything else we want to give our child? Tell me, when and how will we set the task so that our children grow up as loving people?

Should children unquestioningly listen to their parents?

There can be no single answer to this question, precisely because parents are different. There are parents — alcoholics, there are — smart and loving. If we talk about smart and loving parents, then our answer will be positive: yes, children should obey such parents implicitly. Why? What for? Because smart and loving parents love their children and will never demand from their children what will be harmful to children. Such parents love to just talk to their children, spend time with them — and listen to what the children share with them. You don’t often hear demands on your children from them, and they demand only what is really necessary.

5 years old: when going out onto the road, you need to take your mother by the hand and don’t play around here. 10 years: first lessons, then computer games. 15 years: at 22.00 — sleep!

Usually they do not even demand it, but gently ask, rather, prompt and remind, and this is enough. Why? Because children are already used to the fact that their wonderful parents need to be obeyed, and they understand that if mom or, moreover, dad said something, all the more they said it seriously, it needs to be done. And not just to do it, but to do it right away, exactly as it is said and without dissatisfied faces, so that later the child himself does not encounter the phenomenon of his own inner saboteur.