“You must”, “it is necessary” — we were inspired from childhood. How often these words get in the way of living your own life and following your desires. So the presenter Tatyana Lazareva, only at the age of 50, dared to think about what she owes and to whom, what she herself wants, and how important it is sometimes to get off the usual path.
It seems to me that everyone has such a moment in life when you understand: there is no turning back. And then the person goes forward, because he sees no other way out.
I remember such a moment: summer, heat, a dacha near Moscow. I, heavily pregnant with Sophia, the middle daughter. Stepan is running ahead, he is three years old. Terribly hot, I have two huge bags in my hands, and even Sophia in my stomach. And I understand that now I will faint. This happens to me sometimes.
And now I’m already looking after the wall to slide along it, and it’s getting dark in my eyes. Out of the corner of my eye I notice that there are no cars, everything is fine with Styopa, and I allow myself to switch off for a while. But just at that moment, Stepan stumbles and falls — before me. Bare knees, bare asphalt, screaming. Not even a cry, but a pig squeal.
And I immediately give my body another command: “I got up and went! What other fainting? I get up and go. With bags, belly — as if nothing had happened.
Now this situation, when there is simply no turning back, has been repeated for me in my profession. I realized that I should look for something new, and not look back. And it’s completely obvious to me.
I realized that I should look for something new, and not look back
But this point is not always clear. Sometimes you need to spend some time, listen to yourself: can you come back or not? If you can, you must push off with such force that you can no longer return. Because the road back is easy, we know it well, this is our rear. Stepping forward is harder, scarier. Because you have to leave your comfort zone. This phrase is so deceptively positive. Seems like comfort is good. In fact, it’s just the situation we’re used to.
Imagine that you are sitting on an anthill. Sit so long that you don’t expect any surprises. They nested there, got used to the bites, everything is fine, you can even relax sometimes. Why go anywhere else? What if in another anthill it will be worse, more painful?
In my opinion, this is obvious: changing life and moving forward, we grow, rise. When we stand on the bottom step, the horizon is limited. We got up a step higher — the horizons are already wider, and there are fewer stereotypes.
Parents were taught from childhood: “you must do this and only this”, and they raised us the same way.
For the generation of our parents, life basically went by inertia — study, work, retirement, garden, grandchildren, TV. From childhood, they were taught: “you must do this and only this way”, and they brought us up in the same way: “you must”, “it’s right”.
We tried to format comfortable children so that they could be taken and rearranged like a chair. Many of these children still do not know how to say “no” because they are afraid that they will be judged. And in me this stereotype is embedded — «you must.» I had to live to be 50 years old to dare to think about what I really want to do, about my mission, no matter how pathetic it may sound.
Although many have long considered me a brave woman. They often say: why are you so brave? Are you afraid of nothing? No, I say, I’m not afraid of something. I think this feeling of inner freedom, a little more than others, appeared already in childhood, because my sister and I had some stereotypes initially broken.
My sister and I had some stereotypes initially broken.
Our father is blind. Disabled since childhood. After the war, he, seven years old, lived in Voronezh, and there, as in many cities, the boys found the remains of mines and cartridges on the ground and threw them into the fire. And so dad also picked up the fuse, and he exploded right in his hands. Dad’s right arm was torn off and his eyes burned. No one in those days was going to save his eyesight, and by the age of 14 it died out completely.
When he went to school, there children were disabled through one. Who has no eyes, who has legs — a common thing. And in the Novosibirsk Academgorodok, where my sister and I grew up, the attitude towards injuries was completely different. There were five blind people in all.
And for most of our peers, having a disabled father was something abnormal, out of the ordinary. And my sister and I grew up on this model, and we didn’t have another dad.
So in our family, at least one setting went astray, and this broken norm helped me get a little out of the general line, to be different from everyone else. At least I’ve always been a wildly awkward child. Maybe that’s why now I always climb somewhere, I need everything.
It takes a lot of effort to break your own stereotypes
Although you still have to put a lot of effort into breaking your own stereotypes. Do not regret wasting time on yourself. Don’t be afraid to be happy. You know how they say on the plane: put the mask on yourself first, then on the child. It will be good for you, and everyone around you will be good.
Previously, I often had to communicate with people who are called toxic. Today I don’t talk to them at all. At the same time, I do not at all deny those who are unpleasant to me. I just allow myself to go my own way and not cross paths with them. There are many different roads, enough for everyone.
The article was prepared based on the talk show by Tatyana Lazareva, which was held as part of her program “Weekend with Meaning” on May 20, 2017.