Tantrums in a child: what to do?

The psychologist shares tantrums and whims. Whims are a requirement that, as the child thinks, they must immediately fulfill.

– The whim is directed at you – the one who does not give the child what he wants, – says Larisa Surkova. – Hysteria is a powerful emotional attack aimed at the release of certain experiences. Screaming, screeching – all the same as with a whim, but hysterics requires spectators. Therefore, she quickly dies down without attentive eyes, words of sympathy and attempts to calm down.

Tantrums don’t happen out of nowhere. Here are their main reasons:

• “They don’t understand me.” The child does not yet know how to speak or cannot clearly express his thought.
• “I don’t understand what they want from me.” This is also true for older children. An adult sets tasks, but a child does not understand how to accomplish this.
• “I’m tired”. The kid can get tired of positive emotions, a long day, flights, change of scenery and communication.
• Misunderstanding of time. For example, a child wants to go for a walk, but they tell him: “Let’s go in an hour.” Until the age of 5-6, children do not understand how much it really is.
• Overload is the most common cause of hysteria in schoolchildren.

Larisa Surkova emphasizes: hysteria is unloading. At 4-5 years old, the child can be allowed to shout for 5-10 minutes.

But prolonged hysteria threatens to lead to problems. What, in this case, does the psychologist advise?

1. Try to avoid tantrums. If the day was full of emotions, bathe the child and go to bed early. You can give chamomile tea with a drop of honey.

2. Hysteria is fanned by the audience. Stay alone with your child. Be quiet for 2-3 minutes, just be there. Then start speaking quietly and firmly, trying to divert attention.

3. Try to distract. “Look, I bought new candy.” Say what prompts you to action: go, see, change the scene. Offer to arrange a competition: “Come on, who will run home first?”

4. “False choice”. Ignoring the tantrum, offer your child two other options for the development of events. For example: “Shall we go bake cookies together or draw with pencils?”

5. Loneliness. After two years, if the child is in a familiar environment, you can leave him alone. But not for long. The number of minutes alone is appropriate for the age: at 2 years old, the child can be left for 2 minutes.

6. Keep yourself in control. Remember: it is hard for the baby, he is growing, changing and still does not know how to live with the flow of emotions, from which he falls into hysterics.

7. Do not warm up the tantrum with analysis: “I warned you,” “It’s my own fault,” “It’s because you didn’t listen to me.”

8. Be consistent. Almost always, parents are to blame for children’s tantrums and whims. We first allow everything, and then suddenly we begin to educate. Or, for example, mom forbids, and dad allows. The child tries to solve such contradictions by means of manipulation – hysteria. Agree right away what is allowed in your family and what is not.

Dossier: family psychologist, writer, author of teenage drama books, as well as books on psychology “Your Incomprehensible Child”, “Love or Raise”, etc., mother of two children.

1. Try to read the child’s message as accurately as possible. And do not treat his whims as another attempt to torment you. One of the reasons for hysterics can be a chronic or just beginning illness. The child is painful, stuffy, hot, nauseous or chills. But he may not know how to say about it in words.

“When a child began to be capricious unexpectedly or“ out of the blue, ”in the next few hours, you should carefully monitor his state of health,” writes Ekaterina Murasheva in her book “Your Incomprehensible Child”.

2. Teach your child to express his feelings in words, not whims. To do this, you yourself must talk about your feelings in the presence of the child. A three-year-old child, accustomed to listening to himself, may well say: “I’m angry now! I wanted to play with the cat, but she scratches. “

3. Do not mind the child if he talks about his condition. He knows better what he is experiencing. Do not replace his feelings with yours. Otherwise, in the future, the child will look back at his parents or peers in search of an answer to the question “how do I feel now?”

4. Parents’ mistake – selection of options for the child. “Are you tired? Do you have a headache? Maybe a tummy? Would you like some cookies? ” He will only have to poke a finger, and it will not be about the true message of the child, but about the most advantageous offer.

5. After reading the message, clearly tell the child how you understood it and what you are going to do. Nothing? Tell us about this, explaining the reason. For example: “I understand you are tired. I really sympathize with you. But there are still two blocks to the stop, and we don’t have a stroller. We’ll have to go as we went. I’m sure you can make it. ” If the child, interrupting the whining, wants to correct you or make some additions, listen to him and praise: “Well done, that he explained. Now everything is clear to me. “

6. Be consistent. If something is forbidden to a child, let “no” remain “no”. And by allowing, endure all the consequences to the end. If, when you go out for a walk, you were told that you would not buy anything at the stall, stay true to your word, despite the whims of children.

7. The main reason for capriciousness is improper upbringing. A permissive or permissive type of upbringing leads to the fact that the child practically does not know the word “no”, and any prohibition ends with a violent protest.

“Parents are afraid of such formidable manifestations and abandon their attempts, which further exacerbate the situation,” says the psychologist.

And, on the contrary, there are families with a prohibitive, overly strict type of upbringing. A child living under strict prohibitions, at first tries to comply with all the rules and please his parents, but soon gets tired of this, begins to feel that “you can’t live like that.” And then again everything ends with a protest.

8. The whims of the child can happen due to conflicts in the family. The child, by his behavior, is trying to say: “I do not want people who are significant to me to quarrel among themselves!”

9. Do not confuse whims with attempts to explore the world. Usually, in the third year of life, a child studies the parents’ reaction to their actions.

“If you are firm and consistent enough, then quite quickly (for different children it takes from several months to two years), the child will get used to all the variety of your reactions and will quite clearly understand what can and cannot be allowed in communicating with parents, ”writes Ekaterina Murasheva in her book.

Dossier: New Zealand psychologist, specializes in working with difficult children, author of the books “Before your child drives you crazy”, “Daughter studies. Fathers Raising Daughters ”, etc. Father of two children.

1. Any behavior is communication. When babies cry, it means that they are not doing well. The most important thing is to find out exactly what they want to tell us in order to meet their specific needs.

There are five main messages that infants try to convey to their parents: “I’m hungry”; “I want to burp up”; “I do not feel good”; “I’m tired”; “I got my diapers dirty.”

2. All children are attention-eating piranhas. They quickly learn that screaming and howling can attract attention. All the problems are that parents pay too much attention to the child’s bad behavior, encouraging this behavior with phrases: “Stop!”, “How long to ask you?”, “How many times have I told you!”, “I warn you for the last time …”

3. Don’t turn a blind eye to bad behavior. Certain behavior should never be tolerated. But 90 percent of all bad behavior can be completely ignored. If you stop fixing it, then it will disappear.

Moreover, if you decide to ignore certain behavior, do so always.

“Little hairless chimpanzees need to understand that as soon as they start to grumble and be capricious, the chimpanzee mom and chimpanzee dad will turn their backs on them and walk away with all the bananas,” writes the psychologist.

4. Good behavior is reinforced by praise.… For children, it is like water and sun for plants. Once you understand this, you can tackle just about any problem. Many parents simply do not know how to praise their children. Usually because they themselves did not hear kind words in childhood.

Praise for specific deeds: “Thank you for helping to deliver the products.” This is how children understand the connection between certain behaviors and praise. Do not forget to use the pronouns “I”, “I” so that the child understands that he is being praised not by some cosmic forces, but specifically by you. “I really liked the way you put on your pajamas” instead of “Well done! You put on your pajamas well. ” Don’t praise your child by looking at the TV. Look in the eyes, make it clear that all your attention is now focused on him. That being said, be joyful and do not skimp on hugs. And don’t put the praise on hold – reinforce the child’s good behavior.

5. Don’t forgive terrible behavior. I saw a seven-year-old boy monstrously insult his parents, but the only one who was embarrassed was me. Of course, it is impossible to require children to behave perfectly at all times. They, by their very nature, play naughty from time to time, but this does not mean that such behavior must be reconciled. If you do nothing and calmly follow what is happening, then in the future it will only get worse.

6. Wherein no need to be a dictatorwhich suppresses the slightest signs of disagreement. It is natural to disagree and argue. Disrespecting is another matter. Controversy proves that you are doing your job as a parent. They testify that children grow up and that they have their own opinion about everything.

7. Switching attention Is a powerful means of controlling the behavior of young children. It is very easy to captivate them with something new. Thanks to this, unpleasant scenes can be avoided 95 percent of the time.

Change the subject. If the kid does not want to wash, ask him: “What did you do today in the kindergarten?” Focus on the nice part: “Let’s see if the rubber duck can blow bubbles!”

Come up with a pleasant way to get to the desired action. For example, with the words “let’s fly into the bath like a dragon”, grab the baby, circle with him, growl and hiss down into the water.

Become an idiot. The more stupid you behave, the better. Grab something and pretend it says.

Lie frankly. Ask a child who is capricious in the supermarket if a blue bunny has run around here.

Dossier: English family psychotherapist, master of the Institute of Family Therapy and the University of London, member of the British Council for Psychotherapy, author of the book “How to calm a difficult child.” Mom of three children.

“The main rule is don’t give up,” Miriam says. – Otherwise, children will understand that tantrums are an effective means of getting what they want.

1. Keep calm. Yes, it is difficult, especially if the child is throwing a tantrum in public. We immediately feel awkward, angry, annoyed. However, your anger will only make the situation worse.

“Most people don’t think you’re a bad mother. They genuinely sympathize, says Miriam. “Your calm, indifferent appearance can be much more effective than your anger, because often children are capricious only to get attention.”

2. Don’t rush to say no… Prevention is better than cure. “Many parents say no too quickly, which can instantly bring a child to the boiling point,” says Miriam. By showing your child that you are on their side, you can prevent conflict.

For example: “I wish I could buy you this toy, but, unfortunately, it is too expensive.” This answer is much better than a short, harsh no.

3. Let the steam blow off. Allow your physical energy to be wasted before going somewhere that should be quiet. Jumping rope, catching up will help the child’s body to use up stress hormones, and then your child will be much calmer.

4. Wait out the storm. Let the child give vent to feelings, and then, when he calms down, you can comfort him.

5. Name the child’s feelings. It is difficult for children to understand what is happening to them. Help me figure it out: “You are now angry that I did not buy you the toy that you wanted so badly.” Express your sympathy and understanding. Say you get angry too when you don’t get what you want. But you can get angry in different ways, and not all forms of expressing feelings are beautiful, useful, and effective.

6. Fight tantrums together. Come up with a playful name with the child for what is happening to him: he was attacked by a scoundrel, Aunt Hysterical came. This will allow the child to shift their focus and see you as a friend instead of an abuser.

7. Suggest an alternative. Think about the situations in which the child usually throws tantrums. For example, in a supermarket – in the toy department. Talk to him about your next shopping trip: “I’m going to the store. I can take you with me, but on condition that you do not ask for a new toy. Today I have no money for this. ” Explain what happens if the child breaks the contract. “I can’t take you to the supermarket, to the cinema, etc. anymore.” So you will not only protect yourself from hysteria, but also teach your child to understand the cause-and-effect relationships of his own behavior.

8. Don’t let your child get off the hook. It’s okay to go back to what happened and deal with it. Ask the child: how he, in his opinion, behaved, how he felt at that moment. Tell him how his actions made you feel. Invite the child to come up with other options for the development of events and agree that you both will do this next time.

9. Let me make amends. Bad behavior doesn’t always have to result in punishment. “A child may feel terrible after doing something wrong. And that is a punishment in itself, ”says Miriam. – Let him do something that can smooth over his behavior. So you kind of tell him that he was wrong, but you both are ready to move on.

Dossier: American writer, TV presenter, psychologist, teacher, playwright. Author of the book When Your Child Drives You Crazy.

1. When I see a small child wandering dejectedly, or refusing to go with his mother, or throwing a tantrum in a store, I immediately interpret his behavior as a special kind of fatigue.

2. When children do irrational things, they feel terribly lonely! They think that no one has ever felt this way. They never think that their parents would ever feel this way.

3. Children are more capricious and cry, feeling irritated by their parents. “

4. At the age of five to six years, sometimes there are bouts of fatigue that border on insanity. The child feels complete and deep exhaustion, loses the ability to comprehend the world around him. It is a feeling of complete chaos and confusion. The only thing he tries to help himself with is crying. “

5. We behave the most irritated and irrational in relation to the child when he reminded us – on a deep subconscious level – those feelings that we experienced in childhood and which we do not want to remember.

6. Once a man got on the bus, in his arms he was holding a girl who was screaming and crying loudly. He could clearly see the irritation on the faces of the other passengers. When the young father sat down, he gripped the screaming creature tightly in his arms and said to her quietly but firmly: “Jenny, dear, I know how bad you are. You are hungry and tired, this is a terrible feeling. You can’t stop crying, you want to stop but you can’t. Let me rock you. Soon we will be at home, you will lie down in your bed, and I will sing to you before bed. ” Moments later, as soon as the signal of understanding broke through fatigue, Jenny calmed down, sucked her finger and fell asleep.

But what can a petite mom, laden with shopping, do when there are three blocks left to walk and the child is crying and wants to be picked up? The threats I heard varied with spanking, my mother shouted: “If you don’t go this minute, I’ll just leave you here!” But, probably, a lot could have changed if she sat on the sidewalk next to the child and rested for a few minutes. “

Excerpts from the book French Children Don’t Spit Food. Secrets of education from Paris “:

“The thought that I often heard from the French: without prohibitions, children would be lost in the sea of ​​their desires. French parents emphasize the importance of restrictions because they know that without them, children would fall into the element of their own impulses. Bans help contain and calm the inner storm.

This, perhaps, explains the fact that my children are the only ones who throw public hysterics in Parisian parks. A tantrum helps a child when he is overwhelmed with emotions, but he does not understand how to control himself. Other children are used to hearing the word “no” and are able to accept rejection. But not mine. My no sounds weak and uncertain. It is unable to put an end to the string of whims. “

“It is very difficult to find the arithmetic mean between commanding and respecting the child, the ability to listen to him. Once I dress Joey before leaving the creche, he suddenly starts crying. And I am all imbued with a new idea: the main word is behind me. And I am implementing it with the zeal of a convert fanatic.

But Fatima, my son’s favorite teacher, hears his whimpering and enters the locker room. She chooses a completely different tactic. Leans over to him and strokes his head.

– What’s the matter? She asks affectionately.

For her, this hysteria is not an abstract and inevitable whim of a “terrible two-year-old”, but an attempt by a person to tell about something – a small but completely rational person.

After a minute, maybe two, Joey calms down and explains – with words and gestures – that he wants to take a hat from his locker. So that’s what all the hysteria was about! Fatima watches as Joey walks over to the locker, opens it and takes out a hat. After that, he immediately calms down and is ready to go home.

Note, Fatima is not a mumble. The children respect her very much. Listening patiently to Joey, she did not show weakness at all. No, she just reassured him and gave him the opportunity to express what he wants. “

“The French have many conflicting principles, but not many immutable rules. It is important to establish prohibitions, and observe the child, and establish mutual understanding, and then adjust to the situation. “

Dossier: Polish educator, writer, doctor and public figure.

An excerpt from the book “How to Love a Child”:

“Motherhood ennobles a woman when she refuses, renounces, sacrifices; and demoralizes when, hiding behind the imaginary good of the child, he gives him to be torn apart by his vanity, tastes and passions.

My child is my property, my slave, my lap dog. I tickle him behind the ear, stroke his back, wearing a bow, take him for a walk, train him to be smart and polite, but I get tired of: “Go play. Go work out. Time to sleep!”

They say the cure for hysteria is this: “Are you claiming to be a rooster? Well, stay them, just don’t sing. “

“You’re hot-tempered,” I say to the boy. – Okay, fight, just don’t hurt too much, get angry, but only once a day. If you like, in this one sentence I have outlined the entire pedagogical method that I use. “