The conflict between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, in which two women are fighting for the attention of a man, does not lose its relevance. Many stereotypes have formed around him, and sometimes they interfere with building respectful relationships in the family. The author of the article shares tips, and some may seem unexpected …
Find a balance
A common mistake when building relationships is to think that now you are the main and only woman in your husband’s life. But there is a mother who raised him. Your man was educated, achieved something thanks to (and sometimes despite) her efforts. And you chose him. So, his mother is at least worthy of respect, because it was she who gave him life.
Avoid extremes: do not neglect it, “expel” it from the family, or, conversely, try your best to please. Find your balance. First, study yourself: define personal boundaries, understand what you can make concessions to and whether you are ready for them.
Marriage is a new phase of life in which you grow and change. And the sooner you start observing yourself, the easier it will be to communicate with loved ones. Just do not try to solve everything at once and «tightly». The situation is changing: you can always reconsider decisions and re-negotiate — there would be a desire.
Believe in yourself
A woman has great power to transform the space around. She can do a lot. The main thing is to understand what it is for. If you love your husband sincerely, realize the importance of respectful family relationships, then “tame” any mother-in-law. But you should not take steps towards it if you yourself are not ready for this, if you do it, «because it is customary.»
Deal with yourself first, then with your husband, and only then with his mother
It happens that you “do not digest” your mother-in-law precisely because the relationship with your husband is not built.
If the spouse does not communicate with the mother, is in conflict, treat with understanding. Try to find out what this attitude is based on. Sometimes it is the daughter-in-law who manages to improve or at least soften the relationship between mother and son.
Watch your mother-in-law
It takes time to build long-term relationships. Observe the mother-in-law, her behavior. Try to understand what she likes, what she is interested in. Look at what your husband’s mother pays attention to when she is at your house. If she needs to always be clean, cleaning the room on the eve of the meeting is not difficult.
But when any of your actions becomes a reason for reproach, build personal boundaries and say things that are significant to you gently, not aggressively.
Switch her attention
If the son occupied an important place in the life of a woman, and now she shows excessive concern for your family, perhaps she has nothing to realize herself. The son in the mother’s picture of the world can be a substitute for the male principle if she was unable to build her personal life.
If your relationship allows this, help her with this: register on a dating site, sign up for a club, go with her to an event where men of her age often attend, meet with a neighbor. Offer to buy a dog — maybe she will be interested in exhibitions? Help find a community of like-minded people in her favorite hobby. When a third-party interest appears in a woman’s life, she will stop disturbing your family.
Realize what place in the family you are ready to allocate to the mother-in-law
Not every daughter-in-law will be satisfied with the situation when the husband’s mother often visits without asking. But take the place of the mother-in-law: perhaps she just misses her son. Try to pay more attention to her. Buy tickets and invite your husband to go see a movie or play with your mom. Let them chat without you.
But look for a balance. Does the mother-in-law love the dacha, and does the son often help her there? He rides every weekend, and you are alone with the kids at this time? Agree with him on the frequency of these visits not to the detriment of the family.
Give her a chance to care
Does she love to take care and help? Give her this opportunity. Highlight the strengths of the mother-in-law and think about how she can be really useful to you. Likes to save money and knows by heart all the prices in the grocery stores of the district? Feel free to ask her to purchase some position for you.
After all, you appreciate her knowledge, and you are an economical hostess!
Does the mother-in-law do everything only as she sees fit and “right”? This is another reason for discussion. Gently direct without offending, but as you need — a skill that will always come in handy. Here, train!
Find out what your mother-in-law’s social circle is
Surely the husband’s mother has friends, colleagues with whom she closely communicates. When meeting, try to make a good impression on them. It is not necessary to do this with the mother-in-law.
Help her friend on the street carry a bag from the store, talk. You can talk about the positive qualities of the “second mother”, about how grateful you are for her help. The rumor about this will certainly reach the addressee. The main thing is to remember sincerity. Remove the stinginess and fiction!
Keep talking about your son
Your husband is her beloved son, and therefore the main topic of conversation. Feel free to support her. Ask what he was like in childhood, look at old photo albums together. Such conversations will also benefit you: you will learn more about your beloved man, his interests and affection. And make her happy.
Compliments, gifts, congratulations, gifts
Compliments will not leave indifferent any woman. But do it from the bottom of your heart, and not to please. Congratulate on holidays and memorable events. Give gifts with and without occasion, for example, say: “I remember you were looking for a transparent salad bowl for the signature Mimosa.
Some mothers love flowers, others consider it an extra transfer of money, others accept only in pots. Some mothers-in-law want to know how much the children spent on the purchase. In this case, just put the receipt in the package. Sometimes, on the contrary, it is better to remove the price tag so as not to offend the woman. If in her face you see a fan of shopping, then make a company and go shopping together for gifts.
Take an interest in your mother-in-law’s health
Health is a factor that helps the mother of the husband to receive attention from you. Do not hang up the phone if she calls and complains of being unwell. Turn on the speakerphone and continue cooking dinner. Be ready to listen and be involved.
Do not take dirty linen out of the hut
Do not tell the «second mother» about domestic quarrels with her husband, do not turn him against her. And even more so, you should not dedicate girlfriends, colleagues, strangers to your relationship.
This rule also applies to finance. For example, don’t brag about how much money you spend on restaurants or gadgets. The mother-in-law may not be happy with your waste.
talk
If the previous ways to improve relations were ineffective, call the mother-in-law for a frank conversation. Gently state what you don’t like, and be prepared to hear criticism in your direction. Agree within what boundaries your further communication will proceed so as not to provoke quarrels in the family. Keep the conversation heart to heart. But keep in mind that not every side will immediately be ready for such sincerity.
If you can’t build a relationship
If a woman often reproaches you, build a psychological defense.
- Imagine that there is a wall between you, and all claims are broken when they collide with it.
- Treat the quirks of the husband’s mother with humor and indulgence.
- If the mother-in-law speaks kindly to you in front of her son, but radically changes her attitude in private, record the conversation on a voice recorder and, if necessary, let your husband listen.
- When, despite the efforts, the husband’s mother treats you and your family with hostility, mocks, constantly spoils the mood and after the meeting “knocks you out of the rut”, you have the right to end the relationship with her. Notify your spouse. Let him visit her alone, and you will stay at home these days.
And don’t be afraid to take extreme measures. If the mother-in-law threatens the well-being of your family, life and health, do not communicate, do not let her on the threshold. It happens that in order to save a family, you have to move to another city, and this is also a scenario. But resort to this method not on emotions, consciously.