The well-being of a couple’s sexual life largely depends on the mutual understanding of the two. Don’t be afraid to talk to each other about it. Discussing the details of intimate life will require us to be tactful and willing to hear the other.
In the evening they meet at home, and Anton admires Nastya: she is so attractive in this new dress! Later in bed, he quietly begins to caress her. Not meeting a response, he whispers: «Do you want?» And Nastya had a hard day, she wants to relax, and she just plunged into reading a detective story …
A classic episode from the life of a couple. What is this difference in sexual rhythms? Routine leading to loss of desire? Or the inability to speak on intimate topics? Family therapists lean towards the latter option.
“You can love each other for years and experience moments of the highest pleasure in sex, constantly discovering new things in yourself and in the other … if the partners managed to establish sexual communication,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “Conversely, by hiding their dissatisfaction, partners make life difficult for themselves and may begin to avoid intimacy.”
The recipe for well-being is to learn to speak freely about sex. For example, start a conversation with the word “I” and not “you”. There are no complaints in our words — and as a result, it is easier for the partner to hear us.
So, if Anton had asked the question differently (“I want, and you?”), Nastya would not feel pressure and could sincerely answer: “Yes, I want, but not now.” Or: “No, I’m tired. Come later or tomorrow morning…”
“Speak on intimate topics” … It is easy to advise, but not so easy to execute. “When we touch upon some details of our sexual life in a conversation, we both feel awkward and try to give such phrases a joking form,” notes Fedor.
“I never managed to find the right words to explain to Andrey what kind of caresses I like,” Vika is annoyed. “I don’t dare to say no if I don’t want sex, and I’m angry with my husband that he doesn’t feel it himself,” Maria admits.
Where does such “muteness” come from for a couple who are connected by bodily intimacy?
It’s scary to talk about differences in general, because the myth suggests their absence.
“Russia has its own mythology of love,” says family therapist Anna Varga. — Many people think that lovers should understand each other without words. And if we have to talk, then we do not love each other. It’s scary to talk about differences in general, because the myth suggests their absence.”
In addition, in our cultural tradition, talking about sex is generally not accepted.
“The parents of most of us have never talked to us about sex,” explains clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. “And we did not ask them questions, assuming that something shameful was hidden behind this topic. As a result, we simply do not have the skill to talk about it, and the vocabulary that relates to this side of our life is very poor.”
Why are we silent
“As soon as young people start living together, questions arise — for example, who should be the first to say “Let’s make love” or how to seduce a partner,” continues Inna Khamitova. “They are trying to decipher each other’s gestures, facial expressions, intonations, thinking out what the other did not mean, putting their fears into his head.”
We are afraid to deprive the relationship of a romantic halo. After all, by informing a partner about what we like and what we don’t, we destroy the myth of a magical meeting with a handsome prince who knows how to guess our fantasies and desires.
In addition, we seem to admit that our partner is not at all such a sophisticated master in this area … “It is especially difficult for those who are sensitive to narcissistic injections to decide to talk,” adds Yakov Kochetkov. “So, for some men, to talk about their desires means to ask, to show weakness, to humiliate themselves.”
It is easier for women to speak also because they are less offended.
“It so happened,” Anna Varga explains, “that many men hear behind women’s words not the subject of conversation, but claims, accusations. There is a second layer of experiences associated with self-esteem: it turns out that he was always not good, and she was silent about it for so many years.
We are also silent, because we are afraid to shock our partner, we are afraid of his condemnation.
“These fears are groundless,” says Inna Khamitova, “our desires and fantasies often coincide. When I invite a couple who come to see me to write down their sexual fantasies and then exchange notes, it turns out that two-thirds of their desires are the same.
When and how to start
“An unexpected frank conversation about the details of sex can destabilize relationships in those couples who live together for a long time, but do not discuss their sex life,” says Inna Khamitova. — For such relationships, distancing is a paradoxical way to maintain them. At the same time, they continue to appreciate and love each other. In this case, a spontaneous desire to talk can lead to a scandal and even a break in relations.
That is why it is so important to choose the right moment. In no case should you start a conversation at the table, between dessert and coffee. “You shouldn’t do this even in moments of intimacy, when it’s better to stick to the rule: fewer words and more gestures,” says sexologist Yuri Prokopenko.
You should not evaluate the actions of a partner. Instead, offer him something that you would like to try.
This conversation is best started when both partners have enough time. While one is speaking, the other is assigned the role of a listener: he does not interrupt, does not ask questions, does not comment on the partner’s words. When it is his turn, it is important to talk about yourself, and not respond to the words of another.
“It’s better to start with something that pleases: “I love your smell”, “I lose my head when you do this,” Inna Khamitova explains. — You should not evaluate the actions of a partner. Instead, offer him something that you would like to try. For example, change your posture. Such words are an exchange of feelings, an opportunity to share what you feel.”
Realize your desires
Sex is a mode of communication in itself. However, he also needs words. It is they who help to tune in to the changing desire of a partner. By saying what both of them already know for sure, the partners stop wasting energy on hushing up the problem and start looking for a solution together.
However, before expressing wishes, we need to clearly understand what we really want. To do this, you need to slowly think about what you like in sex and what you don’t, how, when and where we prefer to make love …
“Your wishes should be expressed specifically, because even the request “Be gentler with me” can be understood in different ways,” says Inna Khamitova. We need to learn to say “no” when we don’t want something, to formulate our refusal with love and to be ready to hear “no” in turn.
“Decide” is the key word for sexual communication
In moments of physical intimacy, we are very vulnerable. Any thoughtless word can hurt. Gestures come to the rescue, thanks to which you can correct the partner’s actions. For example, gently move your hand or show which touches we like best.
“Still, it’s better to report that we are now experiencing physical discomfort (“Your hand is pressing, it hurts me”), Inna Khamitova notes. “Or to clarify what we want (“I would change my position, how are you?”), Even if it doesn’t sound too relaxed.”
“Decide” is the key word for sexual communication. Decide on active actions, on the knowledge of the unknown, on the revision of their positions. And when difficulties arise, share them with each other. Then we will become participants in relationships that combine feelings and sensuality.