Tal Ben-Shahar: «I was wrong about the happiness formula»

Psychologies: What inspired you to make happiness your science specialty? Maybe an unhappy childhood?

Tal Ben-Shahar: I can’t call my childhood unhappy. Rather, I lived with a constant feeling of unhappiness, as if something was missing all the time. I was born in Israel and devoted myself to my passion, playing squash. Then it seemed to me that I would find happiness the day I won the national championship. At the age of 16, I became the youngest champion of Israel, and, of course, I was very happy! Few hours. And then the same feeling of emptiness returned. Then I decided that it would be gone forever if I became world champion. I trained hard, and at the age of 20 I went to study in the USA. And from the outside, everything looked great: I went to Harvard, studied computer science, was an excellent student; True, he did not become a world champion, but he won several US championships. And yet he was not happy. And this made me one day go to the rector and tell him that I want to change the curriculum and take philosophy and psychology seriously. «Why?» she wondered. “Because I have two questions,” I said. — First: why am I not happy, considering how my life is shaping up? And the second: how can I still become happier?

Perhaps it would be more appropriate to address these questions to a psychotherapist?

Possibly, but it didn’t occur to me at the time. Yes, I did not feel depressed, on the contrary, I had a very strong motivation. I later realized that I was suffering from what the existential psychologist Viktor Frankl called «existential emptiness.» I was determined, but also desperately bored.

Did studying psychology and philosophy help answer your two questions?

For a start, it helped to find a lot of new questions! But then came some answers. The first was the realization that all my childhood and youth I believed in the wrong, albeit the most common formula for happiness. She said: luck plus success equals happiness. Ask any parent what they would like for their children, and almost everyone will answer you: «Make them happy.» But at the same time, most parents push their children in ways that are not very suitable for them, and sometimes not at all suitable. Because most often it is assumed that the key to happiness is professional success.

Did this discovery help you become happier?

Yes, because I was finally able to afford to do not what necessarily leads to success, but what makes sense to me. I was attracted to philosophy and writing, but at school these were my weak points, and I tried not to think about them. For many years I followed a path that did not suit me, obeying the wrong formula for happiness.

Was that the reason for the feeling of emptiness?

Yes, but not only. It was also in my dependence on the view from the outside. For example, we all want well-being in relationships: this is also considered one of the foundations of happiness. But in addition to the social, approved by all «I», each of us also has an inner «I». And at some point it may not need a happy relationship. For a very long time, I was concerned only with my social «I» and paid little attention to my inner life.

What helped you to «return to yourself», to hear the voice of this inner «I»?

Well, for example, one exercise that I often offer to students in my classes. Imagine that you have been bewitched so that no one will ever know what you are doing and what you will achieve. What will you do in such a case? For myself, this exercise often led me to make very radical choices. Although not always. For example, when I asked this question during the preparation of my doctoral dissertation, the answer was obvious: «If I were so bewitched, I would not even begin to try to get this doctoral degree.» However, I understood that this diploma was necessary for me to become a teacher. So I continued, but now realizing the meaning of my efforts. As you can see, hearing the inner “I” does not necessarily mean radically changing everything and turning it upside down. Sometimes it is more important to understand what and why we do in life.

Many people worry about just this: they do not know what they are doing and want to do in life …

Of course, much depends on the strength of the desire to achieve something. It’s not the same for everyone. But all of us, except for very very rare cases, have a desire to live, learn, move forward. And the question is whether we cultivate this desire or tend to suppress it. I do not want my words to sound like common «spells» like: «Everyone can become what they want, it is enough to want.» I know very well that all this is much more difficult. But I also know that simply looking for these sprouts of desire in ourselves makes us stronger, at least a little closer to the goal, moving forward. Conversely, if we think that we do not have any desires and goals, this acts as a destructive self-fulfilling prophecy.

In your new book, you argue that we ourselves are responsible for creating our own happiness — or not doing it. Do you think such a conclusion will make a person in depression stronger or, on the contrary, break it completely?

If someone with depression came to me with such a question, I would advise him not to read my book, but to go to a psychotherapist. But the therapist might perhaps use this book from time to time, working with those choices that are especially difficult for the client. In general, choosing your life is not easy. But first of all, it is important to realize that this is possible in principle.

In the study of happiness, you are inspired by philosophy. How much has positive psychology enriched your understanding of happiness?

Oh, not to say very strong! Even Aristotle believed that the two main ingredients of eudaimonia, the most comprehensive experience of happiness, are friendship and contemplation. Positive psychology has only proved this experimentally. Even Confucius spoke about the importance of cultivating inner happiness before turning to other people, and this is also proven today. So the role of positive psychology lies rather in the fact that, thanks to research, it helps to establish which of the philosophers, who do not agree with each other on everything, turned out to be more right. With its empirical approach, positive psychology continues the philosophical debate. But it does not put a final point in them at all!

Many of the tips that positive psychology gives are not only effective, but also very simple: accept failure, express what you feel … And yet we do not apply them in everyday life. Perhaps psychologists should be more concerned with our resistance mechanisms?

This is a question that interests me very much: how to maintain the will to change? Socrates, for example, thought it was very simple: «To know the good is to do good.» But, unfortunately, he was wrong, which is also empirically proven: simply knowing what is good for us is not enough. Religion offers an alternative. I’m not a religious person, but I think theologians are well aware of what keeps us going to change: repetition and reminders. Repetition is daily prayers, visiting the temple. And reminders — chants, icons, symbols. But this is also possible outside of religion. Look at the bracelet on my wrist. I only wear it every other month to remind myself of one aspect of my life that I have to work on. Now he is on me because I want to be lighter and simpler: I am too serious and prone to philosophizing! ..

However, there is one subtlety. Any research, including in positive psychology, does not give universal results. For example, positive psychology has discovered the importance of expressing gratitude. This was largely due to the books of psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky. But at the same time, she herself admits that she does not practice this method, because for her it is — imagine! — does not work. Any experiments do not tell us personally about each of us, but only about average values. And all we can do is try, check for ourselves whether this or that method works for us.

Can you say that without becoming a world champion in squash, you ended up becoming a world champion in happiness?

No, no, I’m still far from the championship! And then, at the forefront, I put today not happiness, but the acceptance of my own humanity, that is, my failures and my shortcomings. So I still have a goal to succeed and improve. But the main thing is that this desire comes from myself, and not from outside.

By accepting our own failures and shortcomings, we run the risk of developing in ourselves not acceptance, but guilt …

To avoid it, humility must be cultivated. This will be the subject of my next book. And I do it for the same reason I started writing about happiness. Then I wanted to be happier. And now I want to become more humble.

What is the future of positive psychology?

I really hope that it will soon simply cease to exist, becoming a full-fledged part of psychology in general. In addition, I believe that we should expand our understanding of happiness. In many ways, I organized a research center for this, the Welfare Institute (1). It looks at the five components of happiness: spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional, and relationship-related. Because the goal of each of us is not only to experience positive emotions, but also to grow — intellectually and mentally. And also — to share your happiness with people and find the meaning of your own life.

¹ Learn more at wholebeinginstitute.com