Author of the article N.V. Zhutikova
The level of awareness of their responsibility among people is not the same. Those who have it higher, they quickly perceive the principle “Do no harm!” But in most cases it is necessary to look for approaches to another level of responsibility.
A. As a «bridge» to a new level of responsibility, you can use the most pressing personal problems that many people have in the field of communication. It is necessary that a person at least once feel the joy of victory over the elements of communication, the joy of mastering the situation through the inclusion of conscious control, above all, over his behavior.
For example, for many, such a problem is relevant — how to prevent another domestic quarrel or another family scandal. Because everyone’s situation is different, it’s impossible to give a one-size-fits-all recipe. Moreover, if a person learns to consciously regulate his relationships, then he will be of little use from the thoughtless implementation of ready-made recipes. He needs knowledge of psychological patterns. Therefore, the following information can be offered.
1. In quarrels and scandals, no one can ever prove anything. (“Can you prove anything to him ?!” — this equally applies to each participant in the quarrel). Reason: negative emotional impact blocks the ability to accept, agree, take into account, understand, i.e. block the work of thought. 3begins, and there is no need to try to prove something to a person who is in a state of negative emotional arousal.
2. It is necessary that at least one of the participants in the quarrel learns the above to begin with. If a person has learned this, then it is easier for him to develop in himself a refusal to quarrel, i.e. to consciously form in oneself an installation for stubborn, persistent refusal. If a person manages to realize this refusal, does not allow himself to be drawn into a quarrel, he will have the joy of victory over chaos, the joy of a sense of self-control. So it’s achievable! Just can’t let it go by itself.
3. All scandals have a very tense tone. Negative emotional arousal quickly captures both participants if neither of them is inclined to stop the conflict. The mutual reactions of the participants in such a «dialogue» only add fuel to the fire. The negative emotional arousal of one person can never reduce the same arousal in another, they only mutually reinforce each other. To extinguish negative emotional arousal, it is necessary to stop its reinforcement. As the saying goes, «he who is smarter will be the first to shut up.» Should one of the two get out of the conflict, shut up, the scandal may stop.
4. It will stop if the silence ignores the very fact of the quarrel, the very negative excitement of the partner, as if none of this had happened! But if silence is colored with mockery, gloating and defiance, it can act like a red rag on a bull… Silence should not be offensive to a partner.
5. The quarrel can be stopped by calmly leaving the room. But if at the same time you slam the door or say something offensive before leaving, you can cause an affect of terrible destructive power. We are aware of the tragic cases caused precisely by the insulting word «under the curtain» («If only my top!»).
6. If your partner tends to view your refusal to fight as a surrender, it’s best not to refute it.
That is, the position of the one who refused to quarrel should completely exclude anything offensive and insulting for the partner, so that nothing reinforces his negative emotional arousal. The winner is not the one who leaves behind the last smashing attack, but the one who manages to stop the scandal, to prevent it from taking place. How else to teach children to save the world?
B. Children adopt our attitude to quarrels and scandals. And to the world. War can only be won by renunciation of war. It is necessary to teach children to refuse ccop. And this is achieved, first of all, by the strength of adults’ own example.
1. Children respect strength. They tend to feel both strength and weakness. They are difficult to mislead. The hysterical behavior of the elders, indignant cries, dramatized monologues and threats — all this belittles them in the perception of children, makes them unpleasant, but not strong at all (as well as fawning and appeasing: children benefit from them, but for this they completely refuse respect) .
2. Nothing conveys a sense of the strength of the individual like unflappable, calm friendliness. It can become a shield for an adult, with which he protects himself from negative emotional impact on the part of a teenager (child), and an instrument of influence on him.
3. Right behavior can only be brought about by right behavior. All methods of behavioral reactions and forms of behavior of children are conditioned and transmitted by the behavior of adults.
In the children’s department of our dispensary, teenagers often come with misbehavior. When it is necessary to conduct a psychological examination, I myself go to the department for my subject. If he entered recently, then most often the first meeting with him is unpleasant: usually he is prone to obscenity, grimaces and wobbles, offends the younger ones, goo the nurses and nurses. When he is hailed, caught in a very unseemly occupation, he does not express any embarrassment, but is ready for aggressive defense. All this is clearly visible to me, but I ignore all these manifestations. Addressing him as if he were a very respected person, I ask ordinary questions: “What is your last name? .. First name? .. How old are you? .. Only fourteen? In that case, do you mind if I say “you” to you?”
By this time, all the ways of self-expression familiar to him “hang in the air” — they remain “unnoticed” by me, do not receive reinforcement, since I do not even react to his outright rudeness at all — I pass them on deaf ears. Moreover, the stubborn courtesy of the elder is completely unaccustomed to him and causes confusion, confusion. While he and I are walking along our corridors and stairs to the office, he no longer grimace …
During the «classes» he is enveloped by the correct manifestation of my sincere benevolence with a hint of respect. When he does not cope well with the task, he is embarrassed, his eyes begin to “run”, his cheeks also become heavier. Sometimes he smiles crookedly … A calm, businesslike remark is perceived by him with noticeable relief …
In the course of two hours, he — for the first time in his life! — I felt like a person next to an adult! The atmosphere of calm friendliness disarmed him, deprived him of the need to assert himself in his usual ways, since he was already the object of attention. Respectful! When I escort him to the department, he asks: “Are we still going to study?” His facial expressions and intonations do not at all resemble the «brat» that I saw him two hours ago, and he wants to come again. Of course, two hours of communication in correct tones does not ensure the stability of the newly acquired new forms of behavior, especially if the child returns to the same environment from which he was taken. But when, after two or three days, I go after him again and see him as a participant in an ugly fuss, he blushes! He really wants me not to see this! He ashamed! And I don’t see…
From the experience of many years of dealing with children and adolescents, I know that calmness and endurance are the most reliable shield for our well-being and dignity. And the correct, that is, benevolent and respectful, treatment of the younger is those «forests» that protect and straighten his psyche. (I remind you that the antisocial, illegal behavior of adolescents requires a special strategy of influence, which is not within the competence of the author.)
AT. There are people with increased excitability who very easily come into conflict and cannot stop in any way. It is more difficult for them than others to develop self-control, but it is possible. You can not «put an end to» such people. Even those whose character pathology is indisputable, the law does not exempt from responsibility, they are quite capable and sane, that is, conscious self-control is also available to them. But it takes more time and patience to bring them to it.
In varying degrees, but each character is available to purposeful influence. But how to influence?
1. If a person constantly points out the negative aspects of his character, reproach him with them, this does not help, but only hinders the development of his self-control, self-correction. A reminder of the negative sides of the character usually causes them, provokes their manifestation — such is the power of the word! Therefore, in order for people who are unbalanced and prone to conflict to manifest themselves in a more favorable way, they should be treated correctly, with calm benevolence, with an expression of peace-loving, but persuasive strength. A long stay in this mode of communication helps to acquire a favorable behavioral experience, that is, the correct forms of behavior.
The merit is not in making a person angry, but in helping him gain a sense of self-respect. (Even the mentally ill — with pronounced disorders of thinking, emotional-volitional sphere and pathology of the motive — can behave quite correctly in conditions of correct treatment!)
2. For the development of conscious regulation in people with increased excitability and those who are easily injured, the motive of self-defense is most suitable as a «bridge». This motive can also be used in the approach to those who still have a low level of responsibility. It is necessary that they be offered this work on themselves by the person who already has some influence on these people, who has already aroused their reciprocal benevolence and trust by his standards of treatment of them. It is very difficult for them to take a position”: “Do no harm!” — they have an increased tendency to emotional response, more pronounced emotional dependence. Too many things bother them. “They beat me, it hurts me, but I also “do no harm!” — they find the very proposal of this position offensive. So you can offer them to learn how to defend themselves from harmful emotional influences.
Both the above and the following can be used as information.
a) There are two types of conscious self-control: registering control and regulatory control.
Registering control is expressed in the fact that a person, seeing and hearing everything that happens around him, simultaneously notes his own actions, “registers” and fixes them in his memory. This is the basis of the ability to «give an account of one’s actions» (legal wording).
Regulatory control is expressed in the ability of a person to control his actions, to subordinate his actions to his idea of how to behave in accordance with the law and the requirements of morality. From the age of 14, a person is already charged with the duty not only to give an account of his actions, but also to lead them. At any age, starting from the age of 14, a person is obliged by law to remember his responsibility, and therefore develop his conscious regulatory self-control.
b) When emotional stress increases in a person in stressful (particularly tense) situations, the ability for conscious self-control may decrease. It becomes more difficult for a person to manage himself, i.e., the regulatory function of conscious self-control decreases. At the same time, the recording function can be preserved: all the circumstances of the situation, the sequence of events and one’s own actions are stored in memory, sometimes in the smallest detail, and sometimes in a somewhat erased, fragmentary form.
Since nothing releases a capable person from responsibility for his actions, it is necessary to strengthen and develop the ability for regulating, conscious self-control.
at) To do this, you must first take care of it, want it, strengthen your conscious mindset for it.
One of our patients (from the Department of Neurosis) came up with the following method: he wrote on a piece of thick paper in bright letters the word «Self-control !!!» and placed it next to the mirror in front of which he shaved in the morning. He updated this piece of paper every week, varying the reminder, depending on the breakdowns and next problems he noticed behind him: “Remember: on Friday on the carpet at the main one — see and hear!”; «In dialogue — look at yourself from the side!»; «Don’t rush to react!»; «Turn on the brake!»; «Pause!» and etc.
d) To strengthen this attitude (to develop conscious self-control in oneself) helps to think about the psychological “benefit”, about the advantages that it gives. It will help not only to avoid acts reprehensible and punishable. It will help maintain good health, self-respect and give a joyful feeling of emotional freedom, independence from any situation, from any person. A person can at any time include protection from the effects of someone else’s irritation, resentment and even insult.
d) The “protection mechanism” itself is based on the following pattern: negative emotional arousal increases if it is reinforced. Reinforcement for it is an emotional response to this negative emotional arousal. Not receiving reinforcements, it fades.
Hence, our attention should be directed to anything but the emotional manifestations of the person-stressor. So that attention is not fixed on what touches us, we need to consciously distribute it to many (as many as possible!) Objects that fall into our field of vision.
Situations cannot be repeated exactly. But it is possible to single out in them, as in a mini-performance, the plot, the climax and the denouement. And even a prologue: let’s say this is the news that you are called somewhere where psychological difficulties and troubles usually await you. You can say to yourself: “This is not fatal! We’ll survive! And you can sing the well-known from comedy: “But we don’t care! ..” — and try to clearly see all the objects that come into view on the way there. Usually the aggression of negative emotions uses our hearing more. Therefore, attention should be fixed not on auditory sensations, but on visually perceived objects. So we are preparing a good «counterweight», «lightning rod». And on the way you need to think only about what is in front of your eyes, that is, you need not just look with a superficially sliding glance, you need to actively consider, see!
And here we are in front of the door — the very one … So what? The door is like a door. Here’s the pen, here’s the sign. Oh yes, queue. Well, let’s wait! .. You can consider the line, walls, floor — anything! Don’t allow any idea of what’s to come! Do not try to play all possible versions of the scene in advance. It is necessary to prepare activity, first of all, visual attention. Before entering — do not linger, open the door without giving yourself a moment to hesitate. And from the threshold! — See! — There! — As much as possible! And «His» («Her») — too! Do not lower your eyes and head, it immediately makes us vulnerable. We need to see the face and eyes of our “stressor.” And when the dialogue begins, we must continue to see: eyes, facial features, clothing, background, environment… The more objects are clearly visible, the less you will be hurt by what usually hurts. And don’t rush! A moderate pace in movements and in speech is needed. No fuss!
This method of self-defense — through the development of active attention — can be learned by a person at any age.
Many years ago, I recommended it to an elderly teacher, L.F. She had a very difficult relationship with the headmaster, an active woman, but with hysterical forms of influence on «non-conformal» teachers. They hated each other: the director because L.F. due to her age could not quickly respond to all the innovations in the school, and the teacher L.F. for constant insulting reproaches and humiliation.
When I tried to persuade L.F. to see in the director those human traits that really took place and deserved respect and participation, L.F. aloofly moved away: “Forgive me, but it’s hard for me to see in this fury those traits whom you speak. Perhaps they are, but I can’t see them because of her inhumanity!” But L. F. was both smart and kind, and capable of selflessness …
Then I offered her to defend herself in the above way. A few months later, L. F. reported that her relationship with the director had improved. In the very first meeting, she achieved a turning point in the very tone of communication. Subsequently, there was a breakdown when L. F. lost her “watch point,” that is, she stopped monitoring her attention. But then she regained her control.
Vigilance, that is, the constant refreshment of one’s control, its renewal, is necessary!! Carelessness and complacency in this regard often lead to breakdowns.
This ingenuous technique has been mastered by so many people. All of them later reported that the stressor responded invariably to a sudden change in behavior. Still would! Instead of signs of hostility and readiness for an outbreak — before him is the embodiment of calm, silent attention! Moreover, consciously maintained calm is always a manifestation of fortitude and therefore gives a huge advantage to its owner. That is why it has a great power of influence. But this is on condition that silence and calmness are correct, that is, without signs of irony, mockery and hostility.
The pace of speech and movements also plays a significant role. To remove and prevent negative emotional arousal, you need a leisurely pace, movements collected, unobtrusive.
In dialogues, when the «stressor» reproaches, he can be disarmed by admitting that his reproach is justified. If there really was some reason for reproach or remark on our part, then admitting our guilt disarms the accuser. The desire to protest any reproach, any remark or criticism will certainly irritate any leader, and even more so for a less restrained one.