Take your child to a psychologist?

Deciding to visit a child psychologist is not easy. “Many parents think that asking for help means admitting that they (as an educator) are a failure,” explains Anna Skavitina, a child analyst. – And it is very painful. The psychologist seems to them not just an expert, but a kind of “correct” parent who will certainly criticize and condemn for mistakes. Although in reality a professional never does this. His task is to support parents, to understand what is happening, and to become, among other things, a translator. Today’s fathers and mothers are often so preoccupied with their work problems, overwhelmed by worries about the future, that they don’t have time to listen to their children. A child psychologist can make it clear to parents what the child is trying to tell them with their behavior. By the way, psychologists themselves also bring their children for consultations with colleagues – simply because often the causes of problems can only be seen from the outside …

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trust yourself

Our experts are unanimous: first of all, parents need to listen to their own feelings. How do I feel with a child? What do I expect from him? What does he need? “Perhaps it makes sense to first meet with a psychologist yourself,” explains child psychotherapist Tatyana Bednik. “There are circumstances that you can only talk about with an outsider: for example, that this pregnancy was not desired, that the relationship in a couple is not very trusting … It is difficult to help your child if you yourself feel insecure or suffer from guilt.”

If parents are worried about some particularity of the child, if they feel that they cannot cope with the situation, they should consult a psychologist or psychotherapist. To decide on this meeting, sometimes an external signal is needed, Anna Skavitina adds: “For example, the words of a school teacher: “Something is wrong with your son (daughter), he cannot sit still, it is difficult for him to concentrate …” Up to this point parents did not see the problem in the child’s over-impulsivity, consoling themselves with the fact that “all children have it.” The words of the teacher encourage them to take action.

Who is my psychologist?

Different specialists (depending on the specific problem) will work differently. Someone works separately with the child and separately with the mother or father; someone alternates individual and general meetings; someone works with the whole family. “It happens that a psychologist tells parents: it’s not the child who needs help, but you,” says Anna Skavitina. “And then, if the parents agree to continue psychotherapy, work is already going on only with adults.” Going to a child psychologist, adults should answer the question: what do we really want? To feel good for us – or to make the child happier? After all, parents will have to change, and this is not easy: not everyone is ready to look into themselves, to get in touch with their own internal conflicts. And then the unconscious mechanism of resistance is triggered – parents, it happens, interrupt their therapy and the therapy of the child. “Usually this happens when a child begins to change for the better,” says Anna Skavitina. – Adults give different reasons for their decision: “We’d better try homeopathy”, “We ran out of money”, “The school changed the schedule”. Only the main one is not called: “I am not ready (a) to change with the child. I’m not ready to accept it for others.” It turns out that the former, problem child was more convenient for parents.

Fix it!

“It is important to understand that a psychologist does not replace father and mother,” warns Anna Skavitina. – Yes, he undertakes to figure it out and help, but he sees the child two hours a week, and the father and mother – all the time, and they have much more opportunities for influence. Another thing is that they do not always know the mechanisms of this influence, and that is what we are discussing.” But what if adults worry in vain and see a problem where there is none? “In any case, you should come for a consultation,” says Tatyana Bednik. – The child will feel better if mom and dad stop worrying. In addition, psychologists also work on development: the ability to communicate, learn and create – all this can be developed if parents are interested in this.

And if the child does not want to meet with a psychologist?

What should parents do if their child flatly refuses to go to counseling? “Forcing is pointless: therapy will not be effective without his desire and participation,” says Tatyana Bednik. A psychologist will not be able to advise a child (adolescent) who rejects help: psychological help requires the active participation of the person to whom it is provided. “We tend to underestimate the desires of children,” continues Tatyana Bednik, “it seems to us that they are not able to measure the strength of their experiences, decide on their own whether they want to get rid of them, and generally realize the very essence of the counseling process. Therefore, we consider ourselves entitled to tell them what to do or not to do, and sometimes even to force them. Our preconceptions about the child’s psyche are based on a false idea of ​​the simplicity of its structure. But the unconscious of a child is just as mysterious and unpredictable as the unconscious of an adult. Therefore, success (as in the case of an adult) can only be achieved if there is a conscious desire to get rid of problems.

Help the child in his absence

After hearing the child’s refusal, ask him – perhaps it is caused by prejudice (he heard that “only psychos go to a psychologist”) or your involuntary threat (“Let the psychologist deal with you!”). The refusal of the child does not mean that the parents themselves should refuse the help of a child psychologist. Sometimes one meeting is enough for parents to see the right course of action, and the presence of the child at such a meeting is not necessary. However, it is quite acceptable if he wants to know what the elders think and say about him. Adolescents often use this opportunity: in conflict with adults, they reject any offer of help, since consent seems to them “surrender”. But the “passive” presence at consultations, where questions are asked to parents, and they express their worries about their son or daughter, usually do not bother them. Parents can offer to go to a specialist together at least once in order to express their concerns and hear the opinion of a professional. And if the meetings continue, the child will come to realize that being a dad and mom is a very difficult task and that parents also often need help and participation …