Take care of each other every day

Eternal love does not happen … if we do not take care of each other constantly. However, here it is also necessary to show attention: to be generous, but not to be a victim, to accept care with gratitude, but not to become an object of manipulation.

To be happy, to enjoy intimacy and reciprocity… These are the ideals of any couple, even if none of the partners specifically thought about it.

At first it seems that it is not difficult to achieve them. When relationships are just emerging, in the presence of a loved one, the whole world lights up, and we don’t have to make any efforts for this. Everything works out by itself. However, gradually the intensity of feelings cools down, and our view becomes more realistic. And this is exactly the time when you should start strengthening relations, our experts suggest. But as?

To help and support, to be attentive, to arouse desire – in a word, to take care of each other. In Italian, for a declaration of love, there is a stable expression “Ti voglio bene” – literally: “I wish you well.” This beautiful formula is associated not with the desire for possession, but with love in its most altruistic, generous and, one might say, ideal manifestation. On the one hand, such an idea seems quite natural: does not love mean wishing the other well? But on the other hand, everything is not so simple …

Signals from the dark side

Turning to the depths of our unconscious, psychoanalysis recalls the dark sides of the best feelings: envy, jealousy, even hatred or fear, which we prefer not to admit to ourselves, so as not to disturb our peace of mind.

Psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt is sure that “any good intention can hide a much less attractive motivation, such as the desire to feel power over a partner, make him dependent on you, or even hide your aggression with gifts and courtesies.” In his opinion, it is always useful to ask the question about the true reasons for one’s actions, especially if the latter seem overly altruistic and generous or are performed under the motto “I will do anything for you” or “You are everything to me.”

The fear of losing another person or being deceived by him can also be both a powerful stimulus in a love relationship, and a source of constant conflict and even a breakup. A partner who feels that we are driven by unconscious fears and ulterior motives may not be able to withstand such emotional captivity.

This happened to 37-year-old Zhanna – her lover, now a former one, constantly called her, sent sms and emails, wanting to know “what his bunny is doing” almost every second. Jeanne felt that all these questions, gifts and signs of attention wove a web around her, and in the end she had only one desire – to break it at any cost.

Relationships in a couple are sometimes fraught with a strange paradox: despite the fact that our concern is directed at a partner, its goal is not always his good. 25-year-old Nadezhda says that shortly after her marriage, she began to give advice to her husband on any occasion and could not resist, even when he began to rebel: “You treat me like a little one!” The meeting with the therapist helped her understand that she was trying to replicate a childhood model with her husband: she had two younger brothers whom she took care of.

Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova explains: “Due to upbringing and family habits, some of us feel good and significant only by taking care of the other. While the other in reality may not need it and even be burdened by such attention. Therefore, it is important to correlate the “quantity” of care with the needs of a partner and realistically assess how useful it is for him.

Jean-Michel Hirt emphasizes: “The ability to care for another is not so much to give as much as possible, but to adhere to that golden mean, which will allow you to listen both to your own needs and desires, and to the needs and desires partner.”

“My wife likes to feel in charge” Semyon, 43

Semyon, 43 years old: “Our marriage with Alice seemed happy to everyone, including myself. We met six years ago when I joined a large company where she worked. And although we are the same age, I was considered a young specialist there, and she was an experienced employee. So she took care of me and helped me a lot, for which I was very grateful to her.

A year later we got married. And somehow by itself it turned out that she became the main one in the family. I even liked it, because I went for a promotion and my career occupied all my thoughts. And the wife remained in her former position and, sparing no effort, improved the house and our life together.

It seemed to me that everything was going as it should, until I suddenly realized: as soon as I get close to my wife, I am completely lost, I feel helpless, like a boy. She decides who we go to visit, where we go on vacation – almost everything. At work, I am the boss, but at home I turn into a preschooler who is given breakfast, told what to do: “put on a hat”, “don’t forget the keys”, “it’s time to go to bed”.

Several times I started talking about how I would like to have children, but each time she answered that she was not ready yet. It seems that she gave me this role! I once told her about it, and we had a serious quarrel. Alice reproached me with ingratitude, but she never changed her attitude towards me.

She seems to want to feel like she’s in charge. This creates another problem: when I am treated patronizingly, I no longer feel like a man, and this kills sexual desire. But it doesn’t seem to bother her too much. I don’t know if I can handle myself. Maybe I should look for a therapist…”

Knowing of limits

In order to observe this golden mean, it is necessary to develop a sense of balance in oneself, that is, to learn how to distribute efforts, give and receive evenly, without becoming hostages of one’s own egoism, but without suffocating a partner with one’s attention.

“Two simple actions help in this,” says Inna Khamitova, “to ask a partner and ask yourself. First, ask questions about what the other person needs, what help they expect from you, and find out how useful or pleasant what you have done for them. Second, listen to your feelings. Many people are familiar with the resentment that we feel when we reproach our partner for “ungratefulness”.

This bitter feeling can be very helpful!” It is an indicator that indicates that we are doing something that another does not need, or we are using too much energy and we should stop and take care of ourselves. “After all, we create a couple to live together with another person, and not instead of him,” emphasizes Inna Khamitova.

Sometimes the care lies in the ability to step into the background at the right moment and keep a certain distance. “When Nikolai lost his father,” recalls 34-year-old Nina, “I felt that it would be better for me to leave him alone for a while so that he survived this blow and could finally take the place of the main man in the family, which his domineering father never gave up on him.”

Tune into the other person to catch what he cannot say out loud; help him take off his mask without fear of judgment; allowing yourself to do the same – all this is also the key to intimacy in a couple. We too often underestimate our ability to change.

“At the beginning of our relationship,” recalls 42-year-old Kirill, “Katya constantly reproached me for indifference and selfishness. I closed when I felt that a conflict was coming, and avoided talking about myself … However, hearing her, I learned to be more open, and Katya, on the contrary, became more restrained.

positive reinforcement

“Understanding the feelings of a partner is the basis of a truly close relationship,” Inna Khamitova is convinced. “But first of all, you need to learn to understand your own feelings.” A family psychotherapist advises working on your feelings in three stages: to fully experience how this or that emotion covers us; determine its quality (anger, sadness, embarrassment …); and, finally, to accept it (“now I am angry”; “I am sad”; “I am embarrassed” …).

Awareness of one’s experiences allows one not to attribute responsibility for them to a partner and not to make impossible demands on him. Acceptance of one’s own emotions helps to maintain intimacy, avoiding emotional dependency.

Inna Khamitova also believes that taking care of relationships also implies the ability to express one’s positive emotions: “Over time, partners seem to forget that they began to live together because they wanted to, that they experienced mutual interest and attraction.” Do not think that this “is self-evident, since we live together.”

It is important to remember and speak out loud about this, as well as about the virtues of a partner and the pleasure that you experience in his company, make sincere compliments and confess your love.

Sometimes we casually devalue the desire to please each other, without even realizing it. “Brought carnations, but I love chrysanthemums”, “I cooked borsch, but didn’t salt enough” – these remarks seem innocent, but they give rise to fear that our signs of attention will cause discontent.

Contrary to a common misconception, criticism does not help improve at all, but rather dampens enthusiasm. Therefore, “it is better to undercriticize than underpraise,” advises a family psychologist.

“The truly happy couples are those who use the practice of “positive reinforcement” in their relationship,” adds Jean-Michel Hirt. “They thank each other, make compliments, remember the wonderful moments of their life together…”

Paying attention to the good, reminding yourself and each other of happy moments or the best qualities – this is the most pleasant way to maintain a feeling of love and sexual desire.