Take advantage of your enemies!

It would be nice to be able to love everyone! And if everyone loved us, it would be even better! But our dreams are one thing, and the reality of human relationships is quite another: seeds of discord are often hidden behind smiles and pleasantries, and today’s friends may turn out to be future enemies. Conscious enemies, that is, those who seriously wish us harm and are looking for a way to harm us, fortunately, are quite rare. But there are many enemies: this is everyone who contradicts us, provokes or ignores us, and sometimes, even unwittingly, ruins our lives. Therefore, there is nothing surprising in the fact that from the time of Antiquity to the present day, philosophers have incessantly talked about how difficult it is for us to live with others, precisely because they are “different”. When the worm has already penetrated the apple and the enemy is sitting at the next table at work or living with us under the same roof, we are simply forced to communicate with him. How to be here? Recognize once and for all that it is impossible to please everyone. And most importantly, to realize that even the problems that these “others” create for us can be used for self-development. Here are six “philosophical” tips to help you get the most out of your most unpleasant encounters.

Arthur Schopenhauer:

“Friends say they are sincere; enemies are sincere in fact “

Who is more useful to us? Friends who never reproach us for anything – or those who do not miss the opportunity to tell us the truth in the face? By giving us an embellished image of ourselves, friends cultivate our shortcomings and bad habits, and often help to strengthen them. But we can accept criticism from our enemies with gratitude, because they clearly show us our shortcomings and at the same time stimulate our neurons. Then we get the opportunity not only to accept, but also to appreciate criticism. “Judgments contrary to my views do not offend or oppress me, but only excite and give impetus to my mental powers,” Michel Montaigne reminds us in “Experiences” (Eksmo, 2007). Especially if instead of insisting on our point of view at all costs (at the risk of eventually talking nonsense), we will try to find good arguments … and in doing so we will take into account the arguments of the other.

Montaigne quotes Plato:

“If something is unhealthy in my opinion, is it because I am unhealthy? Am I not to blame for this? Can’t my reproach be turned against me?”

Since we are unable to take a step back and look at ourselves from the outside, we cannot see ourselves as we are. The only way to get an idea of ​​your own shortcomings is to use the shortcomings of others as a warning. As Schopenhauer said, “he who criticizes others works on his own improvement.” Looking at others to see ourselves better is possible because we see in others what we cannot – or don’t want to – see in ourselves: this is what is called projection in psychoanalysis and which is still three hundred years before Freud and Jung was understood by the great Montaigne. Every critical remark we make to another is like a light on our own console: we need to take this signal and use it to check if everything is in order with ourselves.

Buddha:

“Many people are vicious, and I will endure insults like an elephant in battle – an arrow shot from a bow”

Patience is one of the main virtues in Buddhism. But it is impossible to practice it when you are alone: ​​to test our patience, we need others. To strengthen patience in oneself in the Buddhist sense of the word means to be persistent, tolerant and able to endure adversity without losing control over oneself. In contrast to Jesus, the Buddha does not say to turn the other cheek; it is not about passive humility or submissiveness, but about firm and balanced behavior with those who annoy us, hinder us or attack us. To practice patience means to fight a constant battle, not with external opponents, but with our most important internal enemies: anger and hatred. How to approach this? To begin with, by developing the “spirit of detachment” in ourselves on the advice of the Tibetan mentor Sogyal Rinpoche: to train that unkind words roll off us, as if we are covered with teflon, not to let them cling to us … and hook us.

Alain:

“In a stranger, it is alien to me that he is not me”

Although others sometimes seem like strangers to us, not all of them are enemies. There are still a huge number of those who, being different from us, treat us indifferently. If sometimes they make us uncomfortable, it is because they do not act like us, they have different values ​​and a different outlook on life. The enemy is a marvelous opportunity to recognize the crucial problem of otherness, because the enemy, being in some way a caricatured “other”, forces us to strengthen tolerance in ourselves. Hoping to change others is a good illusion, and it is better, as Schopenhauer advises, to accept them as they are: “If we decisively condemn the whole being of a given person, then, of course, he will have to start a ruthless struggle with us; after all, we are ready to recognize his right to exist only under the condition that he becomes different, and he cannot change. Therefore, living with people, we must recognize everyone, reckon with his individuality.

Shantideva:

“Like a treasury that appeared in my house without any effort on my part, I should rejoice at the enemy, for he assists me in the deeds of the Bodhisattva”

By putting these instructions into practice, we will discover that it is no trouble at all to meet the enemy; it is an accidental good fortune that makes us doubt ourselves and encourages development. Turning an enemy into an internal ally is a powerful move. If we ask ourselves what this person has to tell us (why exactly, why here and now?) and what is the lesson of this painful meeting, then our view of him will completely change: we will see not so much his intention to harm us, but the benefit we can derive from it. And from here one step to feel gratitude to him for what he is!

Spinoza:

“Do not laugh, do not cry, do not curse, but understand”

If we indulge in contempt, accusations or anger, there is no guarantee that we will thereby harm the victim who caused these feelings – but we will certainly harm ourselves. Spinoza’s instruction here merges with one of the main provisions of Buddhism: in order to cope with one’s negative emotions, one must turn to the reasons for one’s hatred of another, and this requires an intellectual effort to begin with. It is possible to move from emotion to understanding. If we understand that the one who harmed another is a person who is hurting and who deserves our sympathy, then we will feel better. But here we must keep in mind that to understand is one thing, but to forgive is quite another, and taking into account the suffering of our enemies, we will not automatically become saints. French philosopher Andre Comte-Sponville explains that only those who have already admitted they were wrong and ask for our forgiveness can only be forgiven. On this occasion, he quotes another French philosopher Vladimir Jankelevitch: “No, forgiveness is not created for pigs of both sexes.”