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From childhood, boys are taught that women are weak creatures who need protection and support. But modern young ladies pick up the «all by myself» syndrome, preferring to solve any problems alone. Time management specialist Anna Vsekhsvyatskaya tells why women do not know how to ask for help, reject it, and what to do about it.
I can’t ask
The first reason that provokes this syndrome is the inability to ask. You are uncomfortable, it seems that requests strain people, they may look at you “in a wrong way” or refuse you. Self-doubt and a feeling of inner tightness is to blame. But others are not psychics. And while you are embarrassed to ask, they do not even know that you need help. Everyone is running, in a hurry, there is no time to look around. At this time, you courageously climb into the train with suitcases and two children or try to open the trunk with heavy bags, complaining about the lack of a third hand.
You need to practice asking. If it’s hard with strangers, practice on loved ones — let it be requests for help in everyday life for a start. And you will see that the world is much friendlier than you thought. People rarely refuse, and if they refuse, then this is just an excuse to take the next step, learn to accept refusal and not consider it a reason to close again with the courageous banner of “I myself”. Gradually build up momentum and ask for help with more meaningful things.
I ask, but I can’t accept
The second problem is that you don’t know how to accept help. You can ask, but when they try to help you, you immediately back down: “Oh, no, thanks, I myself, there are only 38 kg.” At the heart of the problem lies the truth hammered into the heads — if you get help, then something is wrong with you. You are no longer small, you should not show weakness, by accepting help, you will become a debtor for a century — these and other arguments distort the meaning of help. It turns out that you must be a superwoman who can do everything in the world. Help is perceived as something shameful.
Do the exercise — write in pen in a notebook a list of why it seems to you that it is not normal to accept help. Try to look at it from a different angle and start working point by point, accepting help where previously refused. Track sensations. Make it a rule not to respond immediately to an offer of help, but first count to 10, thinking not about why this is not normal, but whether you need help now or not.
I don’t think anyone can do better than me.
The third is the fear that no one can do it better than you. After all, you give all your best, do this or that business for five plus, and if you entrust it, the result will be unpredictable. Surely others will make a mistake and have to redo it, spending twice as much time and other resources trying to fix everything.
Not only you, but also those close to you suffer from the “all by yourself” syndrome.
It is not treated quickly, but successfully, as the results of the students confirm. The point is the correct setting of tasks and timely correction. After voicing the task, ask again if everything is clear, ask questions to make sure of this. If something is not done the way you wanted, gently correct and correct it. The larger the process that you want to delegate, the more detailed and clear the instructions should be. You need to be prepared for the fact that the first time they can do or understand something wrong. Practice, this is the only way you can get rid of the fear “no one will do better than me” and delegate things to others.
I love feeling sorry for myself
The fourth cause of the syndrome is an underlying desire to be a victim. And when you do everything on your own, you go deeper into this state. Such a sharp feeling: I drag everything on myself, bend my back, no one helps me. And oddly enough, women with victim syndrome are often proud of this state of affairs. They seem to get tired of solving thousands of cases, but there is always something to reproach their neighbors with. Everyone is ready to regret and sympathize. If necessary, it is easy to use your heroism as a reproach for those who do not notice it, do not appreciate it, do not take it into account.
But this state is absolutely unproductive, it does not allow to develop. If you want to gain the respect of others, get help, it’s time to become an adult. Get out of the victim state as quickly as possible and take responsibility for your life. Exercises to increase self-esteem and self-worth, work with the inner child will help you. Contact a psychologist. If you can handle this problem on your own, great! It’s just not worth pulling, because there is one step to depression, the collapse of relationships and other troubles.
It is important to remember that not only you, but also those close to you suffer from the “all by yourself” syndrome.
In the end, I would like to quote a well-known aphorism: “It’s good to be able to do everything, but God forbid you do everything yourself …”.