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“Open up as a person”, “become yourself”, “find the meaning of life” – what do these tempting formulations really mean? What can each of us do to find our own path in life? Existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova explains.
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Svetlana Krivtsova is the director of the Institute of Existential-Analytical Psychology and Psychotherapy, lecturer at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University, author of several books, one of them is “How to find harmony with yourself and the world” (Genesis, 2004).
Рsychologies: What does it mean to “find your place”, “find yourself”?
Svetlana Krivtsova: It means to feel that we are where we need to be, that what we are doing now corresponds to us – at this moment we remain ourselves. But at the same time, this means that in a variety of situations a person tries to be in harmony with himself: he knows his real self and, despite objective difficulties, makes decisions based on the desire to be himself. To use the image of the existential philosopher Martin Heidegger, to find your place in life means to carry out your “life project”, and then in the end we can confidently say: life was difficult, but it was my life.
Where does this movement begin?
S.K.: From answers to simple, at first glance, questions: “What do I want?”, “What am I interested in?”, “What do I have a penchant for?” They are easier to answer if you mean not “for life”, not “in general”, but “at the moment”. Listening to ourselves, we gradually begin to notice our recurring needs and desires, something that always pleases us; what we spontaneously do to calm down and “come back to ourselves.” We will be able to recognize the uniqueness of our abilities and inclinations. To do this, however, we will have to learn to show a positive interest in other people (and how do they do it?) And remember the joy of success experienced by us in childhood. All this helps to feel what we really like… From such sensations a premonition arises: perhaps I was created just for this… Gradually, a vector emerges – a direction that we can call our own. Now, in a crisis, when the outside world is not so powerfully attracting us and luring us with its temptations, it’s time for such questions.
“SOMETIMES, FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE OURSELVES, WE SACRIFICE HAPPINESS. BUT IT RETURNS – AS A GRATITUDE OF LIFE.
“To live in harmony with oneself” – does this mean to live happily?
S.K.: We can say that inner harmony is a necessary but not sufficient condition for happiness. When we make decisions based on this feeling, we are ready to pay a huge price: to get tired, to overcome difficulties, to despair, all because we are doing something very different. But this process does not always make us happy: there are periods of doubt and uncertainty, sometimes a person sacrifices happiness for the sake of being himself. But in the end, paradoxically, happiness returns in the form of gratitude to life, to God for the opportunity to live just like this: “the work that I enjoy enriches me”, “relationships give me”. And finally, having experienced such fulfillment, we come to understand that happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get.
It turns out that self-realization is a process, not a result?
S.K.: On the one hand, self-realization is like a point in space: today, here and now, we can be ourselves or lose ourselves. But on the scale of life, it is also a process. We can get to know ourselves better, bring more of our own into the world, increasingly allow ourselves to be ourselves, trust ourselves, discover new facets of our abilities and live them. Self-realization is an amazing process: if it becomes an end in itself, it starts to slip, but as soon as we forget about it, that is, we simply begin to serve what we believe in and consider important, it gains strength again.
Is it possible to realize oneself only on one path?
S.K.: Not at all, we can find something important for ourselves both in work, and in the family, and in the struggle for an idea, and in the knowledge of the world, and in art …
A lot of activities at the same time – doesn’t this mean to be scattered, to lose something important in yourself?
S.K.: We come into the world, bringing with us something that has never been in it before – a unique originality of needs, opportunities, talents. They may not always be implemented in the same direction. I want to be a professional, but at the same time a father and, perhaps, also a son, as well as the owner of the house or the same brilliant billiard player as my boss. And I also want my youthful dreams to come true … Gradually, other preferences appear. And a person can, for example, with internal consent, refuse the next increase in order to save his time and health for his family.
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Is it possible to protect yourself from error by choosing the main thing?
S.K.: You should not, for example, choose a profession out of a spirit of contradiction, or out of a desire to achieve recognition and fame, or to please your father. It is impossible to pay such a high price for the opportunity to keep or receive love! It’s wrong to be offended by the fate that let us down: you planned an exciting profession, and after the injury, “everything is over” for you. This is an illusion: you need to remember why you liked the profession so much, which is now impossible to afford. What kind of person would she make you? And think: where else can you become like that?
Are there signs that the path is correct?
S.K.: First of all, it is pleasure, passion, interest, feelings that we experience when we are engaged in the chosen business. This is also the support of those whose opinion and authority are important to us. It would also be worthwhile to imagine yourself in 5, 10, 15 years and ask: am I still doing this? If the answer does not scare you, if there is still room in your life for what seems most important now, then the path has been chosen correctly.
Why is it so difficult to get through to yourself, to your “likes”?
S.K.: Sometimes the thought “this is for life” makes us very insecure. Only this – but what about everything else? What if there is something there that I will never know about myself? Not dwelling on something specific is a very big temptation. But by saying “no” all the time, you don’t know yourself. You need to choose something in order to better understand your own expectations of yourself. Even those of us who do not yet know what we really want, by the age of thirty, can at least answer the question of what they definitely do not want for themselves. Finding yourself once in the wrong place does not mean becoming a loser. The loser simply shrugged off what he feels, and for many more years continues to remain in the wrong place, all his life doing what he is indifferent to.
How to find your way?
“I AM VALUABLE AND DESERVE TO DO WHAT I LIKE, IS SUITABLE, NOT WHAT I HAVE TO DO NOW.”
S.K.: No fuss. Having let go of commitments and intentions, completely allowing yourself to be inactive, often you can only come across a “feeling of yourself”, that very central feeling, from which a clear understanding will gradually grow: I have value and deserve to do what I like, and not what you have to do now … So a person decides to start sticking to his direction in life, sometimes in spite of circumstances. And if, following intuition, he is wrong, that’s good. It is bad not to address yourself at all, completely surrendering to external life, for example, to run from one success to another.
But you must admit, not each of us comes to such complex truths. And not everyone asks the question: am I living my life?
S.K.: Each of us has a need to live in harmony with ourselves and with the world. And each of us from time to time experiences a quiet feeling of inner harmony: so right, it suits me, let it go on like this. But we begin to reflect at the moment when we stop experiencing this feeling. We become desperate, irritated, disappointed… And as a result, many people begin to change something in their lives step by step. For example, they come to an appointment with a psychotherapist or talk about it with a friend, conduct internal dialogues. You can be a very successful person and not have a dialogue with yourself, live in emptiness and despair. Or you can just be yourself, know your size, listen to your conscience. So being yourself is not for the elite at all.
Do you yourself, Svetlana, think that you have realized yourself in life?
S.K.: In my youth, in high school, I wanted two things: to become a psychologist, to better understand people, and to live my femininity. Today, thanks to my loved ones, I can say that in the profession, and in partnership, and in motherhood, I have the happiest opportunity to bring my own into life – in my own way, in my own style, and this is accepted by people and the world. This is what I wish for myself in the future.