We receive the image of the house even before birth and carry it through our whole life, the psychoanalyst believes. But we feel happy in it only if we know how to hear ourselves and our desires.
Psychologies: What is our home from the point of view of a psychoanalyst?
Svetlana Fedorova: The very first home for each of us was once the body of the mother. Of course, it was cramped and dark there, but the feeling of security and peace associated with this “home” will both beckon and frighten us throughout our lives. Then the child is born, discovering for himself a different space, objects, his separation from the world, the boundaries of which he needs to feel. By the way, this is why the baby feels better in a small and not too well-lit room.
Next, let’s remember how in childhood each of us built our own houses — under the table, behind the back of the sofa, covering chairs with a blanket … It is important for a child to have their own space, the ability to hide in it, and then leave it into the «big world» of the apartment. This is how his development takes place: gradually recognizing the world of adult feelings, desires and relationships, he either hides in his little corner to “digest” new information, or sets off to explore the unknown world further. If there is no such «refuge», the child has to grow up too quickly to be able to cope with emotions and impressions.
This is what a house for children looks like — but for adults?
S.F.: We can say that our house is a projection of our inner world into the outer one. Relationships with different household items often reflect unconscious internal relationships and conflicts between different parts of our «I». For example, the desire to completely control one’s desires, fantasies and feelings for someone may manifest itself in an obsessive need to see every thing in its strictly allotted place. Then even a vase slightly shifted during cleaning can cause an unaccountable alarm in its owner. He will not rest until he regains his original position, which for him (unconsciously) means regaining control over himself, his emotions, which threaten to break out.
And how does our real home change us? For example, many older people vividly remember communal apartments…
S.F.: Those who lived in communal apartments found themselves in a situation of childish helplessness, inability to change something in the apartment, which they were forced to share with complete strangers. And which, moreover, did not belong to them, but to the all-powerful state.
Subsequently, when it became possible to get their own housing, it turned out that our fellow citizens seemed to have lost the habit of living separately, on their own, without supervision. The birth rate, in spite of new and more favorable conditions, was declining, men drank more often, families broke up, and single women returned to their mothers …
If we continue this analogy, then life in Khrushchev — adolescence?
S.F.: You can say so. Society revived, oppressed and naive children turned into creative rebellious teenagers who gained some freedom, could gather in the kitchen and argue. Why in the kitchen? Because this is the place where you can feel protected, warm, full — and at the same time in the center of life. Thus, during the “thaw”, the kitchen acquired its almost sacred role: new ideas were born in it like new recipes.
Today, we are increasingly striving to equip housing in our own way — does it mean that we have completely matured?
S.F.: Yes, many have now learned to be responsible for themselves, and therefore for their living space. We break down walls, combine the kitchen with the living room or completely abandon it … But in the pursuit of convenience or fashion, we sometimes risk breaking the connection between our inner worldview and the space that we design. Or another example: it seems that a person has fulfilled the dream of his whole life — he has acquired a huge apartment, equipped it, furnished it with furniture … But it’s impossible to live — the feeling of someone else’s house. Why? Perhaps he unconsciously realized not his desire, but the dream of his father or mother. Or, on the contrary, he strove to do everything «not like his parents.» In both cases, he will feel uncomfortable in his own house, like a lonely lost child.
“IF THE SPACE OF THE HOUSE DEVELOPS, FILLS US WITH INSPIRATION, THEN IN OUR INTERNAL WORLD THERE IS A MOVEMENT OF LIFE TOO”
And how can you help yourself?
S.F.: One of my patients found herself in a similar situation: she spent almost all the time in her new beautiful apartment in the kitchen with a laptop and a cat. Until six months later, she accidentally found a way to “tame” her home. In her mother’s trunks, she came across old dresses and tablecloths and ordered decorative pillows from them. Gradually, she began to hear herself better, her own desires and feelings. Today, continuing the dialogue with them, she is changing her home, feeling more confident and calm in it.
But then why do we need the advice of fashion designers?
S.F.: They are useful, but if a person, not listening to himself, blindly follows only them, he creates only a false «I» for the sake of other people’s standards. Like Richard Gere’s character in Pretty Woman, who lived in a penthouse, although he was afraid of heights: he was sure that this was required by his status. In an effort to meet other people’s expectations, we fill our apartments with unnecessary things that could bring us pleasure and joy, but in reality only fence us off from ourselves. However, the opposite also happens. A person with a false “I” can demonstrate to everyone his aristocracy, taste and impeccability, but relaxes and allows himself to be himself only at home, in a cluttered apartment, where no one sees him and you can just throw everything on the floor.
How, from the point of view of a psychologist, does an ideal apartment look like?
S.F.: There are no perfect apartments or perfect people in the world! Therefore, you should not be afraid to change and improve your habitat. After all, if the space of our house develops, serves as a source of inspiration, then in our inner world there is a movement of life. The meaning of any change in the home is the embodiment of your personal history in the space where you live.