Survive the storm: how to understand that not everything is lost for your couple?

“In sorrow and joy,” we all behave differently. But it is our behavior that determines in which direction our couple will move. If we come together to work through problems, we are much more likely to keep the relationship going and make it deeper than before. But if we have to fight almost constantly, if the wounds are too deep and there are too many of them, even the strongest and most loving heart runs the risk of breaking the strain.

A lot of couples are struggling to deal with their problems. And even when exhausted, they try not to lose hope that the feeling that once visited them will return to them again.

Childhood illnesses, job loss and career conflicts, perinatal losses, difficulties with aging parents — it may seem to us that this will never end. Difficulties can hold a couple together, but if your life is a series of such challenges, you can simply forget about each other and catch on only when it’s too late.

Couples who stay together, despite the fact that there is less and less strength to maintain relationships, are the most motivated. They can’t leave things as they are, but they don’t even think about ending the relationship, says clinical psychologist and relationship specialist Randy Gunther.

The understanding that they are getting closer to the final seems to give them energy for the last spurts, the expert believes. And this speaks of their inner strength and devotion to another. But how to understand if we can save the relationship and get out of a series of alterations, or is it too late?

Randy Gunther offers 12 questions to answer to see if your couple has a chance.

1. Do you empathize with your partner?

How would you feel if your spouse gets sick? What if the wife loses her job? Ideally, both partners, when answering this question, should worry about the other at the mere thought of something like that.

2. If your partner leaves you, will you feel regret or relief?

Sometimes it seems to us that we can no longer tolerate all the negativity that we receive in a relationship. Perhaps, answering this question, some finally honestly admit to themselves: it will be easier for them if the spouse suddenly “disappears”. At the same time, if you ask them to think about a more distant future, the place of relief will be taken by sincere pain from the loss of a loved one.

3. Will you feel good if you leave behind a joint past?

Social circle, children together, acquisitions, traditions, hobbies… What if you had to give up everything that you «participated» in as a couple over the years? How will you feel if you put an end to the past?

4. Do you think you would be better off without each other?

Those who are on the verge of parting with a partner often cannot determine whether they are running from an old, disgusting life or still heading for something new and inspiring. It is especially important to answer this question if you have no idea how you will “fit” a new partner into your life.

5. Are there dark spots in your shared past that cannot be painted over?

It happens that one of the partners has done something out of the ordinary, and despite the efforts of his spouse or wife to forget about what happened and move on, this story is not erased from memory. This is, first of all, about treason, but also about other broken promises too (not to drink, quit drugs, devote more time to family, etc.). Such moments make relationships unstable, weaken the bond between loving people.

6. Are you able to control your reactions when faced with triggers from the past?

Couples who are facing serious problems and who have spent a lot of time fighting for relationships may overreact to words and behavior. He just looked at you with «the same» look — and you immediately explode, although he has not even said anything yet. Scandals arise out of the blue, and no one else can track how another quarrel began.

Think about whether you are able not to react in the usual way to such «signs»? Can you not run away from home as soon as scandal is in the air? Are you ready to look for new ways and take responsibility for your actions, even if it seems that your partner “provokes” you?

7. Is there a place for laughter and fun in your relationship?

Humor is a strong foundation for any intimate relationship. And the ability to joke is an excellent “medicine” for the wounds that we inflict on each other. Laughter helps to cope with any, even the most difficult situation — of course, provided that we do not scoff and do not make sarcastic remarks that hurt another.

If you’re still laughing at jokes you both understand, if you can laugh heartily at a goofy comedy, you might still love each other.

8. Do you have an «alternate airfield»?

Even if you still care about each other’s feelings and love your partner, an outside relationship is a real threat to your relationship. Unfortunately, tenderness, habit and respect can hardly endure the test of passion for a new person. Your long-term relationship looks faded against the backdrop of anticipation of a new romance.

9. Are you both responsible for what goes wrong?

When we blame the other and refuse our share of responsibility for what is happening between us, we «stab a knife in the relationship,» the expert is sure. She reminds that an honest look at your contribution to what has harmed your union is necessary for its preservation.

10. Do you have experience of living through a crisis?

Have you experienced difficulties in previous relationships? Do you quickly bounce back after difficult experiences? Do you consider yourself mentally stable? When one of the partners is going through difficult times, he naturally «leans» on his half. And if you have the necessary knowledge and are ready to lend a shoulder in a crisis situation, this already greatly strengthens the position of your family, Randy Gunther believes.

11. Are there any problems in your life that you are ready to solve together?

Sometimes your relationship suffers from external events for which neither you nor your partner is to blame. But these external events can “lower the immunity” of your connection, the expert warns. Financial troubles, illnesses of loved ones, difficulties with children — all this drains us both emotionally and financially.

To save a relationship, you need to be clear about what events do not apply to you and your partner, and what the two of you can do to improve your life. The habit of taking full responsibility for solving problems can lead you to a serious crisis — not only family, but also personal.

12. Are you looking forward to meeting each other?

The answer to this question is usually very revealing. When we are in pain, we will seek support and comfort from those who are close and dear to us, says Randy Gunther. And even if, as time passes, we again move away from the other, it is likely that at some point we will still begin to get bored and look for his company.

You can ask the above questions not only to yourself, but also to your partner. And the more matches in your answers, the higher the likelihood that for you as a couple, not everything is lost. After all, each of the 12 questions is based on a simple and understandable message: “I don’t want to live without you, please don’t give up!”, Randy Gunter is sure.

About the Expert: Randy Gunther is a Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Specialist.