Survive the Holidays Without Going Crazy: Setting Personal Boundaries

The festive season for many turns into a real stress: making lists of gifts, walking through crowded stores, cooking, cleaning. And what about family feasts with relatives, not all of which are pleasant to us – especially those that allow themselves unflattering comments about our appearance, work or lifestyle …

Not surprisingly, 64% of people with some kind of mental disorder report that their condition worsens during the holidays.¹.

In the last one and a half to two years, the situation has worsened: for example, according to the results of a survey conducted in 2021, 3 out of 5 Americans say that they feel worse on holidays; 60% of survey participants report an increase in anxiety (compared to the holidays in 2020), and another 52% – an increase in their symptoms of depression².

But there is good news: you can survive the holidays and not go crazy by finally learning to set and maintain personal boundaries. Here’s exactly what you can do.

1. Know in advance what you want

Psychologist Ernesto Lira de la Rosa advises asking yourself this holiday season:

• What is important for me to do during this period?

• How do I want to feel after the holidays?

• Will I need personal time in the midst of the holidays?

• What will help me feel happy all these days?

• Do I say “yes” too often just out of guilt?

According to him, the definition of one’s own personal boundaries is not a quick process, but without it it is impossible to move to the next stage – their establishment.

2. Don’t agree to go somewhere if you don’t feel safe.

It does not matter if we are talking about traveling to another country, another city, or at least to a suburb. If you feel that it is not safe to go somewhere now, if you are trying to avoid crowds of people and therefore hardly use public transport, you have the right to refuse any invitations.

In the end, you can congratulate relatives by phone or by zoom

3. Don’t agree to go where you don’t want to.

“Even if you haven’t seen your friends for a long time or you are afraid that they won’t call you again, don’t accept the invitation if you feel that you are at zero. If your only desire is to curl up on the couch in front of the TV, then follow it, says family therapist Caitlin Soule. “Remember: planning for leisure and personal time is just as important as parties and meetings with loved ones.”

4. Decide what precautions you will take

Psychiatrist Anisha Patel-Dann is sure that it is worth deciding in advance who you are ready to see and who you are not, at what events you are ready to take off your mask, and where you prefer to take maximum precautions.

Health and safety are paramount, so it’s not uncommon to change the established tradition of celebrating the New Year in a big noisy company and gather a small circle of friends at home, asking everyone to come with a fresh PCR test.

5. Decide on a budget for gifts

In fact, it would be good to understand and clearly define your financial boundaries not only during the New Year, but also at other times. For example, you can agree in advance with friends and family on the amount that you will spend on a gift to each other – for example, 1000, 3000 or 5000 rubles.

6. Don’t keep up conversations about topics you don’t like.  

“Part of the reason why New Year’s Eve is so stressful is because family gatherings bring together people with different views on politics, religion, or current events,” explains clinical psychologist Laurie Ryland. Try to remind yourself that some people are very difficult to convince. It’s not worth even trying. Save your time and nerves.”

Ryland advises avoiding meetings with the most “difficult” opponents, and if this is not possible, change the topic of conversation: “At least we both agree that we do not agree on this issue” or “I’m here to spend time with my family, and not to debate.”

And of course, you are not obliged to listen to other people’s comments about your weight, habits or personal life, even if the interlocutor says all this “with the best of intentions.” It is perfectly normal and healthy to say that this is unpleasant for you, and if the interlocutor continues in the same spirit, simply leave the room.  

7. Decide in advance how much time you are willing to spend at the party

Psychotherapist and family and marriage specialist Laura Bokar is sure that when we know exactly how much time we have to spend at a particular event – whether it’s a family dinner or an evening with friends – it’s easier for us to endure even not too pleasant moments.

8. Decide what the consequences will be for violating your personal boundaries.

And they, the consequences, must be – otherwise the people around will violate your boundaries again and again. Psychotherapist Divya Robin believes that it is worth saying all this out loud: “For example, you can say that if the dialogue that is unpleasant to you does not stop, you will leave. And, if the interlocutors do not calm down on this, keep your word.

9. Take care of yourself throughout the holidays

How do you usually support yourself? How do you take care of your mental health? Are you meditating? Do yoga? Are you running? Do you keep a diary? Psychotherapist Amira Johnson suggests not to abandon the usual practice during the New Year holidays too. “Connecting with yourself and maintaining inner balance will help you get through these challenging times.”

10. Pay attention to your health

Ronit Levy, Director of the Anxiety Center, says it’s especially important to eat right and get enough sleep during the winter holidays. “Without this, it is difficult for all of us to think clearly, make the right decisions and not react to the inadequate actions of others.” 

It is also worth planning ahead for rest periods – including short breaks during the day, during which you can “diagnose” your condition, understand how you feel, check if your personal boundaries have been violated.

“Focus on yourself and what you’re going to get from the holidays,” Levy advises. “Remind yourself that you don’t have to please everyone, especially to the detriment of yourself.” Focus on yourself, the people you love, and how you want to remember these holidays.

^{1. According to the National Alliance of Mental Health.https://www.nami.org/Press-Media/Press-Releases/2014/Mental-health-and-the-holiday-blues}

^{2. The survey was conducted by Sesame.https://sesamecare.com/blog/lowering-holiday-stress-2021}

^{Source: huffpost}