Survive a teenage rebellion

“Sonia was 15 years old when she began to lie to me,” recalls 45-year-old Elena. She locked herself in her room and spent hours talking on the phone with her friends. I just didn’t know what to do. The daughter did not answer my questions and did not tell me anything else. I felt terribly helpless: all the time I imagined terrible pictures of what would certainly happen to her. And she didn’t sleep at all.”

Elena repeatedly tried to talk to her husband, but he did not take what was happening seriously. He waved her off: “Stop acting like a mother hen!” “He said that we should give our daughter more freedom, trust her,” Elena continues, “otherwise she will never learn to be responsible for her actions. I felt like he just didn’t understand me.” Elena only a year later decided to come for a consultation with a psychologist.

Most mothers perceive the slightest tension in a relationship with a child more acutely than fathers. “This is due to the fact that a woman is carrying a child, and even having matured, he can remain the closest person to her,” explains Jungian analyst Anna Skavitina. But when a woman feels misunderstood by her husband, it is difficult for her to share her feelings with other close people – relatives, friends. She is ashamed of how the child behaves, ashamed of her helplessness, afraid of condemnation and misunderstanding, and tries to cope with her guilt herself. And as a result, it remains completely devastated. Nevertheless, the natural disaster that sometimes becomes adolescence can be experienced without severe losses.

Father involvement

Many mothers of teenagers, whether married or not, feel lonely. “It happens that fathers are afraid of the child’s uncontrollable behavior, the strength of his emotions, which they inevitably encounter when children grow up,” explains Anna Skavitina. – To cope with their own fears, they often move away from problems, stop noticing them, push them out. Therefore, it is so important that a woman helps her husband to get involved in a new family situation.

“Sometimes a mother literally feels like one being with her child,” says child psychologist Marina Bebik. “In order to maintain this important closeness for her, she (often unconsciously) comes between the child and his father.” Even if such a way of life has developed in the family, during the period of adolescence of children, parents should (finally) decide to change it. If only because teenagers need it. After all, they often commit their stupidity only in order to unite their parents.

“It is easier for men than for women to see a child as a separate person,” Anna Skavitina clarifies. “They are ready to give their children more independence, autonomy, which teenagers need so much. This position of the father helps the mother to give up the fantasy of her omnipotence.

It is much more difficult for mothers who raise children alone. “In this case, the role of the father can symbolically pass to a family friend, an older relative, a psychologist, a teacher,” says psychotherapist Yuri Frolov. “Communicating with one of these men will help the teenager get through this painful time, and the mother will be able to step back a little from the situation, look at it with a new look.” This is useful in order to find a solution to a problem or just calm down, cool down the intensity of passions.

listen sensitively

We do not always perceive the “messages” that our loved ones send us, but their decoding would help us understand them better! “For example, having heard the grandfather’s words “the granddaughter walks like something lowered into the water”, it is worth taking a closer look at the girl,” continues Marina Bebik. Our experts advise: pay attention to changes in speech and behavior of a teenager. To his annoyance and exclamations (“I’m tired of everything!”, “I’m just stupid!”), Bad grades, loss of appetite or anxiety (does he take drugs? Has depression begun?).

It helps some parents to notice such changes in time with a notebook in which they write down their observations, doubts, fears. “Keeping such a diary does not mean that parents are spying on their child,” explains Marina Bebik. “But thanks to him, they learn to be attentive to details, which helps them to notice the difference between demonstrative behavior and the SOS signal in time.” Dyeing your hair blue is a demonstrative act. But if a teenager shaved his head and painted it with signs, this could be a cry for help…

Demonstrative actions help children to assert themselves, to find their boundaries. But the cry for help is an attempt by a teenager to attract the attention of others, to tell them about how bad he is, and at least somehow cope with his suffering.

let go baby

“When a child turns 9-10 years old, mothers should think about what kind of relationship they have developed,” says Yuri Frolov. – If the connection between them is too strong (akin to a merger), it can turn into problems in the future. At the age of 13–15, and sometimes even earlier, all adolescents feel the need to separate from their parents (especially from their mother), build new relationships with adults, and become more independent people. And the stronger the emotional closeness with the mother, the more difficult it is for them to part.

In especially difficult cases, this gap brings so much pain that it is expressed in various symptoms: anorexia, various types of addictions (drugs, alcohol), risky behavior that is dangerous for a teenager and his environment … “It is better to ask in advance, without waiting for a storm to break out. myself: Am I expecting too much from my child? Marina Bebik agrees. “Am I using it to fill my emotional life?”

Defuse aggressiveness

Any manifestation of violence in adolescents is a sign of deep mental distress. “There is no violence in a family without a reason!” experts emphasize. If a teenager is rude, rude or uses his hands, it means that he is convinced that he himself is a victim of violence – in reality or in his own fantasy. “Perhaps the parents simply did not give the child enough space for him to feel his autonomy, and the teenager rebels against such restrictions, perceiving them as an invasion of his territory,” says psychotherapist Xavier Pommereau (Xavier Pommereau). “His aggression is definitely a backlash.”

What to do if a teenager starts screaming, hitting the wall with his fist, throwing objects on the floor? How to respond to help him relieve stress and avoid danger? According to Xavier Pommero, “during a quarrel, you should not approach him or her closer than an arm’s length. It is better to stay two meters away: this is how you show your teenager that you respect his privacy. If in a conflict situation he crosses this border, he may involuntarily perceive this as a manifestation of aggression and react accordingly.

Another tip: it is better not to have a tense conversation in the kitchen, where kitchen tools or boiling water may be at hand. Use body language to defuse the situation. “When we argue, we reflexively get up from our seats, straighten up to our full height,” notes Xavier Pommero. – During an aggressive scene, it is better for parents, on the contrary, to sit down first. This action will be an offer for a truce, a signal to calm down – because when we sit, we cannot fight.

What exactly is not worth doing? Look into the eyes of a teenager during a quarrel and demand the same from him. “A direct look is perceived as aggression. That is why many teenagers hide behind a hood, covering their faces with strands of hair. They don’t want to be “bitten”. If you feel irritated, just look away. Let your teen leave the room to calm down. You can continue the conversation another time.” “Do not blame, if you want to clarify something, ask clear questions,” explains Marina Bebik. “Be sincere and open.”

But if a teenager nevertheless begins to express his aggression in action – he tries to push or grab his hand, it is necessary to act. “It is necessary to clearly and firmly explain to him that he has gone beyond what is permitted and you will not tolerate this,” advises Yuri Frolov. Discuss this with him later, when he has calmed down. In such cases, it is worth contacting a specialist (psychotherapist, psychologist) as soon as possible so that violence does not become the usual language of communication in the family.

Decide for a consultation

Many mothers do not seek help for a long time, trying to convince themselves that the situation is difficult, but not hopeless. “It’s time to turn to a psychologist if you feel that you are unable to cope with the situation, that the problems of a teenager take up too much space in your life and you don’t know what to do next,” says Anna Skavitina. “You may need to meet with several specialists to find someone who can really help you.”

There is no need to rush: what may seem to you as a setback, a step backwards, is in fact an important element of the therapy process. And we must always remember that children are not malleable clay in our hands, but full-fledged individuals, independent people who are destined to build a life apart from us.