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The announcement of the pregnancy is the first highlight for the future father. The medical appointments quickly arrive, the recommendations of the health professionals that he will share with his partner, some precautions to be taken which modify daily life a little. The first and the beginning of the second trimester do not seem very striking for some fathers, apart from the ultrasounds. The end of the second trimester, with the onset of fetal movements, is more significant. Fathers are happy to talk about the physical contact they have with their babies by putting their hands on their wives’ tummy. Fathers who practice haptonomy feel this special relationship even more. In the third trimester, the material aspect concretely involves the fathers: preparing the room, taking more charge of household chores, organizing social life differently, seeing how it will be possible to take his wife to the maternity ward, prepare for paternity leave. …
When does a man feel like a father?
- There are men who feel like fathers as soon as they test positive for pregnancy.
- There are some for whom the revelation comes when they hear their baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound.
- There are those who discover paternity by taking their child in their arms for the first time.
- There are those who invest in their role of father several months after birth.
To know : In some maternity hospitals, psychologists also receive future fathers, with or without their partner.
Ultrasound
The first is often the most important for humans, it brings something concrete: ” At the first ultrasound, the baby becomes more visible, more real, and therefore more present… and I better understood its evolution and the reactions of my partner. Finally see her baby for real! The first look at my child … I’m even happier … We now know the measurements and frankly, I did not imagine him so developed for 12 weeks! He already lives with us! Discovery, satisfaction, amazement, relief, joy, wonder, are the words that come up when fathers talk about ultrasounds.
Go to birth preparation sessions? At consultations?
Future fathers do not all participate in their wives’ pregnancy in the same way. Some really live it with them. These also go to birth preparation sessions. They appreciate the visit to the maternity ward, they like to know the way to the birth room, they need to visualize the place. Other fathers follow the preparation by intermediary wife. ” My wife told me when I got home, so I was ready for childbirth. But others cannot or do not want to participate in the sessions. It is for them a place reserved for women and it is true that some future mothers prefer to go there alone, to stay among themselves. Midwives organize one or two sessions with the fathers, the other sessions are reserved for women.
Some fathers, few in number, manage to attend the monthly consultations. They enjoy this moment with their wife around the unborn baby, they come to check on her. They learn about its development: when will they perceive the first movements? When will the baby hear? Why hasn’t he turned around yet? But other fathers are embarrassed to be a spectator of the vaginal examination, which is too intimate. Ultrasounds, prenatal consultations, preparation sessions, haptonomy, help men to imagine their child, to give it a reality, to feel close to him, to prepare for his new role: he feels father before birth.
To know: In some maternities there are talk groups for future and new fathers. If they want to participate, they should talk about it and will surely find places where they will be welcome.
Fathers and childbirth
The question of presence at childbirth arises very early in pregnancy in some men. In others, it will be an episode of contractions in the third trimester that will make them wonder. And he
there are the accounts of friends, colleagues, who speak of the length of the wait, of the feeling of helplessness during contractions, of the feeling of being “overwhelmed” by the force shown by their wife, of the upheaval during the contractions. the arrival of the baby. But which also testify to their pride, their immense joy, to have been there, quite simply. When the spouse cannot stay with his wife who is going to give birth by cesarean, he feels very alone, often forced to wait outside the surgical unit. The teams are aware of this moment of loneliness and do their best to give him the first news as soon as possible, then to present his baby to him.
The presence of the father in the birth room is neither obvious nor compulsory. Going through the period of labor, then expulsion, with the pain, the sight of blood, may offend the sensitivity of some. This is why the spouse sometimes needs to be helped to clarify his wishes (presence in the delivery room, cutting the cord). Some women do not want their husbands to attend the birth. They want to preserve their privacy. It is understandable modesty.
To help your partner during these nine months
From the onset of pregnancy, the expectant mother should take dietary precautions to avoid listeriosis and toxoplasmosis if she is not immune. She should not drink alcohol, smoke, or be in a smoky atmosphere. This means that the meals must be adapted, as well as the purchases and the hygiene of the refrigerator. It is more pleasant when the spouse accepts dietary restrictions, anticipates them when shopping and supports his wife on outings to avoid tobacco and alcohol.
At rest
When the course of the pregnancy requires rest, a new organization must be put in place to take care of the house. ” Before 6 months, I was a spectator; when Anne found herself in bed with contractions, I was suddenly very involved, having to mother Anne so that she could mother the baby. I did everything. It was a lot. But it was my new role », Says Philippe. Family and friends will be asked for a little help. Sometimes you will have to discuss with your partner so that she accepts that the house is not as well kept as when there are two of you doing everything.
There is also the room to prepare, the equipment to buy, to install. The future mother often prefers that everything be ready very early, while the future father, more objective, is less in a hurry. Know that what you are preparing will be experienced by your partner as a testimony of your interest in the arrival of your child.
At the end of pregnancy
In the third trimester, the expectant mother is easily short of breath, and standing can be very unpleasant on the legs and back. It is better to avoid the big steps, visits to museums or exhibitions. And think that almost all of her concerns are with the baby’s arrival and that’s okay. If she is less interested in your activities, it’s not that she is less interested in you. On the contrary, she needs you, your attention. She may fear that you will turn away from her both now and after the birth. Some women feel beautiful when they are pregnant, others find themselves almost misshapen; the shift in the pace of life and interests makes them fear they will be neglected. If your wife lives in this fear, there is someone who can comfort her: it is you. When you doubt yourself, it often only takes a few words to regain your confidence. At this moment, in your wife, a prodigious force is exerted: that incomparable to make develop and be born a child. It takes a lot of energy. Some women become particularly sensitive; a misunderstood or misinterpreted sentence can impress them. Listen to your companion, reassure her. Words have a magical power: they can cause concern when, for example, a friend tells about a difficult childbirth; but they can also reassure. These words, you will know how to find them. If her fears persist, ask her to talk to the doctor or midwife following the pregnancy.
“In the evening, I liked to cuddle her belly. The first time I did it, I felt that this child was between us, Theo.
From couple to family
Today, the father is involved psychologically and emotionally during pregnancy. The prospect of birth changes the balance of the couple: the baby takes more and more place in the thoughts and concerns of the parents. Birth of course accentuates this development. The first weeks, the first months, life will revolve around your baby and you will adapt to his rhythm, to his needs; you won’t have much time to spend together, you will have to organize things differently.
This passage will be facilitated by the implication, the proximity of the father in the life of the family, in the organization of the house. Paternity leave helps the father to take an active part in the establishment of a new family balance. It allows him to take full advantage of the child, of his companion, without forgetting the elders. The more the father is present, the more time the mother will have for herself, the more she will be able to find her place as a woman and express her needs and desires. It will also help her to get out of this “primary maternal concern” (to use the expression of DW Winnicott already quoted) which focuses her exclusively on her baby. A birth strengthens the bonds within the couple, gives it another dimension, another future.
Vulnerable parents
The way in which a man and a woman live while waiting for their child also depends on external events which can weaken them (bereavement, loss of job, housing or financial problem, etc.). In these situations of instability, it is important not to be alone, to talk about it, for example to the doctor, to the midwives of the maternity or the PMI, to a social worker, to a psychologist.
This article is taken from Laurence Pernoud’s reference book: 2018)
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