Continuing the topic of family happiness, we turned to blogger dads for advice. Yes, men also share tips online. Who is in charge of the family? What parenting strategy to choose and how not to lose romance in a relationship? The best instups told about this and not only.
The editors of the Woman’s Day website asked the heroes several pressing questions.
Andrey Kleverin, head of the information security company, maintains his account .
1. How and what time does the day start?
I do not belong to that category of people who wake up early and have time to redo a bunch of things. A classic weekday morning looks like this: getting up at around seven, before 7:30 am self-packing and preparing breakfast for myself and three schoolchildren. I wake up the guys at 7:30. At 8:00 we leave the house, since we live outside the city, at 8:15 – 8:20 I drop the children off at school and then go to work.
2. The carrot and stick method: how to find a balance between strictness and softness?
It is important for parents to show that it takes effort to achieve what they want. But do not go too far in the direction of severity, we are not raising Spartans. The kid should feel that he is loved and ready to forgive little pranks. You mentioned the word “balance” absolutely correctly, and I would also add two important terms “clear rules” and “consistency”. In the family, you need to determine the boundaries: what is allowed and what is not. Until you agree on the exact rules, you cannot scold and punish. Do not make the classic mistake of young parents who perceive the child as an equal to themselves and claim that “he must understand everything himself.” But do not leave without reaction that which is clearly not allowed within the framework of family rules. And here the consistency in upbringing is important so that the child understands: violation of the rules entails punishment.
3. Dad can do whatever he wants: how are responsibilities distributed? Who is in charge?
I would not use the term “chief” in family life, it would be more correct to talk about partnership. In our family, I am responsible for interaction with the outside world, and Irishka provides the rear, takes care of children and still manages to develop her small business. She has a design studio for ladies’ dresses.
4. How did you become a blogger?
It’s really not a typical situation for a mature man to spend time blogging. I joke that these are manifestations of a midlife crisis. Seriously though, the story was like this. My wife became an active blogger about five years ago. And I enjoyed reading her page and the pages of her friends’ insta. From time to time in publications, there were discussions of difficult questions about building relationships. Reading the comments and discussions, I realized how often girls misunderstand the words and actions of their men. They lack an honest male gaze. And I decided to start sharing my experience. What started out as a light hobby has become a serious part of life.
5. How do you control emotions so as not to get frustrated? How are you resting?
The grinding-in period in our family is long gone. We have been together for almost 20 years and already understand each other without words. It’s more difficult with children. They can sometimes freak out, but here you need to restrain yourself by willpower. Although sometimes I can and shout to besiege the overplaying peasants. If we talk about emotions on social networks, then I have already clearly understood that you should not take everything to heart.
And about the rest with us, everything is quite usual. We divide the weekend into a children’s day, when the whole family goes out somewhere (theater, circus, cinema, amusement parks), and an adult day. The children are then looked after by our elder. He is already 17 years old, and he does an excellent job with all issues. Several times a year we try to travel and show the world to children.
6. How do you maintain romance in your relationship with your spouse?
Romance is my theme. I like to arrange surprises: from small (flowers for no reason, evening date) to quite serious (unexpected trip to a wedding anniversary). In my blog, I even created a separate section #surprise_academy, where I described in detail why romance is important in a relationship and what surprises can be organized.
7. What are your plans for the future? Do you dream of a daughter?
We, of course, dream of a daughter, but I can’t say for sure. But I do not exclude such a possibility. Our youngest fifth baby was born just a month ago. Therefore, we will pause for at least three years to allow the child to grow up and give his mother a rest. In general, there are many plans for the future: raising children, loving my wife, traveling more, developing my business and blog, and, possibly, publishing a book!
8. Super life hack for future dads?
Men, do not listen to the now fashionable judgment that, before becoming a father, you need to get on your feet and start earning a lot and steadily. As a person who first became a father, as a student, I am ready to assert that having children in adolescence is a powerful catalyst for a future career. You simply cannot afford to relax and due to this you will achieve greater heights than your peers. This theory has been tested not only on me, but also on a dozen successful friends. So do not be afraid of difficulties, get out of your comfort zone.
Anton Dudkov, owner of a beauty studio, maintains his account .
1. How and what time does the day start?
The day begins with Milliana screaming “daddy”. She uses the word “mother” only when she is hungry. This happens at 8-9 am. The girls go to wash, Christina is preparing breakfast. I don’t go into the kitchen or the bath, but I take part in everything else.
2. The carrot and stick method: how to find a balance between strictness and softness?
The whip method – no, absolutely not. I don’t understand people who scold, shout, beat. Children need to be explained, taught, told. The world is new to them. From birth my daughter hears the word “no” and understands it well! But I use it exclusively as a safety measure and be sure to explain the reason.
3. Dad can do whatever he wants: how are responsibilities distributed? Who is in charge?
With the duties, everything is simple: you need to vacuum – I’ll do it, you need to wipe the table – I silently take and wipe. Christina does exactly the same. The only thing I don’t go to is cooking, but it’s not a shame to wash the dishes. There are three main people in the family – a daughter, a wife and me. My daughter listens to me more, my “no” acts with lightning speed, but my mother’s causes fun.
4. How did you become a blogger?
A blog for me is like a book in which I try to explain how not to do it, what the consequences might be, how to solve problems. All knowledge has been obtained and verified through personal experience. I began to write due to the fact that incomprehensible situations constantly happen to me. If my blog changes at least 10 people in a good way, I will be happy about it.
5. How do you control emotions so as not to get frustrated? How are you resting?
In the distant past, I worked as a dealer in a casino. This is a very good school of life, in which discipline was first and foremost. Undoubtedly, my daughter gave a good kick for weighing many situations that I had not even thought about before. Rest for me is silence. My wife and I travel little abroad because of the heavy workload and the crazy pace of life. At the moment we are resting in Turkey with my daughter, this is our first trip with a child.
6. How do you maintain romance in your relationship with your spouse?
I’m not a romantic by nature, my wife has a hard time with me. But after a good kick I immediately become one. Without a wife and her shake nowhere. We periodically go to the spa, fly to relax, go to country clubs, and, of course, pamper my wife with gifts.
7. What do you prefer – a romantic weekend with your spouse or an active trip with the whole family?
An active trip with the whole family. This is what I am doing now, moving from hotel to hotel, testing Turkey for strength.
8. Super life hack for future dads?
Don’t be “fathers”, be “dads”. Before starting a family, you need to be reasonable and understand the seriousness of the situation. Love and be loved! Only in this situation will your child grow up happy, successful and loving!
Alexey Luzhkov is a professional children’s massage therapist and a specialist in exercise therapy for babies. Maintains his account .
1. How and what time does the day start?
On weekdays I get up at 6 in the morning and, while I brew coffee, I do push-ups 20 times – it wakes up well. I don’t rush around the apartment in search of clothes, my wife prepares everything in the evening. Therefore, I am cheerful, beautiful and well-fed by 8 in the morning to the little patients.
2. The carrot and stick method: how to find a balance between strictness and softness?
Everything should be without fanaticism. We practically do not limit the actions of our child, we only prohibit what threatens life and health. If we prohibit it, then we will definitely explain why. We find a balance between strictness and gentleness in the common sense of joint upbringing.
3. Dad can do whatever he wants: how are responsibilities distributed? Who is in charge?
“Anything” is not about me. I can “get a mammoth”, but I will trust my wife to cook it. But I taught her to swaddle the baby and change diapers. “The main thing in the family is dad! That’s what my mother said ”- that’s about us!
4. How did you become a blogger?
Initially, there was no goal of being a blogger, I just wanted to show the importance of the physical development of a child’s first year. Now I constantly come up with games with elements of exercise therapy and share them with my readers. I named it BabyCrossFit. Public is my brainchild and a tool with which I can convey knowledge and give advice to young parents.
5. How do you control emotions so as not to get frustrated? How are you resting?
In general, I am a calm person in life. But everyone needs relaxation, so I go to boxing classes. Physically I rest when I sleep, and morally – with my family we try to go out into nature. Any change in the type of activity is already a rest!
6. How do you maintain romance in your relationship with your spouse?
My wife and I have been together for many years. However, I still love giving flowers to her surprise and buying her favorite chocolate. And she comes up with ideas for spending time together.
7. Do you consider it necessary to physically develop the child with the help of massage or will the children learn everything at their own pace and without additional stimuli?
Conducting professional massage courses is comparable to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Here everyone decides for himself, as in adult life. Through massage, we do not so much stimulate as we carry out prevention and strengthen the baby’s body.
8. Super life hack for future dads?
The best toy store is the hardware store. Clothespins, various boxes, soap dishes, plastic ladles, mugs, bowls – all these inexpensive items can attract a child’s attention for a long time.
Ilya Ilinykh is a young Russian theater and film actor. Maintains his account .
1. How and what time does the day start?
When I am at home and on weekends, I get up at 7 in the morning. I really want to pamper my wife with morning sleep, give her the opportunity to sleep, now it is a real holiday for her.
2. The carrot and stick method: how to find a balance between strictness and softness?
At the moment, our son is only 4 months old, and we take turns kissing and pampering him. Then I plan to be a strict father, and then how will it turn out.
3. Dad can do whatever he wants: how are responsibilities distributed? Who is in charge?
Almost all household chores are performed by my wife, I only help if possible. The main one, of course, is me. My wife likes to be like a stone wall, and I like to make decisions and protect my family.
4. How did you become a blogger?
On the day Maxim was born, this idea came to me. I wanted to make a video about our life. I didn’t think I would have that many subscribers. Now it is a kind of forum where I ask questions of interest and an electronic diary for my son. I think when he grows up, it will be interesting for him to see all this.
5. How do you control emotions so as not to get frustrated? How are you resting?
I control my emotions, at least I try very hard. Relaxation is watching a movie or having dinner with your wife. We also like to spend time with friends.
6. How do you maintain romance in your relationship with your spouse?
We have our own custom. For the holidays we give each other cards, but not simple ones! We ourselves cut out a rectangle from the cardboard, on one side we create a picture that is associated with the text written on the other side. These are our declarations of love.
7. In connection with the profession, how to cope with separation from your family?
I miss you very much every time. Whenever possible, I call my wife, find out how things are, worry that I am leaving alone with the baby.
8. Super life hack for future dads?
Sleep with a child in an embrace during the day, then his sleep will be longer.
Artem Tolokonin – psychologist, psychotherapist, sexologist, candidate of medical sciences. Maintains his account .
1. How and what time does the day start?
My day now starts at 6-7 am (sometimes earlier) with morning exercises and meditation.
2. The carrot and stick method: how to find a balance between strictness and softness?
I am not using the carrot and stick method. My method is partnership! Any child has his own inclinations, hobbies, which he is ready to do all day. My son, for example, is passionate about modeling. The older daughters love to paint. But besides this, I offer them something new – this year I put all the elders on downhill skiing. At first they were a little afraid, and then they began to have fun. Any child requires a personal relationship. My task is to discover and educate a unique personality capable of being independent.
3. Dad can do whatever he wants: how are responsibilities distributed? Who is in charge?
The most important thing is love! My wife and I have complete equality, we are always at the same time. We make many decisions together. My wife cooks great healthy and tasty food, and I make money better.
4. How did you become a blogger?
My wife encouraged me to become a blogger. And I am very pleased to share with people the information they need!
5. How do you control emotions so as not to get frustrated? How are you resting?
I regularly practice meditation and I myself form the mood I need to achieve my goals! If I suddenly get upset, which is rare, then I quickly put myself in the right mood. Since I understand all the harm and meaninglessness of a bad mood.
6. How do you maintain romance in your relationship with your spouse?
I do not forget that my wife is the most beloved person in the world. And love tells you what to do at the moment. When to call, hug, what to give.
7. You have extensive experience as a family psychologist – does it happen that psychology interferes with your relationships within your own family?
The experience of a family psychologist helps to build harmonious relationships in the family. When the destinies of many families pass through you, I see what and how can lead to problems. I also learn from my clients. The opposite is also true – my experience of family relationships helps to clearly understand the problems of clients and give competent recommendations.
8. Super life hack for future dads?
Family is the place where we learn to love! Focusing on unconditional love – we always find the best solution!
Alexander Shmelkov – marketer, candidate of sociological sciences. Maintains an account .
1. How and what time does the day start?
Now that the sleep pattern has stabilized, we get up earlier than before: my wife and children are at about 7 in the morning, and I can lie around for a bit. She used to bring girls to our bed, and they crawled over me, but now they are no longer interested. After I get up, I help them wash. The girls go to eat porridge to the cartoons, and I run to work. On weekends we try to walk together until lunchtime. Several times I have tried to leave alone with my daughters to children’s concerts in order to somehow relieve my wife.
2. The carrot and stick method: how to find a balance between strictness and softness?
Sometimes I have to tug at my wife. In this case, I am always soft. But when I find myself in her place and see that one scattered berries, and then began to crush them on the carpet, the second wrote on this carpet and began to smash something, I can’t stand it and can get angry. The balance of carrots and sticks varies from atmosphere to moment.
3. Dad can do whatever he wants: how are responsibilities distributed? Who is in charge?
Of course, the main one is me. I always have the support of my family. Without my advice, my wife does not call the doctor and does not plan the weekend herself. At the same time, I myself consult with her, and in important issues we seek a compromise and find a common solution.
4. How did you become a blogger?
This is a long story, but in short – colleagues advised me to place an ad for the sale on Instagram, and a couple arrived at this ad. They bombarded me with questions about baby care, furniture, accessories for newborns. The expectant mother said that she had received comprehensive information and that I needed to give lectures. And after that I wrote my first post – a review about cribs. And so it went. Six months later, we began to cooperate with a large public for young mothers, where I conducted the column through the eyes of my father. Now “Instagram” is both a platform for communication of subscribers, and my diary of girls’ development.
5. How do you control emotions so as not to get frustrated? How are you resting?
I get distracted from my family at work and have time to miss them. But, being an emotional person, I can break down if something goes wrong. With the advent of children, it became much easier to relate to everything. I have a hobby – building a summer house, and so I have a rest. After work I can leave at 6 pm and paint the cottage until 2 am. The rest of the time is spent sleeping.
6. How do you maintain romance in your relationship with your spouse?
I confess we both get very tired. And the most romantic time is after 22:00, when the children are laid down, there is no energy for TV, we quietly drink tea, leaf through social networks and discuss our day and weekend plans. These evenings before bedtime are for me romance. I also try to fulfill the wishes of my wife in terms of rest.
7. What do you prefer – a romantic weekend with your spouse or an active trip with the whole family?
We have not yet reached the stage of parenting when we want to take a break from our children. Of course, I recall with a slight nostalgia the times when we went to the sea and lived in a bungalow with a private pool, enjoying the serenity. Now I would like to repeat it, but I’m not ready yet. Our priorities have changed dramatically, and, perhaps, this is for life. I want to do something for the children and when I go with them, I will make sure that there is a convenient entrance to the sea and a children’s area. The only exception, which is already becoming our tradition: from 8 months of life of our babies, I let my wife go on vacation for a week for her birthday and sit with my daughters myself. This is my contribution to the health of our family.
8. Super life hack for future dads?
Try to do everything in advance. Make the most of your wife’s pregnancy to read the books you need, arrange the nursery, buy everything you need. Get some sleep. Of course, it’s great to help your wife by hiring a nanny, sending her with a child to her grandmother or to the Mediterranean, but then you will never understand what the first smile, the first tooth, the first word, the first hug, the first step … now – dad!