What are boundaries in a couple and why discuss them, explains psychotherapist Esther Perel.
Two in a pair necessarily discuss the boundaries: what belongs to each of us individually, what belongs to both of us, what we are ready to share with others. Relationship building is a web of rules and roles that we begin to weave from the first date. “It always amazes me that such a small social unit of two people is such a complex social system,” notes psychotherapist and relationship specialist Esther Perel (Esther Perel). The moment two people form a couple, they agree on boundaries.
- What will be left inside the couple? What will be outside?
- What can we do alone and what can we do together?
- Will we go to bed at the same time?
- Will we have common money or separate?
- Who will we invite to visit for the New Year?
Boundaries Explicit and Implicit
The boundaries in a couple allow the couple to exist as a whole and interact with the outside world, while maintaining unity. At the same time, the boundaries of each of the partners are what maintains their individuality, allows them to develop as independent unique personalities.
Some boundaries are clearly marked, we declare them out loud — for example, publicly pronouncing wedding vows. But some boundaries are only implied, we ourselves draw restrictive lines around ourselves.
Sometimes we set them consciously, but much more often we go through trial and error. We are trying to figure out how far we can go without hurting our partner.
- Why didn’t you ask to go with you?
- I thought we would travel together?
- Why don’t you want to stay with me?
A look, a remark, a sudden silence — these are the signs that we are trying to unravel in order to understand the feelings of a partner.
At the same time, we find out what we ourselves can bear with him, and what not. Sometimes we ourselves do not know in advance where our boundaries are. But we feel when they are violated — by a vague feeling of discontent, despondency, by the desire to close, move away from the partner for a while. Sometimes we try to let him or her know that he or she did something wrong like this: we frown, turn away, sigh… We can also explain in words what is happening to us and why.
- What degree of intimacy is optimal for you as a couple?
Continue discussion
As a couple, we decide how often we will meet, talk, what we will share, and what we will keep to ourselves. We mentally go over our friends and think about how important they will be to us now that we have a partner. Another question is about the former: should I talk about them or not, and should I remain friends on Facebook? (an extremist organization banned in Russia) We outline the limits of our commonality and separation as a couple.
“Today, the definitions and expectations of togetherness are changing,” emphasizes Esther Perel. “Boundaries are not as obvious as many people think, and that’s why it’s so important to discuss them at the beginning of a relationship.” Often talking about boundaries in itself crosses the invisible personal boundary of the other, and this makes the conversation difficult. But in order for the relationship to develop successfully, it is important to still talk about boundaries.
“Boundaries are not something that can be discussed all at once,” the therapist continues. “Your personal boundaries and the boundaries of a couple can change as it develops.” It comes down to personal preference and the stage in life you’re going through. «The most successful couples change and allow themselves to discuss boundaries over and over again.»