I would like to control the behavior of my stubborn child and direct him in the right direction, but I am afraid of inadvertently undermining his spiritual strength and harming the formation of his feelings. How to deal with a child when he misbehaves, so as not to harm his self-consciousness?
It is felt that you do not have a clear understanding of the difference between the education of spirituality and the formation of the will of the child. I have already said that the concept of human spirituality refers to the child’s sense of self-respect or self-worth as an individual. Like other feelings of this kind, it remains very fragile at any age and must be handled with care. Approaching this feeling from a parent’s point of view, you correctly assumed that you could harm your child quite easily. But how? How? First of all, a mockery, a display of disrespect, a threat to deprive him of his love, talk that he is good for nothing. Anything that hurts a child’s self-esteem can undermine his spiritual strength.
However, unlike spirituality — a very fragile feeling that must be handled with care, the will and character are «made of steel.» These are the few intellectual components of the personality that are manifested in full force already at the time of the birth of the baby. In one of the latest issues of the journal Psychology Today, an editorial describes the results of research into the problems of infancy. It says: “A baby knows who he is even before he can speak and can tell us about it. He purposefully tries to control the environment, especially the behavior of his parents. This scientific conclusion is unlikely to sound like some kind of revelation for the parents of a child with character. They had already nursed him in their arms while he was very tiny, constantly listening to this ruthless dictator who, from the first cry, unequivocally expressed his desires and requirements.
Later, when he begins to learn to walk and talk, he will become so angry that he can acquire the ability to hold his breath until he loses consciousness. Any person who witnesses such a fully frank, stubborn defiance of a child will be shocked by his persistence. Recently, a three-year-old stubborn man, refusing to obey his mother’s order, declared: «You yourself know that you are only my mother!» Another “only mom” wrote to me that she had a similar confrontation with her three-year-old son: he refused to eat everything she gave him. The little one went into such a frenzy at her insistence that he refused to eat or drink anything for two whole days. He weakened, became sleepy, but steadfastly stood his ground.
Mother, of course, suffered, worried and felt guilty. In the end, in utter desperation, the father looked his son in the eye and promised convincingly that if he did not eat at dinner, he would have a good spanking. This reception of the father exhausted the conflict. The child complied. He started grabbing and stuffing everything he could get into his mouth and pretty much emptied the fridge.
Now tell me, please, why are there so few authorities in matters of child development who would recognize the existence of outright defiance in a small child? Why do scholars write so little about it? My views on this matter boil down to the recognition of the fact of childhood imperfection. They are not very consistent with the humanistic assertion that the little man is initially full of only light and kindness, and he learns the concepts of evil from those around him. To those who look at babies in such a rosy light, I can only say one thing: “Take another look!”
Returning to your question, I will say that the parental task is to shape the character and will of the child, while striving not to harm the gu.e.mi touches of his spirituality.
But how to do that? How can I shape the character and will of my nine year old son without damaging his spirituality?
You will achieve the desired results if you set reasonable boundaries in the behavior of the child, you will demand their observance, supplementing your exactingness with manifestations of love. At the same time, any actions and words from which the child can conclude that his parents do not love him should be avoided. And it is all the more dangerous to say that they didn’t want him to be born, that he burdens them, that he is stupid, ugly, stupid, and in general — he is a terrible mistake of nature. Any accusation that offends the child’s value as a human being can be very costly to him and his parents. Phrases like: «How stupid you are!», «Well, why can’t you get decent grades at school like your sister?», «You’ve been sitting in my liver since the day you were born!» — can ruin a person’s life.
I advise you to react decisively when your son takes it into his head to behave defiantly. But without shouting or offensive accusations. The child should immediately understand that your words are not at odds with the deed. Perhaps he should be spanked a little and sent to bed an hour or two earlier than usual. The next morning, you should discuss the incident on a reasonable level while reassuring the child that he is still loved. And this should be limited. Most children approaching adolescence, no matter how rebellious they may be, respond well to the manifestation of love and fair punishment. This combination works flawlessly.
My wife and I have a very stubborn daughter. It’s incredibly difficult for us to deal with it. I can honestly say that we do everything that is required of us, that is, we do the same as other parents, but our daughter constantly violates all the rules of behavior and undermines our authority. Firstly, please tell me, is it possible to make such a stubborn child smile at least sometimes, is it possible to entrust him with some business or turn to him for help? And, secondly, what is the future of my daughter? I see only misfortune ahead. How justified is such a gloomy forecast?
There can be no doubt about this matter. With such a stubborn child as your daughter, it is sometimes difficult to cope even with parents who have great parenting skills. It may take several years to bring the girl into a state of relative readiness for obedience and cooperation within the family. As long as the program of discipline and obedience is being gradually carried out, there is no need to panic. Do not try to achieve a miraculous transformation in one day. Treat your child with sincere love and respect his self-esteem. However, demand from your daughter the fulfillment of your orders and instructions. Carefully select the situations that are worth confronting. Don’t be afraid to take on your daughter’s challenge on this or that issue and try to win a decisive victory. Encourage and reward any positive action on her part, any attempt to meet halfway. Let your attention, love and praise be your reward.
Regarding the second part of the question, I must admit that if a girl is not taught discipline and obedience from an early age, she may later fall into the “high risk” category, that is, there will be a possibility of anti-social behavior in later periods of her life. Such a child most often behaves defiantly with teachers at school, tends to question the values that he is taught to recognize, and throws his fists at anyone who tries to control his behavior. I believe that such children are more prone to promiscuity and drug use, not to mention problems with school. Of course, all this can be avoided. After all, the complexity of the human personality is such that it is impossible to predict its behavior in the future with absolute accuracy. On the other hand, various dangers can be avoided with a high probability by those children whose parents actively seek to influence their character and behavior at an early age. That’s why you shouldn’t look at your daughter’s future in a bleak light. I believe that a strong-willed child like yours is usually more assertive and has a greater potential for an active life than his accommodating peers. A key factor in realizing this potential is to achieve the necessary level of control over manifestations. character and will of the child on the part of the parents, so that when the right moment comes and he leaves adolescence, to transfer this control at the disposal of the child himself.
You have described the causes of stubborn, rebellious behavior in children and how parents should deal with it. But is the child’s bad behavior due only to his desire to behave defiantly?
No. The reasons for disobedience can be very different from those that give rise to a “challenge” response. Antagonism and negativity in a child can often arise as a result of irritation, disappointment, fatigue, illness and misunderstanding. Therefore, their manifestations should be considered as warning signals to which attention should be paid. Perhaps one of the most difficult tasks facing parents is the ability to recognize the differences between individual forms of child behavior in order to understand their true meaning and causes. The behavior of the child, containing elements of resistance, always carries information for parents, which they must decipher before reacting in one way or another.
If a two-year-old baby screams and cries after being put to bed, you need to figure out what he is complaining about. If he is afraid of the dark in the room, then the correct reaction will be quite different than when the child protests simply because he does not want to go to bed. At the heart of the art of dealing with children lies, among other things, their ability to correctly interpret the meaning and background of the behavior of their children.
My five-year-old son is extremely headstrong. I try, as far as possible, to cope with my parental duties in matters of forming his character and will. But, to be honest, almost all the time I suffer from a strong feeling of some kind of guilt and inner doubt. I am in a state of depression and depression due to the constant struggle that I have to lead with my child. Do other parents with bratty children feel the same way?
Yes, many experience. One of the problems is that these parents have heard enough from various «experts» that raising children, when done right, is a very pleasant pastime. Therefore, parents begin to blame themselves for all the sins if the upbringing process does not develop as smoothly as they expected.
In your question, you managed to convey a sense of guilt and depression. It is very important. In my answer, I offer you three considerations that will help you:
- you can not assume that you are to blame for everything;
- it won’t always be so difficult;
- it is possible that you are doing much better than you think.
Do not rush to conclusions. One day your stubborn, willful child will grow into a determined, respectable, hard-working citizen whose only source of disappointment and bad temper will exist in his life — his own willful child.
Sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting to my child’s minor misbehavior, and other times I’m not able to properly respond to deliberate defiance. Please advise when it is not necessary to pay attention to the bad behavior of the child, and when it is necessary to fight back?
The ability to read the thoughts and feelings of your child is an art that can only be learned by parents who take the time to understand the behavior of their children. The key to the competent performance of parental duty lies, first of all, in the ability to put oneself in the place of a child, and in such a way that he sees the environment with his eyes and feels everything that he feels. When a child feels lonely, he needs the company of his mother or father. When stubbornness and rebelliousness flare up in him, he needs their help. When he is afraid of something, he needs to feel under the protection of adults. When something arouses his curiosity, he needs to be calmly explained to him. When he is happy, he seeks to share his fun and joy with those he loves.