«A strong woman really wants to be weak»; “a woman dreams of being behind her man like behind a stone wall”; “A woman wants a man to protect her, no matter how strong she is.” But are these statements true now? Psychologist Ilya Latypov tells what strength and weakness, protection and support mean to us today.
The man writes: “Even the strongest woman is always looking for a man who is obviously stronger than herself. In fact, women want to bend under a man. And at the same time, “stronger” does not mean richer or more socially successful.”
The woman writes: “I have many girlfriends who position themselves as strong women. At the same time, in personal conversations, they admit: they would gladly stop showing miracles of endurance if there was only a man behind whom you could be like behind a wall. Every woman wants a man to protect her, no matter how strong she is.”
I do not agree with this point of view.
What does «strong person» mean? I defined this for myself as follows: this is a person who is able to make decisions, implement them and bear responsibility for the consequences. The formula has three components: decision, action, responsibility. And these components do not have a gender. A «strong woman» in this context is no different from a «strong man».
Therefore, the statement that “strong women are looking for someone to bend under” sounds strange to me. In my understanding, a strong personality is looking for a partner, not a master, and in a partner he is looking for support, not protection. “Behind him like a stone wall” — is it about support or protection?
When a man subdues a strong woman and she becomes submissive, the goal is achieved, and interest is outlived.
It is important to clarify what «security» means and what «support» means. Who are we protecting? Those who are weaker and cannot stand up for themselves. Protecting children and women in the face of danger. Protecting the elderly… This is a noble task and very important for male self-identification. But what meaning does the word “protection” acquire in the modern world? Today, we are more often faced not with brute physical force, but with competition, and at the level of psychology. From what should a man protect a woman in such a world?
The search for protection is an urgent need when you are weak and helpless, when you are deprived of the ability to parry blows on your own. But the search for protection as a permanent state is the affirmation of helplessness and defenselessness as a fundamental position in life. Protection automatically implies the superiority of the one who protects over the one who cannot protect himself. And respect is not born from superiority. Anything but respect.
Respect is born when someone does something that we consider important and valuable, and this something makes us equal. Respect, for example, evokes courage in the face of danger. And it doesn’t matter who shows it, even a small child — he is weaker, but he does what you yourself consider valuable, and in this you are equal … Weakness does not cause respect.
Many «strong women» found a «stone wall» for themselves and gave up their strength. And here a paradox arises: after all, it was with it that they attracted the men behind whom they took refuge. Having abandoned it, they begin to lose their attractiveness. There are two more negative scenarios: the desire of a man to subjugate a strong woman — and the desire to hide behind her, to use her as a “stone wall” already herself …
When a man subdues a strong woman and she becomes submissive, the goal is achieved, and interest is outdated. When a man and a woman try to hide behind each other, interest disappears. Wherever you go, there is no interest anywhere. There is no respect either: it also implies the recognition of the value for oneself of another person as he is now.
Weak women who have chosen weakness as a life principle are protected, protected, cared for, but they are not respected.
In our world, where intelligence and resilience are more important than physical strength, support comes to the fore. What is support? This is the willingness to share your resource with another person so that he can continue to fight in a difficult moment. In war, support is help with weapons, and defense is a situation when your army is completely defeated and foreign soldiers are already defending your own lines …
Support is provided when you are sure that you can handle it. A man’s support of a woman is not to block all enemies with his chest and not to cuff them, but the opportunity to be the person to whom you can come and warm up. Hear words that inspire confidence. Make sure that the rear is securely covered and you can turn back to the world — huge, interesting and at the same time frightening. And the support of a man by a woman is also the rear, the confidence that you can lick your wounds, gain strength. And then go on your own.
“Protection is responsibility for your woman and for your family”… I think this way: responsibility for your family can be understood as awareness of oneself as the cause of ongoing processes. But how you can be responsible for another adult, sane and capable person — I can’t imagine. If I do this, I «invalidate» the other, make him helpless, insane and infantile in my mind. This is what many grab onto, demanding protection.
Women who are looking for someone who could make decisions for them, who would take responsibility for them, are ready to admit their infantility, to accept the role of a child. But in this situation, it is strange to demand self-respect from a man. I repeat once again: weakness is not respected. Weak women who have chosen weakness as a life principle are protected, protected, cared for, but they are not respected.
Men who say that “it’s because of you that everything is messed up with me” or “if it weren’t for you, everything would be different in the family,” they sign their helplessness and irresponsibility in the same way. And in the same way they lose respect from a woman. A strong person, faced with a situation that he cannot cope with himself, seeks help and support. But not for protection.
And this rule again has no gender differences.