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Negative experience undermines self-confidence, fills with fears, deprives the taste for life. How do you make painful memories an important part of your life experience?
You had an unpleasant conversation with your boss that you replay in your head over and over again. And the more often, the stronger the confidence: you failed to correctly explain your thought and ruined everything. Or you mentally return to childhood, when peers called you offensive words, and you felt like an outcast. Or you keep remembering a painful breakup with your loved one, blaming yourself. Everyone has faced such situations at least once. However, if we constantly remember these events, our life can become a continuous negative.
Threat to mental well-being
“Research shows that the deeper we sink into negativity, the more we become victims of depression and post-traumatic disorder. “Negative thinking becomes a habit, a form of internal behavior that is difficult to change,” says a psychotherapist, author of 13 Things Strong Men Never Do.1 Amy Morin. “And even if we want to look at the situation constructively, we cannot do this.”
Mental immersion in problems increases anxiety and leads to other disorders that snowball into our lives. We are seized by a false sense of our own weakness, and we seek solace in areas that, as it seems to us, distract from experiences. For example, in food, alcohol or computer games.
How to stay
Start changing your mindset. Of course, this is easy only at first glance. However, the results will not be long in coming.
It is important to learn to be aware that you are hooked on destructive memories. Awareness is the first step to taking control of the inner drama in which you are the director and performer of all roles. And the sooner you do this, the easier it will be to shift your attention to something positive.
Think about the «sore» topic from a different angle. Ask yourself the question — how what happened is reflected in the current events of life
Look at the problem differently
Think about the «sore» topic from a different angle. “Ask yourself the question – how does what happened affect the current events of life? Amy Morin says – We are often too critical or biased towards ourselves. Perhaps now you are doing well, and the past is only a shadow of your imagination. If what happened somehow changes your life in the present — think about what exactly you can change to feel better? Perhaps you need to meet people from the past and talk about what is bothering you. Regardless of how the conversation turns, this drastic step will internally help you leave the past in the past. If a meeting is impossible for some reason, a psychologist can take on the role of an interlocutor, with whom you can look at events from a different angle.”
Set a timer
Our brain needs time to process and process the flow of events that happened during the day. “Give yourself that time, like 20 minutes, to think about what really excited you today,” suggests Amy Morin. — You can set a timer that will indicate when your time is up. And when you’re done, promise yourself that, like the character Scarlett O’Hara, be sure to «think about it later.» Knowing that you will have the opportunity to return to a painful topic will subconsciously help you move away from it. And thanks to these minutes, you will be able to look at the situation from a distance.
Distract yourself
As soon as we begin to forbid ourselves to think about something, this immediately leads to the opposite result. Unconscious internal resistance makes you return to the forbidden topic.
A much better strategy is to switch to an activity that interests you. Consider this plan ahead of time. Turn on a movie you’ve been wanting to watch for a long time, read your favorite website or call a close friend, having previously chosen a topic for conversation that is mutually interesting and far from your problem. Exercise and meditation are great for relieving stress.
Focus on the present
The ability to live in the present moment also helps to part with oppressive thoughts. Train yourself to live every current moment and enjoy what is happening here and now: good weather, a conversation with a loved one, a picture of clouds in the sky, or a cup of your favorite tea. This will take time and internal effort. However, you will be rewarded with the ability to break away from the weight of the past and move forward.
1 A. Morin, «13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success», William Marrow, 2014.