We all have an idea of the ideal, whether it be relationships, society, or work organization. We need ideals, they fill our lives with meaning, says psychotherapist Dmitry Leontiev.
Can it be said that ideals make our lives better? Of course, we like to think that we have ideas about the ideal world, the ideal society, the ideal relationships that we long for in our hearts. In a word, the ideal decorates life and gives it direction, but it also imposes responsibility on us. If there is an ideal, we must work to ensure that it is realized. But the temptation is great to demand that our ideals be embodied for us by others. We know from experience that many of us are not ready to answer for anything, hoping that they will “do well.” “A spoiled child is certainly happy, but his happiness is unstable because he does not know what to do to be happy. He owes his happiness to circumstances,” explains Dmitry Leontiev. This, then, is the use of the ideal: “if we are responsible for our lives, our happiness will depend more on ourselves.” So our dialogue continued, in which we asked simple questions and received non-obvious answers to them …
Psychologies: What is an ideal?
Dmitry Leontiev Model of due. Not necessarily a goal, rather a comparison criterion. We compare the existing with the proper, the real with the desired, and, depending on this, we adjust our actions. In addition, an ideal is something that, in our deep conviction, other people can appreciate, support and share with us.
Is the ideal something unattainable?
It’s a vector, a direction. Ideals set the direction, but not the end point. Like the horizon: we go to him, and he moves away.
How do ideals arise?
Ideals form themselves simply because we live in a society. Any social group develops a collective idea of what is good and what is bad. How to and how not to. These are the ideals, it is them that we take from different groups. First in the family, then in other reference groups, small and large, up to humanity as a whole.
How to understand that I have an ideal?
Everyone has ideals, but not everyone admits this and not everyone realizes them. Some ideals involve the negation of ideals, for example, “I am a real man, I stand firmly on the ground, and all this nonsense is not for me.” Or the desire to have a lot of money is also an ideal, and not a need, as one might think.
If I feel that I have ideals, what gives me this feeling?
Support point. The ability not to go with the flow, to be less dependent on the situation, not to obey external stimuli. However, in addition to the ideal, “moral muscles” are also needed, as the philosopher Merab Mamardashvili called them.
Do ideals change throughout life?
Ideals are quite stable, and if they collapse, this is a tangible and painful process. Such crises, of course, happen, but not every month. For example, someone believes in eternal love, but over time becomes convinced that it does not exist. As a result of the crisis, ideals can change. But we must understand that the dialogue between people who have different life values is difficult. On the other hand, all international relations are based on this, diplomats and politicians are looking for ways to negotiate.
What about personal relationships? Can we be close to those who have different ideals?
“The ideal is a fulcrum, it gives me the opportunity to be independent of the external situation, not to go with the flow, not to obey the circumstances”
Close people cannot have different ideals. It is the similarity of ideals that unites us into groups and opposes us to other communities. Other values may emerge as the person moves out of the group. For example, as children grow up, they begin to be included in other social groups, and their ideals are transformed: they try to define themselves, oppose and compare other values with those that have weight in the family, and look for their own path. As a result, they can find something of their own, prefer parental values, and find a compromise.
What is the danger of ideals?
There is a risk that for the sake of the ideal we will abandon reality. It often appears so dreary and repulsive that we turn away from it and fall into the serious trap of idealization, risking our sanity. Healthy personal development is the realization of the real “I”. But the neurotic “I” can also be realized: not what we really are, but what we would like to be. Departure into the space of ideals makes impossible the most important thing – to pave the way from the current imperfect reality to what one would like to receive.
That is, the task is to connect the ideal and reality?
Undoubtedly. Many problems of our society and culture are connected with the opposition of the ideal and reality. We are strong in forming ideals, but weak in paving the way for them. Here is an acquaintance talking about his present, about how bad, dull, hopeless everything is, but suddenly his face clears up, a fire lights up in his eyes – “But when I think about what will happen in ten years, I want to live right away!” It seems that he has an ideal, but he has nothing to do with what he has at the moment. His ideal is another, separate life. But one cannot assume that ideals are realized by themselves. We need a way to get what we want. The idea of ”pike” seemed to be a very powerful element of our mentality, as well as the attitude of “sitting on the stove for thirty years and three years.” In the 1960s, scientists studied how the folklore of various countries correlated with their economic success. It turned out that the connection is very clear: in those countries where children read books that motivate them to achieve, economic recovery began in 10-20 years. These are not necessarily fairy tales: the book “The Lord of the Rings”, for example, is also very useful for the development of the child. There are many amazing existential discoveries and insights in it. One of the main ones is that there is no direct connection between good intentions and good deeds, and between evil intentions and evil deeds. Good intentions do not necessarily lead to good and vice versa. You remember that it was not Frodo who destroyed the Ring of Omnipotence…
How to pave the way to the ideal?
Change your attitude to reality, stop opposing it to the ideal. Realize that only by transforming reality can one get closer to the ideal. Each person can get out of an environment dominated by values that are not close to him. Getting into different social groups with different ideals, he can choose for himself what he likes. To start, for example, to study well, despite the fact that this is not accepted in the family or close circle of peers …
Doesn’t it become annoying with time that the ideal is not feasible?
You have to learn to enjoy the process. Life is a process, and all the charm is in the process, and not at the end point, because this point is the same for everyone. It’s even better if she moves back a little longer.