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Nobody likes restrictions. But when they are not there, the child does not feel free or protected. After all, a world in which there are no rules is like a jungle where anything can happen. How to understand when parents need to insist on their own and call for order, and when you can give in and agree with the child?
Some adults are afraid to contradict their children, confusing authoritarianism with the necessary authority, and indulge them in everything. Others insist on strict discipline and the fulfillment of all requirements. Between these extremes there is a golden mean — parental dominance, but not from a position of superiority, but from a position of loving kindness: “I respect your wishes. I respect your emotions. But now we will do as I have decided, because I believe that it will be right.”
How do parents know when to show power and pressure, and when to give in to a child?
“It is important that all the basic needs of the child are met”
Anna Bykova, child psychologist
This is a very common question I get asked in consultations. In response, I draw a pyramid of human needs. A child is also a person — there is no doubt about that? Therefore, his needs are also lined up in a pyramid from the lowest to the highest.
At the very bottom are physiological needs. Then there is the need for security. Above is the need for love. Even higher is the need for respect, self-respect, knowledge and development. All these needs are not randomly arranged in a pyramid: psychologists have noticed a hierarchical pattern. Needs of a higher order become relevant when the basic needs, those below, are satisfied.
A child who wants to go to the toilet very badly cannot concentrate on the topic of the lesson. Only when the physiological need is satisfied will his attention return to learning. The priority of physiological needs is usually recognized by parents. More often you can hear from them: «Go eat quickly, and then for the lessons.» Much less often: «Until you learn the paragraph, I will not feed.»
It would be nice not to forget about the priority of the need for security and love. The first-grader has closed himself in the toilet and screams from there that he will not go to school. If it just closed, then it’s understandable — physiological needs, but the statement “I won’t go to school!” turns the action into a protest action. What to do? Promise that dad will now remove the door from its hinges and deliver the rebel to school by force? Or try to calmly reason, explain that you can’t skip school?
To make a decision, check the child’s condition with the pyramid of needs. Sat? Healthy? Bodr? And does he feel loved?
Before talking about duty, responsibility and obligations, it is necessary to check at what level of the pyramid of needs the protesting child is. Talking about responsibility and conscience starts with the level of respect and self-respect. Are the needs for safety and love closed? Is there active bullying in class? Is the child being bullied at school? Does he feel accepted in the team? Are you confident in the love of loved ones?
Another example. The child cries, says that he will not do the math assignment. Let him not do it or insist that six more examples of subtraction in a column are very important and must be done? Push or give in?
To make a decision, check the child’s condition with the pyramid of needs. Headache, overwork — give in. Sat? Healthy? Bodr? And does he feel loved? Filled with warm communication with loved ones?
Mom was on a business trip for two weeks, just returned. I missed you, I want to talk with my mother, and then subtraction with a column … Press? Set an ultimatum: “I won’t talk to you until you decide!” Or how? It is more logical to hug, and then help with examples.
The day was unsuccessful. A series of incidents, and he, the child, is to blame. He didn’t do it on purpose, he didn’t want to, but things broke. All day frustration, deprivation, punishment, reproaches. There were so many of them that it began to seem to the child that they did not like him. And then there are the hateful examples that don’t work out in any way … “Ahh! I feel so bad!» Regret, make up for the lack of love.
If you are sure that all basic needs are covered and the child is simply shirking lessons in the direction of a more interesting pastime in the company of a tablet, then you can put pressure on it. And even put an ultimatum: «You will receive a tablet after you complete the task.»