Why do some people recover from trials better than others? What role does education and physiology play in this process? The answer is Nadezhda Vladislavova, a psychologist with experience in “hot spots”, in the combat zone.
Psychologies: You’ve worked in hot spots, and you’re familiar with sustainability issues.
Nadezhda Vladislavova: Yes, I worked in the war zone in Chechnya in the Doctors of the World organization. She was engaged in the rehabilitation of the population in the war and post-war period. And I saw how hard it was for many, and not only for the participants in the events, but also for some colleagues: they are excellent specialists in civilian life, but the military situation turns out to be unbearable for them.
They react differently, sometimes they refuse to go to a point they consider dangerous, they cry, they say that their life is more valuable than someone else’s … I did not think that military experience would still be useful to me, but now the situation is reminiscent of a military one. Exactly so, not post-war, because the event is still going on: the quarantine is over, but “a ghost is haunting Europe.”
What determines our reaction?
NV: Resilience to stress is developed in childhood, when our model of the world takes shape. Much depends on how parents teach their children to deal with stress. There are two incorrect behaviors.
The first is to say “your hands don’t grow from there, you’re clumsy” or “you’re frail, you can’t cope” and compare: “Kostya is like that, but you are not like that.” The second – “don’t, don’t go in, mom will do everything herself.” And the child, growing up, learns to fall into a stupor in a stressful situation: I can’t do anything, let someone else do it for me.
And what behavior of parents will help?
NV: When a child has to do something, first, ask him a question: “Do you want to do it yourself or will we try to do it together?” Secondly, if you helped him, even if you did almost everything yourself, tell him: “We worked hard, you tried and it worked out.” For a child, tying shoelaces for the first time is also stressful. Support him in this situation.
Seems easy! But not everyone succeeds.
NV: Parenthood begins with the role of “nursing mother”, in which the father may also be. And parents in this role sometimes get stuck and try to “feed” when it’s time to provide emotional support to the child. That is, to help him realize his emotions: “I understand that you are sad, you feel offended, I would also be offended by this.” This is extremely useful for teenagers who are often ashamed to admit their feelings, they pretend that everything is cool with them, even when it is not so at all.
The second part of the support is not only to guess the feelings of the child, but also to indicate your presence: “How angry I am with this girlfriend of yours that she behaved like that!” These are the two parts of empathy: “This is what is happening to you, and this is what is happening to me.” And then the person realizes that he is not alone.
Receiving support from a stronger one, he learns to survive stress. And the next stressful situation will be different.
Humor is a great thing, it allows us to step back, pull ourselves out of a situation where we are stuck, and return to it with renewed vigor.
Will adults also benefit from support?
NV: Certainly. I have a friend, Inga, she is a dentist, and she has very different patients, and workers from the fish factory, and ministers. She says: “I have a man in full view, all social masks fly off, he honestly says what he wants, what he is afraid of.” The dentist’s chair is a stressful situation, and it is important to have a kind doctor nearby who will tell you in order what will happen and help you believe that everything will be fine.
So a person receives parting words not only about the current situation, but also for later. And if someone callous, cold turned out to be next to us in stress, the information is imprinted in us that “the world is indifferent”, then further stressful situations will be more difficult to live.
Can we help ourselves?
NV: Yes, if we create favorable conditions, we will surround ourselves with positive people. A survey was conducted in the USA, and it turned out that all business leaders have three common features: they all meditated, kept a self-development diary and they had a mentor: a psychologist, a coach, a coach, a senior friend. If he is not in the immediate environment, it is worth looking in social networks, through Google. To set such a goal: to find a person who is “always for me.” Who will support, share practices.
It is worth choosing the right movies, music, books. It is clear that the crisis is not the time for Andrei Zvyagintsev’s Leviathan or Oliver Stone’s Platoon, no matter how good these films are. But humor is a great thing, it allows us to step back, pull ourselves out of the situation where we are stuck, and return to it with renewed vigor. There is a case when a cancer patient watched comedies for a month in a row – and the tumor disappeared.
Even if we adore Mozart, in a crisis it is better to listen not to the Requiem, but to the Magic Flute. Something life-affirming is needed so that the external resonates with the positive inside of us and we can compare our actions with this tuning fork
Stress pushes us to the limit. And it’s useful when combined with rest periods.
Is this our chance to get out of stress without loss?
NV: Even with purchases! Stress is energy and you can use it as a resource. It all depends on whether we know about it. What happens with stress? Breathing and heart rate increase, blood carries oxygen to the organs. But if we say to ourselves: “Stress is dangerous!”, the vessels constrict in response. The body presses on the gas and on the brake at the same time, the system wears out.
But if the heart works, and the vessels are relaxed, this corresponds to a state of joy and courage, as in Blok: “I recognize you, life! I accept! And I greet with the ringing of the shield! And our job is to relax the blood vessels and allow the body to help us.
But how to manage the vessels?
NV: A universal remedy for lowering blood pressure, for depression and addiction, in working with any disorders is meditation. The brain is in three states: the consumption of information, orientation and – sleep or meditation. And most of all the brain is busy in this third state. This is where eureka happens, we are visited by ideas and insights.
Meditation helps to consciously enter this state. 20 minutes twice a day – a vacation from restless thoughts. And we begin to perceive reality in a different way, consciousness becomes like a smooth surface of a lake in which everything is reflected without distortion. And if we adequately reflect reality, then the reaction will be adequate. Stress can even rejuvenate.
It is hard to believe!
NV: But it’s true. Old age begins when we avoid effort and discomfort. And stress pushes us to the limit. And this is useful when combined with periods of rest. Recall the movie “Patriot”: the hero of Mel Gibson is a widower, he does not want to fight, but when the war comes to the house, he transforms, becomes a jaguar warrior and at the same time marries, so much younger as a result.
The crisis pushes us into each other’s arms, organizes cooperation. And when we accept or give help, our motivational systems reward us with the happiness hormone oxytocin. So the crisis is a point of growth, renewal of abilities, values and, at the same time, physiology. If we consciously follow this path, then trials work for us, not against us.
About the expert:
Nadezhda Vladislavova – Head of the European Training Center “Coast of Power”, host of training programs, speaker, author of six books, including “Psychological Counseling. We help build relationships with life” (AST, 2019).