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Summer, heat, short skirts, bare shoulders … And the unceremonious behavior of some men. Some allow themselves to whistle after the girl they like, others release greasy compliments. How to be: keep silent or answer?
Whistling, hooting and other rude flirting in women cause irritation at best, fear and shame at worst. “It is worth putting on a T-shirt, and someone on the street will definitely comment on the size of my breasts,” complains 27-year-old Polina. – It’s embarrassing and embarrassing. But what should I do, do not walk in the heat in a jacket!
Sexually suggestive comments, car horns, vulgar gestures, attempts to touch… Harassment in various forms is not uncommon. There is no exact data for Russia, but it is unlikely that our figures are very different from the US: 65% of women in the US are regularly harassed on the street1.
And it’s not just rudeness and lack of education, advocates of women’s rights insist, but a form of psychological abuse that causes harm and violates privacy. Men should take this into account, whether they agree with it or not.
Faster, higher, bolder
“By whistling after the girl, I express my admiration and do not want to offend her at all,” says 25-year-old Ilya. The reasons why men behave this way are varied. Someone is not confident in himself and thus tries to impress. Someone thinks that he can find a woman interested in raw passion. For some, this is an attempt to make contact and attract attention, albeit negative.
“Inadequate self-esteem is one of the main causes of street harassment,” says clinical psychologist Elena Tukhareli. – Overestimated, when a man thinks that a girl will come running, as soon as he whistles, or underestimated: when a man tries to assert himself, fearing to enter into a dialogue on an equal footing.
As a rule, street harassment flourishes in companies: in a “flock” deciding to shout or vulgar comment is not as scary as one. According to experts, such mechanisms of behavior are especially typical for teenagers and young men – they feel more courageous in companies. To this is added the desire to demonstrate oneself, one’s impudence in front of friends, which at the same time has both an element of competition (to show who is faster, cooler and louder), and an element of support.
How to respond to harassment
Respond to such a manifestation of attention or not?
“If you don’t want to get involved in this ‘game’, you have every right to ignore what is happening,” says Elena Tukhareli. “The lack of a visible reaction suggests that you do not even allow the thought that this concerns you.”
It can be dangerous to get into an argument, especially on a deserted street. If you’ve shown that you’ve been offended by street smut, bullies may take it as a sign of weakness and try to move on to more action.
It should also be taken into account that on the world map and in Russia there are places where, due to the peculiarities of everyday culture, such behavior is considered simply a manifestation of male attention. Trying to correct this custom within a single situation would be to overestimate your capabilities.
In the event that you want to stand up for yourself and answer, it is better to start the dialogue by marking your own boundaries. “If you say that you have no desire to get to know anyone, or report that such flirting does not encourage further communication, you mark your boundaries,” explains psychoanalytic psychotherapist Alexander Danilov. “And if you throw a sharp “Fuck off, jerk,” then you attack strangers. And then the likelihood of conflict increases dramatically.”
“You Wanted Attention”
Most girls and women want to please both themselves and others. We take care of ourselves and love to dress beautifully. Are we looking for attention? Of course, because clothes are a way of self-expression.
Do we want to be interested in us? Yes, but we can expect him to be polite and respectful. Whatever we wear, a black turtleneck or a low-cut t-shirt, is not a guide to action.
However, it is possible that some enjoy interest of any kind: “I’ve been noticed, I’m good.” In any case, before responding to such signs of attention, evaluate how safe the situation is.
How to maintain dignity
How not to feel humiliated if you become the object of street harassment? First of all, don’t blame yourself for what happened.
“Such behavior does not speak about your “badness” or accessibility, but about the level of upbringing of the attackers,” Elena Tukhareli reassures. Yes, there are situations over which we have no control, and there are rude, tactless people who communicate in a way that they understand. Their behavior is their area of responsibility. Yours is how you set yourself up in such situations and whether you allow what is happening to affect your self-esteem.
Another way to feel better is preventive. “In advance, in a calm atmosphere, play situations in your head in which they say something unpleasant to you, and think about what answers will allow you to maintain self-esteem,” advises Alexander Danilov. “Prefabricated lines under stressful circumstances will help you act more boldly and confidently.”
know the enemy by name
Names help us recognize things. With their help, we learn that others have had similar experiences. Many types of aggression have no names in Russian, and we resort to English.
Catcolling (English cat – “cat”, catcall – “booing”) Rude statements, whistling, smacking, attempts to call a woman like a cat (“kit-kit-kit”), greasy compliments. In a broad sense – any form of harassment in public space.
Ascension (eng. upskirt – “raised skirt”) Photo or video filming of a woman’s body from below, made without her knowledge and permission. Most often this happens in transport, in shopping centers, in fitting rooms, on the escalator. The result is used later for sexual arousal. The Russian equivalent is “light”.
Sextorshen (English sextortion – “sexual extortion”) An attempt not only to achieve sexual attention, but to receive it in exchange for any favor or service. A kind of demand for a bribe, but not money. In this case, we are not talking about two equal persons: one of them must be endowed with a certain power.
body shaming (eng. body – “body”, shame – “shame”) Harassment of those who do not fit into the generally accepted standards of beauty. Too skinny, too fat, too tall, too short. Body shaming is usually opposed to body positivity – the movement for accepting one’s own and other people’s bodies as they are.
Frotterism, or frottage (French frottage – “rubbing”) In a situation where there is crowding and crush in a crowd or transport, frotters rub against the body of another, sitting next to them, touching their hips or clinging from behind, taking advantage of the fact that it is difficult to move away from them. And thus get sexual satisfaction.
Mansplaining (English man – “man”, explaining – “explanation”) The manner of talking down to a woman, based on the assumption that a man knows everything better only on the basis that he is a man. The experience and real knowledge of the interlocutor are not taken into account, prejudice is built only on her gender.
slut shaming (English slut – “girl of easy virtue”, shame – “shame”) Condemnation of a woman for allegedly defiant behavior or appearance. Often it is experienced by those who do not hide their sexuality and practice one-night stands, change partners, or wear tight dresses.
Victimbleming (English victim – “victim”, blame – “blame”) A situation in which others, instead of condemning the criminal, try to find an excuse for him, arguing that the victim herself is to blame for what happened to her: she provoked, behaved “wrong”, was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“They are not from evil”
Is it possible that men really do not want anything bad, joyfully hooting after us?
“Indeed, someone gets used to the role of a “bad guy”, imitating the behavior of a group of peers or obeying the stereotype that it is easier for such characters to get to know a girl, Elena Tukhareli agrees. – And not everyone knows how to behave, care and compliment. But then you need to learn this and remember that successful communication is not one technique, but a sum of skills, including the ability to predict a reaction.”
If a man’s goal is to compliment a stranger, he should categorically reject the idea of scaring or embarrassing her and make sure that his remarks are sincere and respectful. These two conditions are obligatory, and you can improve in the art of giving compliments endlessly.
1. stopstreetharassment.org