Many of us are not in a hurry to solve the accumulated difficulties and live by the principle of Scarlett O’Hara: «I’ll think about it tomorrow.» Running away from life’s troubles is easier than facing them face to face. But only by realizing and accepting the pain from which you wanted to hide, you can become stronger, feel real life and fill it with happiness.
It seemed like it happened all of a sudden and took me by surprise. But it’s not. After a couple of days, I realized: everything can be predicted, if not so masterly to ignore the reasons. Then there will be no terrible fear that I can no longer breathe, and the feeling that the Indians are attacking from all sides, and the pulse will not beat as if it were going to get off at this stop. Panic attacks are a thing to come, as the brilliant Carlson would say.
The fact that it was just a panic attack, I realized after I came to my senses. Thanks to psychosomatics, which in my case was of the “for dummies” level, even I was able to decipher the feeling of suffocation. The fear of suffocation is generally one of the most powerful, and panic attacks, apparently, know all the moves and exits and do not particularly bother.
But let the doctors deal with them, I was interested in something else. A few days before this severe panic attack, the hydrometeorological center inside me was threatened by a powerful cyclone. I knew it, moreover, I knew the true reasons. I was facing a very real and serious health problem. But I felt so good in my pre-holiday mood, followed by the delicious laziness of the holidays, in my bold dreams and plans, that I didn’t want to think or talk about it.
It is impossible to ignore the fear, the pain of existence that is in each of us.
Further more. When the problem was finally confirmed, I firmly decided not to lower my nose, hands and other parts of the body that betray fear. Once, not now. I so wanted to keep the problem in the shadows that even with loved ones I spoke it casually.
This nocturnal feeling of suffocation was most eloquent of all. Staying silent to the point where it is no longer possible to breathe is, alas, my style. It is truly scary to be alone with yourself in a time of despair and impotence. We are ready to give out a first-class sprint at the slightest opportunity to face our weakness. It is unbearable for us to stay in this. We muffle the pain with social networks, empty chatter, we zombify ourselves with positive affirmations with one goal — to escape away from the need to be in this.
And while we naively think how we cunningly dodged, the unspoken words, and indeed the denial of ourselves in despair and sadness, seem to be locked inside a well-heated bath. That part of us that especially needs support and compassion is burned to the ground, if only not to feel, if only not to feel … And there comes a moment when only ashes remain inside, and this whole bath complex flares up and flies to hell. That’s when we lie at night, clutching at the heart and measuring the pressure.
I feel again and again how dangerous and cruel this is to myself. It’s like loving the right foot, and the left all the time to beat off the toes with thresholds. It is impossible to ignore the fear, the pain of existence that is in each of us.
Although no, it is very possible, we often see it. Over time, this comes out of a person in a different form — in the form of completely atrophied empathy. This, you know, when «a loved one feels bad, I always think about how to help him and I’m very worried.» But I say out loud: “Oh, horror, this is happening in the world, it’s scary to live. Most importantly, don’t worry yourself. What are we talking about? So, I bought excellent shoes for myself at a sale … ”When you stop feeling your pain, the pain of others becomes only an unpleasant and intrusive fly, which you should get rid of as soon as possible so that you don’t spoil a pleasant dinner.
Acceptance of one’s weak, vulnerable state is a trait of strong-willed people. After all, this is much more difficult than trying to hide behind grievances, manipulation of the feelings of loved ones, demonstrative fainting and other tricks that are used by those who have learned to avoid solving problems.
This is absolutely incredible courage. Do not hide your head in the sand or the refrigerator, do not let fear and tension look for cracks and flow out of them (yell at children for no reason, try to control everything, know everything in advance, always feel bad and without fail tell everyone you meet about it). And to take and strangle for a while the unicorn that promises to make life pink — today is not his day, but the day of the black horse, and we accept it.
Finding the strength to be with you when it’s bad is a feat that will not be praised.
Scream if it hurts a lot. Cry in the middle of the street, if you really need to. Honestly, what I want most now is not to feel anything, but to stay and feel. Do not drive thoughts like rain clouds, but open your face to them — today it is raining on our street, so let it whip with all your might. Accept yourself in moments of endless longing from the realization that not everything can be shared with family and friends, in some ways you will have to be left alone.
Finding the strength in yourself to be with you when it’s bad is a feat for which no one will praise. No one but us will even know what demons we sat down at the negotiating table with. Such cases are resolved only one on one: you and your loneliness inside. But only by accepting these rules of the game, we automatically win.
It is on these ruins, full of pain of awareness of the irreversibility of life itself, from which we decided not to run away this time, that true strength is born. It gives you the opportunity to stand up and move forward. It helps to sharply feel life, does not cloud the mind with the temptation to be superficial. And, most surprisingly, it is she who charges us with true love for life and makes us happy. Real deep feelings are different. Allowing ourselves to live through the most difficult of them, we open the way for those that will fill life with joy.
And it’s always a matter of choice. Run, hide from inner pain, be it in fear of death, an unhappy marriage, or the poverty of your own life. Or one day stop hiding. Take yourself by the hand and step into the darkness, so that in time you will come out of there in an embrace with a unicorn.