You are relaxing with friends in a cafe, and someone’s children run and squeal between the tables. Or: a friend of your child came to visit you and behaves inappropriately. What do you do in such situations and what do your reactions say about yourself? Let’s consider three situations.
Ill-bred children piss us off. But what can be done about it? Do we have the right to influence them? And what should we do when faced with the behavior of an outsider child that is unacceptable for us – to intervene (and thereby create a conflict situation) or to stay on the sidelines and silently accumulate irritation in ourselves?
We chose three typical situations and asked Psychologies expert and columnist Ilona Bonivell and child psychologist Claire Halsey to comment on them. Their points of view do not always coincide, but this is what is interesting.
The 1 situation
You settled down in your favorite place in the park with a book or sunbathing on the beach, and right next to it a company of children started playing football. The ball continually flies in your direction, whipping up the sand or touching your legs. What to do?
“Talk to your parents,” suggests Ilona Bonivell. – It is important to do it calmly, without aggression. Tell me that it is difficult for you to read and relax in such noise, could they at least do something to help you? Try to take the parental side, show that you are their ally, then they will not perceive your requests as an attack, as a threat. If there are no adults around, talk to the children themselves. Tell them something like “It’s great that you’re having such fun, but when sand (ball) flies at me, then I’m not at all fun. What do you think about it?
Claire Halsey is more circumspect: “I would silently move to another part of the beach or park, because I see that any attempt to forbid children from playing or limit their territory will inevitably provoke a conflict with them or with their parents. Such situations are unpredictable. The reality is that we too painfully perceive not only criticism, but also any remarks by strangers against our child.
Before you do anything, listen to yourself. You already see in advance in relation to other people’s children to you insolence and neglect, don’t you? But, you see, it is difficult to assume that they deliberately direct the ball in your direction with the aim of hitting you. Most likely, they just do not have good ball control. “Besides, each of us has our own sense of personal space,” recalls Claire Halsey. – Imagine that these children played football here yesterday and a week ago, then it turns out that it was you who invaded their territory. Look at the situation from different angles and you will feel less hurt.”
The 2 situation
Your 14-year-old son’s friend is rather cheeky when he comes to your house and never says “thank you” for treats. And recently you took him to a restaurant where he ordered an expensive steak and, after swallowing a couple of pieces, pushed the dish away. You dream of telling him everything you think about him, but you are afraid to put your son in an uncomfortable position.
“At home, it’s easier to resolve the situation – you can always refer to the house rules,” says Halsey. – Be at the same time friendly and cheerful: “Wait, wait, you are very rude. We don’t talk like that in our house!” Then, when you’re alone with your son, explain to him, “I don’t mind having your friend at our house, but I don’t want him to behave like that.” Ask him how he thinks you could fix the issue.”
Ilona Bonivell offers a great tactic for the restaurant situation. “I would not let a teenager choose whatever he wants, but would stipulate the amount that he can count on when placing an order. And this limit cannot be exceeded. Only and everything! Voice all the restrictions in advance, this is an effective way to get rid of many conflicts with teenagers, ”the psychologist is sure.
The 3 situation
You often spend holidays with your son in the house you share with your brother and his 10-year-old daughter. When a girl is in a bad mood, she ignores everything you ask her to. You make a list of responsibilities for each family member, but she only does what she likes. One day you lost your patience and yelled at her. The brother, who is too soft with his daughter, asks to be more indulgent towards her.
“Try not to lose patience,” advises Ilona Bonivell, “but still the girl is a member of your family, so show her that you are upset, that there is something in her behavior that worries you. By doing so, you are conveying a very important message to your niece. After all, if her parents put up with her behavior and you accept it too, then it is acceptable for everyone, that’s the problem. Making it clear that you do not like the current situation, you make the girl think about whether she is right.
“Let your niece take charge of her own responsibilities,” Claire recommends to Halsia. Ask her what kind of work she likes to do. And find a way to reward her for completing tasks. Try not to take her rudeness to heart. Think about how you would react to such adult behavior. Ask her why she is in a bad mood and is there anything you can do to help her? Show sympathy and if you see that your participation is not required now, just leave her alone and switch to other things.
Intervene or leave the situation as it is?
“When I encounter the rudeness or whims of some unfamiliar child, I always tense up,” Claire Halsey admits. – Why? Yes, because I feel in this a threat to my values and my authority. Children’s arrogance and boorish antics are especially alarming for parents raising a child of the same age.
Ilona Bonivell notes that our anger is a normal reaction in such a case. As adults, we feel obligated to intervene, but many are afraid to do so.
“In Britain, there is an iron rule: do not interfere in other people’s business. To make a remark to someone means to infringe on his rights, even if it is about a child, – explains Ilona Bonivell. “And so the British feel powerless and usually have to put up with such a situation. In France, things are a little different. There, the upbringing of children is seen rather as a common cause, the French have the concept of collective responsibility. There, an adult, noticing the unacceptable behavior of the child, is likely to intervene. And I myself don’t see the harm in sometimes participating in the upbringing of another child, as I do with my own. Of course, I can’t punish someone else’s child, but I can express my opinion to him.”