Straightforward: How to Discuss Problems in Bed with Your Partner

A big difference

We don’t want to admit that there are problems in our bed. Everyone is alive and well – so everything seems to be fine. And here lies one of the reasons for dissatisfaction with each other: we do not talk, we are afraid to offend the other, to be misunderstood and unheard.

Dissatisfaction accumulates, spills out in the form of small and large domestic conflicts, and the mutual desire to give affection fades away. But why, in principle, can there be problems in bed?

Sexual constitution

Banal and eternal truth: we are all different. Many parameters are inherent in a person from birth, including the sexual constitution, that is, the level of sexual appetites. A strong sexual constitution is the case when a person needs sex every day, or even 3-4 times a day, an average sexual constitution is 3-4 times a week, and a weak one is 1-2 times a month.

This does not mean that one of us is bad and the other is good, just as the color of the hair or the shape of the eyes do not characterize us. But if two people with polar constitutions (strong and weak) create a couple, most likely the needs of one of the partners will remain unsatisfied, and conflict will brew in the relationship. Both will suffer, since one is not enough sex, and the other does not understand this need, because once a month is enough for him.

As practice shows, fewer conflicts on the topic of sexual dissatisfaction arise in pairs of people with the same or adjacent constitutions (medium and weak, medium and strong).

Special Relationship Scenarios

Some scenarios of relationships in a couple provoke problems in sex. We are talking about relationships in which a couple lives according to the “mother-son” scenario (control by a woman, selfless care for a man, infantilism and dependence of the latter) or according to the “father-daughter” scenario (the desire to protect and control a woman on the part of a man, complete responsibility for her, treating her like a little silly girl).

The peculiarity of these relationships is that, with apparent well-being, the desire in a couple gradually fades away, and after that sex disappears altogether. Because sexual desire within a couple whose relationship is built on the principle of “parent-child” is unnatural.

limiting childhood beliefs

Of great importance are prejudices about sex, laid down in childhood. If there is a feeling that sex is dirty, shameful, and in general, intercourse should happen only for the sake of procreation, the reason for this usually lies in children’s attitudes. You have nothing to do with it, you were brought up that way, but you can and should work with it.

After all, if the brain perceives sex as something bad or unworthy, it will not allow you to desire it, open up to your partner in it, receive and give pleasure. And, of course, this is one of the significant causes of problems in bed.

Lack of personal time and space in a couple

A partner who is completely devoted to family care and does not think about himself does not want sex. A baby, cleaning, cooking, problems at work – and now a person is so oppressed by life itself that he cannot think about any pleasures. You need personal space for yourself, and this must be negotiated with a partner.

Conflicts and insults

Accumulated grievances, recurrent conflicts, chronic fatigue only increase the snowball of discontent and, of course, do not contribute to harmony in bed. It is important to understand: you can work with all problems, each of them is solvable. You can start with an open (and calm!) discussion of intimate issues with a partner.

Why is it so difficult to speak?

The inability to speak with a partner works according to the domino principle: problems with sleep and health begin, aggression appears, self-esteem falls. A feeling of “they don’t like me”, reproaches, conflicts, hatred develops. In order not to lead to a break, it is important to solve the problem as a whole and as early as possible: to talk about it, and not accumulate discontent.

But why is it so difficult to start a conversation about sex?

• In this situation, the same limiting beliefs from childhood work: shame and fear of rejection. But what if the partner gets angry, offended and completely closes when the problem is voiced?
• Perhaps you have not been taught to calmly communicate information, or it is not customary for your couple to discuss problems in an environmentally friendly way. It is important to state everything without accusations. If you build a conversation correctly, then there will be no wave of negative emotions.
• Another point: you yourself may not know what you want. You have not known your body, there are complexes about your appearance, or you are simply not familiar with your erogenous zones. Because of this, you do not understand what exactly you want, so you do not know what needs to be changed in sex.

What to do?

How to properly discuss intimate matters

The best way is to talk to your partner “on the coast”, that is, at the beginning of a relationship or married life. It would be nice to agree on the following: we will share our desires and discuss them calmly, because we are constantly changing, but we want to be together and enjoy each other.

You need to start such a conversation with a gentle appeal to your partner and physically express your love – hug, put your hand on your knee, for example. Perhaps he has an internal block to such conversations, but this approach should eventually change his attitude towards the free discussion of any problems.

In order to build a productive conversation about current issues, follow the rules:

• Choose the right moment. It is important that both are relaxed and in a good mood.
• Speak in a calm tone, make eye contact. You can hug, physically express your tenderness for a partner.
• Build a conversation using the “I-messages” method, clearly expressing your feelings without moving on to a negative assessment of your partner.

The best way to start a conversation is positive: “Darling, we have wonderful sex (this phrase relieves tension and alertness of the interlocutor). And I want to make it even better. I have always been shy and afraid to tell you that I would like this and that…” Or: “Do you like it when I do this and that? I want to study you and find out how you feel more comfortable … “.

If you feel afraid to continue the conversation, be direct about it. It works great: “It’s hard for me to talk about it, help me”, “I’m afraid that you will reject me, but it’s important for me to say it. I would love it if you… so I would get even more pleasure and excitement.”

Try to control the intonation, tone of voice and the message of your phrases. It is necessary to form a positive image of such conversations, then over time, talking about sex will become as easy and pleasant as discussing other common matters.

And one more important point: when you explained what exactly you would like to change, and the partner tried to do it, be sure to encourage him. Even if it didn’t turn out quite what you would like, it’s important to demonstrate your pleasure here in order to stimulate him to move further in this direction. And after sex, it will be useful to talk about how great everything was, and thank you.

The skill of talking about problems is an important skill on which the quality of your life depends. And the key word here is “skill”, because this is an acquired property, it is possible and important to learn this. Love each other day and night.