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Why are today’s schoolchildren so changing and how to teach children to sort things out peacefully? To educate kindness means to teach a child to actively empathize with another, not to avoid conflicts, but to be able to listen and defend what he considers fair.
It seems that the feeling of kindness has left the school walls today, replaced by the laws of the jungle. Sad cases of humiliation and beatings happened, of course, before. But today, school psychologists, child psychotherapists and teachers say that ridicule, swearing and rudeness are becoming the norm not only in communication between students, but also between children and adults. This was openly discussed after the TV series “School”*. Opinions were divided: some claimed that everything that happened on the screen was familiar to them, others refused to believe it. What is really going on in schools?
Defensive aggression
40% of Moscow teenagers say that they (at least once) were ridiculed in front of the class, 26% know what it means to be humiliated by classmates or a teacher, 6% were beaten at school**. “They call names, push, humiliate, spoil personal things, as a rule, those children who are somehow different from others, from the standards accepted in the children’s group,” says school psychologist Tatyana Bednik. Even small children behave extremely rudely and cruelly. 42% of parents of boys and girls aged 4-12 regularly observed the cruel behavior of their children’s peers***. Another 23% remember isolated cases of aggression, 10% of parents say that sometimes their own child behaves this way. And only 24% have never experienced child abuse. How could this happen? “Too many children today feel completely defenseless,” Tatyana Bednik regrets. — They live in an unstable time and in an unstable family (parents’ divorce, adults’ fear of losing their jobs, financial difficulties in the family …). The school, more precisely, the continuous changes in the system of its requirements make children even more insecure. And they are protected from everyone and everything at once. They defend themselves the best they can.”
“Not only children, but also teachers feel uncomfortable in the face of disrespectful, and sometimes even aggressive attitude from colleagues and administration,” says existential psychologist Natalya Dyatko. “It’s hard to show empathy for a child if you don’t feel safe yourself.” How to put an end to mutual aggression? “The first condition is absolute indifference,” the history teacher Anatoly Bershtein**** is convinced. – You can not pretend that there is no violence, do not pay attention to it. The self-elimination of adults, the hushing up of what happened, always only complicates the situation of children. But it is necessary to react depending on the situation, finding out its causes and carefully selecting methods of influence – there are no universal recipes.
Create an atmosphere of safety
TEACH THEM TO INDEPENDENTLY RESOLVE CONFLICTS, FIND ARGUMENTS, DEFEND THEIR POSITION WITH WORDS.
The atmosphere in the school is what primarily determines the behavior of students, the actions of teachers. We feel it as soon as we enter the school, by the way they greet us, talk to us, how adults and children behave at school. Of course, children bring their own rules of communication to school – from home, from the street, but almost always the style of relations at school, its tone, its unwritten rules win in the end. The attention of adults, the support of the administration, school affairs uniting students and teachers create a special space of school life in which everyone – a child and an adult – will feel safe.
Prevent fights
24-year-old Alexander, a physics teacher, intervened in a fight between eighth graders and suffered a broken foot as a result. He demanded that the school administration discuss the situation at the teachers’ council, but the director preferred to hush up the scandal. “This is a dramatic situation,” comments Tatyana Bednik, “because not punishing means not only not protecting the teacher, but also leaving teenagers alone with the anxiety caused by the fact that their act went unanswered. In this case, the continuation of violence is inevitable: not knowing the boundaries of what is permitted, children will continue to freely show aggression.” The boundaries of behavior are determined by the rules and sanctions for their violation. “Without them, any conversations remain only words, shaking the air,” recalls Natalya Dyatko. “Experienced teachers from the very beginning of work in the classroom agree with the children about the rules, and they accept them – unless, of course, the rules are dictated by common sense and do not humiliate their dignity.”
“It is also important to teach children a peaceful style of communication,” adds Tatyana Bednik. Talking about the most important things for them (at different ages these are different topics), explaining, arguing, letting them speak and listening carefully to children is necessary in order to teach them to resolve conflicts on their own and defend their position with words, not fists. “It’s good when there is a tradition to get together with the whole class and discuss what everyone is worried about now,” says Natalya Dyatko. – At the same time, the teacher talks to the students about what worries him. He is an equal participant in the discussion and does not take the position “I know everything and now I will tell you what to do.” The meaning of these meetings is to learn to hear each other, find clear arguments and question the position of the other person, but not humiliate him.” In some ways, these meetings are reminiscent of previous meetings of the detachment council and class hours. Why not, if the method works?
Stop humiliation
Evil jokes, derogatory nicknames, ridicule that children shower on each other can cause constant hostility. “In our class, everyone calls each other names, mocks each other,” says 13-year-old Andrei, who has a very difficult life at school. “And if you don’t do it yourself in return, you immediately become a victim.” Children know each other’s weaknesses and hit where it hurts the most. “This behavior is especially common among teenagers who need to assert themselves in the eyes of their classmates,” says Tatyana Bednik. “The appearance of a scapegoat brings peers together, and they become even angrier.” The aggressiveness of younger schoolchildren often occurs as a reaction to psychological trauma. “Many children face physical and emotional abuse on a daily basis, suffer from beatings at home,” says Natalya Dyatko. “They have nowhere to look for protection. Their violence is basically a cry for help.” Among the “angry” students there are those who find it difficult to establish relationships with others. They feel like outcasts, victims, outsiders. “Their increased aggressiveness is just a desperate attempt to gain recognition,” the psychologist continues. “It is not due to the influence of the group, but to unresolved psychological problems.”
What should a teacher do if a child is humiliated
Children cannot cope with violence and rudeness on their own. Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya* offers the following algorithm for the actions of adults.
- 1. Say out loud what is happening in the classroom. If one of the children is deliberately brought to tears, teased, taken away (hidden, spoiled) his things, pushed, pinched, beaten, pointedly ignored – this is bullying, violence. Tell the children directly about this. Sometimes that alone is enough to stop the violence.
- 2. Explain to the students that what is happening is the problem of the whole class, and not the personal dislike of two or three people. This is a disease that can affect the classroom and even the school. Such a conversation will help children save face and, most importantly, will remove the opposition between victims, offenders and witnesses.
- 3. Insist that such behavior is unacceptable under any circumstances. Do not argue about the facts, do not find out who did what. But help the children understand what is happening to them and how other people feel when they are offended and humiliated.
- 4. Together with the students, formulate the rules of life in the classroom. “No one sorts things out with their fists”, “We don’t insult each other”, “We don’t look calmly when two people fight, they separate them.” For older children, the rule might be: “If I see that I hurt and offend a person, I will immediately stop doing it.” Discuss the sanctions that should follow the violation of these rules. Then in the future it is enough to simply recall the agreements.
- 5. Maintain an atmosphere of mutual understanding in the classroom. Let the children feel that its creation is their common cause and joint victory.
* Author of the book “What to do if…” (Avanta+, 2010).
What should teachers do in such a situation? “To intervene, not to remain indifferent,” Anatoly Bershtein repeats. “The school atmosphere is cultivated and controlled by adults, so we are responsible for what happens at school.” It is the responsibility of the adult to protect the child, and children are waiting for it. Moreover, violence always affects not only the direct participants and victims, but also its witnesses. “Eyewitnesses unwittingly become accomplices,” Anatoly Bershtein continues. “Some become infected with aggression themselves, while others experience shame and guilt for their inaction.” It is important for teachers to ensure that they do not, wittingly or unwittingly, provoke violence themselves. Sometimes a casually thrown remark: “Say thanks to Petrov, because of which the whole class remained without a change,” is enough to start the persecution. Another dangerous weapon of adults is irony, sarcasm. Children feel they are being laughed at, but find it difficult to respond to verbal aggression. But humor, harmless and harmless, on the contrary, helps to defuse a tense situation.
SET LIMITS: CHILDREN WILL ACCEPT RULES IF THEY ARE BASED ON COMMON SENSE AND DO NOT humiliate THEM.
React to rudeness
“Rudeness cannot be left unpunished,” Anatoly Bershtein insists. – It is necessary to react, albeit not immediately, – sometimes it takes time to cool down. And each time to figure out what caused it, what is behind it. When the rules of school life are violated (and rudeness is just such a violation), this must be followed by punishment – all our experts agree with this. It is important that the sanctions match the deed. “If a child swears (and this is a common thing for teenagers: this is how they involuntarily measure their strength with us), it is best to respond with humor,” advises Tatyana Bednik. “This instantly restores distance and reduces the intensity of passions.”
“There is a category of children,” Anatoly Bershtein continues, “who, seeing the teacher’s weaknesses, are rude, but do it gracefully, subtly. They make fun of the way the teacher is dressed, his taste, or a mistake on the blackboard. And then they make a surprised face: “What did I say? I didn’t mean anything, I just noted – but isn’t it so? ” Usually these are smart children who are well aware that they are rude. But they are absolutely unable to endure shame and guilt.”
“The task of the teacher is to see what rudeness hides behind it, what really hurts the child, and be able to answer him,” says Natalya Dyatko. Adults must not only declare the inadmissibility of violence, but also ensure that this rule is observed.
About it
- “Scarecrow” Vladimir Zheleznikov Strength of mind and self-righteousness helps sixth-grader Lena Bessoltseva survive bullying by her classmates (AST, 2011).
- “Jester” Yuri Vyazemsky Starting with the game of a noble knight, the teenager turns into a cruel “superman”. But the system of rules he built turns against him (AST, 2010).
- “The Gap” by Simon Lelich This story confirms that behind every case of school violence is the indifference of adults, even if the victim is a young teacher and his bullies are a group of high school students (Phantom Press, 2011).
- “Young Years” Archibald Cronin To cope with bullying in an English school, an Irish boy learns to box and challenges his strongest student to a duel (Crom, 1994).
develop empathy
Teaching children to understand feelings – their own and other people – is one of the tasks of education. “We simply have to develop empathy in children, this wonderful ability to understand (without evaluating) the words, emotions, beliefs of another person and what they mean to him,” says Tatyana Bednik. – You can use games, trainings for this, in which children can realize what the other feels when they offend him. Or to feel the limits of what is acceptable for oneself and others: I will not harm you and I will not allow you to harm me. “Today, many values are being eroded, so teachers need to explain to children the actions of other people again and again and, of course, show by their own example that no one is allowed to humiliate a person,” Anatoly Bershtein agrees. “It is necessary to instill self-esteem in children. This is a long process that includes the personal example of the teacher, and communication in the classroom, and human relationships after class.”
Read more:
- 21 theses about the dangers of education
Patience, reasonableness, generosity – these qualities make up tolerance, recognition of the right (for oneself and others) to be different. It is her absence that is increasingly the cause of violence at school. “The law of tolerance is simple: put yourself in the place of another,” says Natalya Dyatko. – To teach a child to calmly and tolerantly relate to the fact that the other is not the same as himself, first of all, by his own example. If a teacher tells children about the importance of tolerance, but at the same time becomes furious at one kind of informal dress, he only teaches a lesson in hypocrisy.
Unite by common cause
Nothing changes children like a common cause. This can be group work in the classroom (projects), a theater production, or joint trips and hikes. The main thing is that every child participates for real. And it primarily depends on the teacher. “When children know that no one here will say:“ You are not suitable for us ”, that there is a role, even the smallest one, for everyone, and the overall result (really) depends on their diligence, the need to be aggressive goes away by itself,” explains Natalya Dyatko. Children who cooperate are more likely to help each other and are generally more friendly and sociable*****. Thanks to a common cause, new relationships develop between them, they learn to support each other, exchange opinions, take responsibility for their part of the work and intervene in the work of classmates if they need help.
* The TV series premiered on January 11, 2010 on Channel One.
** The study “The problem of violence against children” was conducted among Moscow schoolchildren aged 14-18 by the Faculty of Sociology of Moscow State University. M. V. Lomonosov in 2010.
*** The survey was conducted on our website from 5 to 25 April 2011.
**** Author of the books School Blues. Self-portrait against the background of the profession”, “Stay after school” (Akron, 1996, 1997).
***** Evolution and Human Behavior, 2010.