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Some words cannot be said to a loved one under any circumstances! They kill the most valuable thing on which harmonious relationships are built – trust and intimacy. We talk about three types of stop phrases that you should never say.
1. Phrases that threaten attachment
When an unpleasant event occurs in a couple’s life and one of the partners does not give the second help and support, attachment wounds appear in the relationship. This can happen in everyday situations, and in serious ones. Wounds of attachment give rise to pain, distrust, and make relationships insecure.
“Love is alive by faith in its exclusivity,” wrote the famous psychotherapist Vladimir Levy. We all want to believe that we have a special place in our partner’s heart and life and that this position is not threatened. Only in this case it turns out to trust, open up, share the innermost, be gentle. Therefore, phrases that hint that we are not unique and not expensive destroy relationships and give rise to attachment wounds.
- Everything! I’m leaving! We are getting divorced!
- Even the ex-wife did not arrange such scandals.
- Who needs you? What do you think about yourself?
- If you get fat, I’ll start looking to the side.
- I can easily find another. I won’t cry for you for months.
- Sometimes I think that I would be better off with some other woman. Calm, home.
- Once again you will leave alone with your friends, and I will go to my mother!
- I never hid that I’m just comfortable with you.
- Mom is one for life, and there can be several wives.
- I have already regretted ten times that I married you!
The most common threat in a quarrel is separation and divorce. We talk about this out of impotence, trying to show how bad and painful we are. But the other side hears: “I don’t value our relationship too much.” It hurts a lot and is not forgotten. To convey your message correctly and get adequate feedback, talk about your pain directly: “I am in unbearable pain right now!”
2. Phrases that devalue the feelings of a partner
To be heard, understood, to share your experiences with a partner is one of the key human needs in close relationships. Devaluation of emotions often occurs in conflict situations. When our feelings are declared insignificant, unimportant, unimportant or wrong, there is a feeling of loneliness, of our own insignificance. If devaluation occurs regularly, then over time we stop waiting for understanding altogether.
What destructive phrases are dangerous for couples?
- Do not make up.
- Again you create a problem out of the blue.
- There was no such thing.
- What are you so tired of, I wonder?
- It’s a joke! You don’t understand jokes?
- I would like your problems.
- Do not make mountains out of molehills.
- No one in the world thinks so but you!
- Do you have PMS (premenstrual syndrome)?
- And how do other women work and raise children?
- You might think you’re dying! It’s just a cold.
Devaluation is always an attempt to protect against discomfort and insecurity. If confrontation with the partner’s feelings is unpleasant for us, there is a desire to reduce their significance. When a loved one expresses discontent, anger, sadness, we often do not know what to do with it, we feel helpless. It is unfortunate that devaluation is often hidden under the guise of good advice, “objective assessment” of achievements and care. It is worth noticing this discomfort in yourself, accepting it and the desire to protect yourself.
Don’t ignore your partner’s feelings! It is necessary to speak openly: “It is difficult for me to withstand your displeasure. I don’t know what you expect from me now.” Intimate relationships involve confronting each other’s emotions, not just the positive ones. And in this interaction there are two ways: to withstand different experiences of a loved one and respond to them, or to move away and gradually accumulate disappointment.
There is another reason why we can discount the feelings of a partner – accumulated anger and a sense of injustice. “Is this difficult for you? Yes, you live in chocolate! – such phrases we say when our pain or our contribution is not recognized. Try not to devalue the significance of the experiences of a loved one, listen to him.
3. Phrases that make a partner feel unworthy, inadequate, bad
If you look closely and analyze, at the heart of many quarrels is the struggle: “Admit that I am good! Admit that I’m not as bad as you claim!” It is vitally important for us to feel good in the eyes of our loved ones. Then we want to spend time together and invest in relationships, feel needed, valued, loved. If it seems that the partner considers us not too worthy and pleasant, it hurts. I want to defend, attack or close, hide. Such phrases deeply hurt and leave an unpleasant mark on the soul.
- You can’t be trusted with anything.
- What to take from you!
- You never… (e.g. don’t clean up after yourself)
- Are you crazy?
- It is easier to negotiate with our child than with you.
- For the extra savvy: … (explanation follows)
- You are not asked.
- Only a complete idiot would do such a thing!
- All my friends have normal wives, I got one.
- You are not capable of anything!
You need to express your anger, resentment and discontent. But it is worth learning to do this without insults, hints at the inadequacy of the partner. Try to use “I-messages” such as “It makes me angry when I ask you to do something and you don’t.” For many of us, hurtful words are a familiar way to express feelings, to convey our position. And open, respectful communication is seen as a foreign, forced script.
But love is a fragile flower. In order for it to grow stronger and flourish, you need careful handling of each other. Happy relationships give us so much that it’s definitely worth trying for them!
About the Developer
Yana Kataeva – family psychologist, emotionally focused therapist, author of the book “What is love, we have children.” Her .