Stop manipulation in 5 steps

Lisa was sitting in a chair with her arms around her knees. Again, in a conversation with her husband, she could not help herself and made a concession. No, Lisa is not at all weak-willed, she is usually resolute and active. But conversations with a partner for some reason always ended not in her favor. This time, she knew exactly what to refuse, how to insist on her own, but her body was numb, and her voice did not obey.

If you feel that the interlocutor, with the help of clever tactics, «playing on the nerves», pity or threats, is forcing you to do something completely different from what you planned, most likely, you have a manipulator in front of you. You can get out of his trap by following five steps.

1. Become aware that you are being manipulated

For a long time, acting according to the expectations of the manipulator, sooner or later we can feel an unpleasant aftertaste. We finally understand that we are being used. We get angry, we try to stop it, but at the climax we “bend” again.

Awareness of manipulation is the first step on the way out of the manipulative scenario. If you succeeded, praise yourself and give yourself a small gift.

2. Determine what the manipulation is

We figured out that all this time we were led by the nose, forced to act in a way that is unprofitable for us. It’s time to figure out why we are so easily led to the intrigues of a manipulator. The answer is usually specific and related to our situation.

For example, we are afraid that the boss will fire us. Or we are afraid that a loved one will stop loving us if we “show character” and defend our point of view. Or we are afraid to be left without money if, for example, the ex-husband begins to give less to raise a child. The manipulator instilled fear in us, inspired us that we would be lost without his care and protection. You can also be afraid of yourself if the manipulator wants to charge us with guilt for our refusal to help.

3. Come up with a plan B and find a support group

Time to think: what happens if we do not do what the manipulator expects from us? Will we really lose money, a job, a loved one or something else? In many situations, we have nothing to lose. The manipulator imposed these fears on us.

But what if the boss is really ready to fire us, and a close person is to reject us? This is an occasion to think about whether the work is worth the humiliation and whether a relationship that is based on addiction is needed.

Turn on your imagination. Imagine finding a new job or severing a relationship that hurts you, in as much detail as possible: what will you do, how will you look for a job or a new rented apartment so that you no longer live with a manipulator under the same roof. Imagine that you no longer feel fear and guilt. Inspiring, isn’t it?

Having come up with a retreat plan, remember those friends and relatives whose support you can count on. Someone will be able to shelter you for a while, someone will support you with a kind word. The size of the contribution of each is not so important — the main thing is that there are people who care about you.

4. Tell it like it is

This step is not easy: you will have to make contact with the manipulator again. But this is the only way to stop the manipulation. Wait for the next situation when you are going to act according to someone else’s scenario, and not of your own free will. Step back and look at what is happening from the side, as if telling someone about what is happening. Sometimes it helps to take a step back.

Take a deep breath, feel the air move in and out of your lungs. You have 15 more seconds. Remember everything that you recorded for yourself at the previous stage: all the plans, dreams, people who are on your side. You can imagine them all behind you.

Get together and in a calm voice tell the manipulator that you understand what the essence of his actions is. For example: “You are now saying this because you are afraid that I will refuse to help you.” «You just want to bind me to you.» “You are threatening me with this because you hope that as a result I will not go anywhere.”

Turn off your emotions and say the phrase as if you are explaining to a passerby how to get to the library. It is better to prepare and rehearse your speech in advance. If what we have said clings to ourselves and fears and feelings begin to stir inside again, then this is the whole point of manipulation.

5. Pull back

Now try to step back: after you have voiced the essence of his intrigues and intentions to the manipulator, he will certainly explode. We must be prepared that «the dust will rise to the skies», and the higher the columns of dust and the stronger the hurricane, the more accurately we hit the target.

The main thing is to understand that this flurry of emotions no longer has anything to do with us. The manipulator is indignant that he was discovered, that the scheme he invented no longer works. He urgently needs to come up with something new to intimidate the victim, to return everything to its place. His anger is not directed at us, he scolds himself.

If possible, it is better to leave immediately: this is not the time to sort out who is right and who is wrong. It is better to leave the manipulator alone with his feelings. He needs to digest the situation, and you need to tune in to a new life without scenarios imposed by others.

It is important for you to relax, spend time with friends or family. You have done a great job: the phrase you uttered was short, but you did not dare to utter it for so long. You deserve a pleasant rest: going to the cinema, gatherings with friends, a trip out of town.

The manipulator may try to impose his scheme on you again, come up with a new hook to hook on. Your task is not to respond to his proposals, even if they seem quite innocent. It is worth waiting a bit: both you and he must cool down and recover, and in addition, you need to learn new behavior and no longer dance to someone else’s tune.