How can you complain about your boss when unemployment is all around and many cannot get a job anywhere? Is it worth it to be upset because of problems with a partner — in the end, he is, and this is better than loneliness. Isn’t it better to always look for the positive in everything? No. And that’s why.
I had a girlfriend in college. No matter what problem you approached her, she always said: «Well, at least …» And so every time.
If you complained that the test was too difficult, the answer was: «Well, at least you’re in college — a lot of people can’t afford it!» If he talked about problems at work, he immediately sounded: “Well, at least you have a job! Do you know how many people don’t have it? If you complained about a partner … I think you understand. And no matter how serious the problem or situation was, my friend would find a way to put an imaginary gun to your head and make you feel grateful.
It would seem that bad. Positive psychology research proves that being grateful is good for our mental health. So yes, being able to see the bright side and being grateful for what you have is generally helpful.
However, this approach has two side effects.
Firstly, it does not at all help the person who contacted you to feel better. Even if you were able to convince the interlocutor that he should be grateful, he is likely to now experience guilt. Just imagine: you were reminded that you are lucky — you have a job. You experienced joy, but along with it, a sense of guilt towards those who do not have it. You complained that the food in the cafe was mediocre, and now you are ashamed: some people are starving. Complained about a partner — and now you are embarrassed in front of those who have never found a loved one in their entire lives.
The fact that someone is worse than us does not lessen our pain. Remembering others is good, but forbidding yourself to feel is not.
Secondly, this approach reduces the conversation to nothing. Instead of letting the interlocutor pour out his soul, you turn off the conversation — which means you never know what the person is going through right now. The interlocutor receives an unambiguous message: you are not interested in his complaints. It’s like sticking a band-aid on a deep wound without even washing or treating it.
Life is somewhat more complicated. The fact that someone is worse than us does not lessen our pain. Remembering others is good, but forbidding yourself to feel is not.
So next time, instead of reminding the interlocutor of the bright side:
1. Listen. Sometimes a counterpart does not need advice or a “look at the situation from the outside”, he just wants to cry, pour out his soul. Listen and try to see the situation through his eyes. Even if someone else’s whining is annoying, you should be patient: in the end, this person chose you, he trusts you enough to open up.
2. Recognize his right to feelings. It is not easy for the interlocutor now — let him know that you understand this. You can say, “Yeah, it looks like your boss is unfair to you” or “I’m so sorry that your girlfriend did this to you!”. Often the realization that we are understood is the best medicine.
3. Just be there. Your task is not to solve all his problems for a friend, but to be there when he needs to speak out. And one day, when you feel bad, such a person will also provide the support you need.
Source: Medium.