Contents
We have grown up a long time ago, but we are still trying to prove something to our parents. Have we managed to deal with children’s grievances? And can we expect our parents to accept us if we cannot accept them ourselves?
Basic Ideas
- They are imperfect: parents are ordinary people who gave us as much love as they could.
- We don’t have to live up to all their expectations… just as they won’t fulfill all of our desires.
- By accepting our parents, we get the opportunity to live in peace with ourselves.
It would seem that we have grown up a long time ago, built an adult life and even became parents ourselves. But did we manage to fully deal with the long-standing childhood grievances that sometimes so violate our relationships with the people closest to us?
“I have a wonderful mother,” says 37-year-old Yulia. She loves me, she worries about making me happy. And I don’t understand why I am offended, and sometimes really hurt, even by trifling criticism on her part. Seems like a common concern: “straighten your back, you’re slouching!” or “It’s time for you to cut your hair!” — and I can’t resist. I break down, yell at her … I want to be left alone, given the opportunity to live as I want. But as a result, it turns out that I offend her and from this I constantly feel guilty … “
Any, even the most ordinary gesture, casual look or word of parents has a special meaning for us. And many are familiar with resentment, disappointment, anger … These feelings are the stronger, the deeper our affection and love.
Dual feelings
“Pain is the other side of love,” explains family therapist Varvara Sidorova. – And in relations with parents, this duality of feelings manifests itself especially strongly. No matter how old we are, it is from them that we expect attention, support, we hope that they will accept us as we are.”
For the first time, we are “disillusioned” with our parents very early. Already at the age of 3-4, each child begins an unconscious “count” of what adults did not give him, what they missed, what they could not. Child psychoanalysts even believe that the child pays more attention to what (as it seems to him) he was deprived of than to what was given to him. Why do we fixate on what we lack?
“It’s about existential doubt,” says family therapist Nicole Prieur. – All children are unconsciously looking for an answer to the question: is my existence important to you, mom and dad? After all, in order to grow, you need to know whether you can trust your parents, whether you can rely on them.
This question arises especially sharply at every significant event in the life of a family: the birth of a brother or sister, the divorce of parents, the appearance of a stepfather or stepmother … “But no matter what our parents do, they can never be at the height of all expectations,” emphasizes Nicole Prieur . “They will never be able to meet absolutely all of our needs.”
Hence this unconscious resentment: they did not give us what we so desired. “And this feeling affects the rest of my life,” explains family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “Having not received love, care, affection, we can feel our insufficiency in the world, self-doubt and, most likely, we will blame our parents for this and try to change them.”
But there are those who claim that there is no bitterness in their relationship with their parents – only joy and warmth of communication. What is the secret of such families?
“If the parents managed to give the child a sense of security in the world, a clear understanding of the boundaries – what is good, what is bad, what is possible, what is not, what he is already capable of and what is not, and let him go to an independent life, then he has no complaints and grievances remains,” says Inna Khamitova. – And their relationship, as they grow older, will gradually develop into partnership, friendship. This does not mean that such parents do not make mistakes at all (this does not happen, no one is perfect), it is important that in such a family the general vector of relations is positive, and parents see an independent person in the child, and not their continuation.
“My father does not have to admire only me”
“I have always been proud of my dad: smart, talented, charming,” says 43-year-old Ksenia. – He is a mathematician, so in high school, my parents transferred me to a boarding school for physics and mathematics. I left to study, then easily entered the university, defended my PhD, got married … I “dedicated” every height I took in my life to my dad: I really hoped that he would be proud of me.
All these years, my parents and I saw each other infrequently, and two years ago my husband and children and I decided to return to my hometown. Parents by this time retired, moved to live in the country. And we became very good friends with our neighbors – a young couple, graduate students from my father’s institute.
And suddenly I began to catch myself on the fact … that it just infuriates me, how dad smiles at this neighbor Katya, jokes with her, says compliments. I was tormented by annoyance, irritation, anger … I did not understand where such feelings came from. Is it possible that I, a mother of two children, an adult woman, was seized by blind childish jealousy? It was terribly stupid, but I felt betrayed. It’s not my fault that I left home so early! Mom and dad themselves sent me to study, and now they are friends with Vanya and Katya, they drink tea with them in the evenings – with them, and not with me …
Probably for a whole month I “chewed” my grievances. Until one day she asked herself: do you want to remain an offended little girl who didn’t get sweets at the holiday? This image somehow calmed me down. My father doesn’t have to admire me exclusively. I myself have something to praise myself for.
Lay down your arms and stop fighting
“We need to defend our positions,” says 42-year-old Inna. – Mother was not very interested in me, now I see the same indifference to my daughter. Why should I endure this? Unleashing her anger on her parents, Inna tries to achieve her goal, to change her imperfect mother.
Varvara Sidorova says that in such cases she answers the client: “You are trying to“ get ”from your mother the love that she did not give you for your 30 (40, 50) years. Why do you think it will suddenly happen now? It is important for you to learn to do without your mother’s love.
It is difficult for parents, like all of us, to admit their imperfection, Inna Khamitova agrees: “It is unlikely that in response to the claims of their adult child, a mother or father will say: I understand everything, forgive me. After all, by admitting guilt, they thereby devalue their lives, and by justifying themselves, they can maintain self-esteem.
Does this mean that mutual understanding will never be achieved? Not at all, say our experts. “The only way is to lay down our arms, stop fighting and accept the fact that parents are not perfect,” says Inna Khamitova. – That a mother or father is not an omnipotent deity, but not villains either, but ordinary people with their own shortcomings and problems. They gave us as much love as they could. Mother worked hard and didn’t tell bedtime stories? Did you think that the main thing is to feed-shoe-clothe? Well, it means that she had such a love language! Parents themselves were inexperienced (as we are now) and lived as best they could. Nobody is to blame for anything.”
We also need to accept that the parental family will never be able to give us absolutely everything we need: happiness, satisfaction, well-being. “Growing up, we are looking for other people who will satisfy these needs – friends, partners, colleagues, like-minded people,” emphasizes Varvara Sidorova. “We must come to the conclusion that I can give myself what I lack.”
The world doesn’t owe us anything.
But why is it so difficult to accept this thought? “Because it’s much easier to blame your parents for their mistakes than to take responsibility for your life,” explains Varvara Sidorova. On the way to adulthood, we go through three stages.
The first is the childlike attitude, where we live in the passive expectation that we will get something from others.
The second is the position of a teenager who makes claims to his parents, settles scores, demands what is due to him. And many get stuck at this stage. Remaining dependent on others for years, they demand from friends and loved ones what their parents did not give them. And they are wrong, because the partner will never be able to love them like a father, a beloved cannot be exactly the same caring as a mother. These are different people and different relationships.
“A person who is dependent on others has nothing to rely on inside himself, he does not feel a core in himself, does not feel his identity, selfhood,” says Inna Khamitova. “Dependence on the opinions and actions of other people speaks of the infantility of a person.”
In order to grow, we have to admit that we will never be able to “get the bills.”
The third stage on the path of growing up is to accept the fact that what is not received will never be received, stop being offended by parents and say to yourself: “Well, no matter what I do, I won’t see this kind look, I won’t feel support and the confessions I dreamed of.” If we manage to manage our feelings at this moment, we will experience real liberation.
Search your way
But even this is not enough to really become an adult. The unconscious not only retained the memory of insults, but also absorbed parental expectations, these “impossible missions”, whether they were spoken out loud or not: “Mom could not become a pianist, now I must make her dream come true!”, “I must be in everything the first to make dad proud of me!
“Rare parents do not project their expectations onto their child, assuming that they know what is best for him,” confirms Irina Khamitova. But this is, of course, an illusion. Each person must find his own way.”
We grow up under the burden of these parental expectations, and even if we protest against them in adolescence, we still lack the strength to free ourselves from them. And only by the age of 25–30 do we feel that it will not work to pass all the parental “exams” for five. So, we will not fulfill their desires, we will disobey them. It’s hard to admit it and allow yourself to move on. But this is the last stage on the path that allows you to become yourself. Those who make their own decisions and take responsibility for their lives.
“For those who grew up in Russia, this is especially difficult,” says Varvara Sidorova. “Our children often receive two conflicting messages: “you are the center of the world” and “you are full of flaws.” And because I, the almighty, do not reach the required heights, a strong sense of guilt arises.
But our parents didn’t bring us into this world to live up to their expectations. If, as adults, we still continue to prove something to them, it means that we are not living our own life, we are not achieving our goals. “It is worth listening to your convictions,” advises Inna Khamitova. “I don’t trust people—isn’t it because my father said so?” I’m afraid of men who “only need one thing” – aren’t these my mother’s words? It is important to understand whose voices are in our heads, what we ourselves want, where our path is.”
And make no mistake: if we act against our parents just to prove them wrong, we are still dependent on them. This is the same relationship, only with the opposite sign. “Only when there is no protest, resentment, anger, feelings of guilt in the soul, then we were able to separate from our parents and really become adults,” says Inna Khamitova.
Learn family history
“Interest in family history helps to understand, and therefore forgive your parents,” says Inna Khamitova. – It is worth finding out: in what conditions did the mother grow up? How was she brought up, how was she treated in childhood? It’s not about “turning the arrows” on grandparents, but about justifying the mother. It is important to see and understand the whole family context. Think: why such women, such men, such marriages were in the family?
The next step is to look at the family history in the context of the country’s history. Maybe the ancestors were dispossessed or exiled, and all their strength was spent only to survive? From here, for example, rigidity and severity could arise, which were passed on to the next generations. Or maybe when the mother was born, the grandmother received a funeral for her grandfather – and the girl lacked attention, joy and warmth.
When we learn and analyze such details, the picture of life acquires volume, ambiguity. And black-and-white assessments are no longer possible: bad – good, good – evil. We will see difficult people, with their own difficult fate, whom it is pointless to blame.”
Accept their choice
And yet we have received much from them and feel we owe them. To what extent can we afford to be disloyal? “It takes time to admit: this person is not perfect – but I love him,” notes Varvara Sidorova. – And it is even more difficult to accept that we have both love and anger in us at the same time (everyone, of course, in different proportions). It’s easier for us to see only one color: I love him or I hate him.
When we discover the vulnerability of our parents, we often become frightened and feel more guilty. Sometimes adult children reach a dead end trying to save their parents – to get their mother out of depression, to cure their alcoholic father … even against their wishes. And they suffer when none of this works.
“You need to help when parents are ready to accept this help,” says Varvara Sidorova. – After all, not only I am an adult independent person, but my mother is an adult independent person. And has the right to make choices that I don’t like. Including, no matter how scary it sounds, and destroy yourself. Love is not omnipotent: we cannot “drive them into happiness” by force. Respecting your parents means accepting their conscious and unconscious choices.
Only after going through this difficult path of growing up, we receive the most important bonus – a deep reconciliation with our parents and ourselves, new strength to continue on our own path.