Stop being a «good girl»!

Do you suffer from «good girl syndrome»?

• Are you worried about offending someone or disturbing someone?
• Do you take pride in always thinking about others and being willing to help (even when it’s very inconvenient for you)?
• Were you called a “good girl” (or “good boy”) as a child?
• Are you a perfectionist? Always striving to achieve more?
• Do you always have to finish all the work before you allow yourself to relax or have fun?
• Do you find it difficult to stand up for yourself or ask for what you want?
• Do you always adhere to the rules (even small ones: never be late, never jump in line, never cross a red light)?
• Do you tend to please others, are you uncomfortable with conflicts, are you afraid to disappoint or offend?
• Do you want stability and predictability and are afraid of unexpected changes?
• Are you super responsible — always organizing, tracking and scheduling everything?
• Do you kind of recognize yourself in Hermione Granger from Harry Potter?

Is it bad to be «good»?

Of course, at first glance, the desire to please others is a very commendable quality. But everything is somewhat more complicated. Here is a short quote from my latest book, it concerns those who are used to pleasing others:

“Most of us have been taught to be accommodating and forgiving, to think about the feelings of others and help them in difficult times. These are wonderful qualities. But, if self-esteem is directly dependent on how much we are able to bring joy to others, we will constantly neglect our needs, trying to please others. The opinions and values ​​of others will become more important to us than our own.”

We cannot always neglect our own needs for the sake of others. We need to take care of ourselves. To do this, it is important to respect your needs and be able to say “no” sometimes. If you only give, you will eventually have nothing left for yourself, you will be exhausted, you will begin to feel bad and offended by the whole world.

The role of a good girl forces you to give in and avoid risk.

Another problem with «good girls» (or «boys») is that this role is in many ways limiting, does not allow you to fully be yourself.

Such a role creates a sense of security — it seems that it protects from criticism, rejection, conflict and failure. And this is true if we try to stay small and inconspicuous and always do what others want us to do. This way, we are less likely to experience conflict, rejection, criticism, and failure. But at the same time, we limit ourselves immensely.

• We do not allow ourselves to try something new (especially if we may fail or someone will be dissatisfied).
• We are silent when we are rude, when we have new ideas, when we do not agree with the general opinion.
• We do a lot out of a sense of duty in order to meet other people’s expectations, and not because we ourselves want to do it.
• All the time we demand from ourselves to be perfect, good, correct. And when we do not succeed (which inevitably happens with such unrealistic requirements), we criticize ourselves ruthlessly.
• Being a good girl forces us to conform to the rules and expectations of others and give up a lot of ourselves (ideas, beliefs, goals, interests, and values).
• We’re afraid of being judged, we’re afraid of not being good enough, we’re afraid of making mistakes, we’re afraid of being rejected.

How to get rid of the “good girl syndrome”?

Thoughts and actions are largely dependent on subconscious beliefs and deeply rooted patterns of behavior. In order to change, it is very important to first realize what is happening to us. If you want to change something in yourself, you need to understand what exactly you are doing and why. Not in order to criticize yourself, but in order to realize how you can think and act differently.

If you find yourself acting like a typical «good girl» (or «good boy»), ask yourself a few questions and see if you see any alternative. Can you make other decisions that are close to your real self?

• Am I meeting my needs and wants?
• Am I true to myself?
• Am I doing this out of a sense of duty or because I want to?
• What do I want?
• How important is it to me what this person thinks of me?
• What seems right to me?
• Can I express opinions and ideas kindly and politely?
• How hard can I stand someone else’s disapproval?
• What happens if I stop being so hard on myself?
• If I allow myself to have a little more fun and take risks, can it do me any good?
• If I decide to stand up for myself, how will others react? Will they really hate me, turn away, start “putting me in my place” or am I just intimidating myself?
• Can I try to remember that conflicts are normal and usually do not lead to catastrophic consequences?
• Do I want to associate with people who do not appreciate me for who I am?
• What happens if I play the role of a “good girl” (or “good boy”) all my life?
• Do I have the right to do something exclusively for myself?
• Should I «earn» a sense of self-worth by pleasing and helping others?
• Can I be kinder to myself in this situation?
• What do I believe? What is important to me?

Taking more risks, setting personal boundaries, and putting your needs first won’t make you selfish. By consciously making an effort to know yourself better and learn to treat yourself with more compassion, you can gradually move away from a rigidly set role. You can become different — true to yourself, happy, fulfilled and emotionally healthy.

About the author: Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist.