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Witty, good-natured, unflappable… 43-year-old British actor Stephen Fry made a poignant confession film in which he bravely talks about his bipolar disorder. This mental illness can lift a person to the heights of success – and makes his life unbearable. Fragments of the monologue from the film.
My role seemed to me a creative failure, and critics spoke of it unflatteringly. But for some reason there was a feeling that I failed not only in this role, but in everything that I had done good before. The next day, early in the morning, I went into the garage, curtained the door with a mountaineering quilted jacket, and got into my car. I think I sat for at least two hours with my hands on the steering wheel. It was a suicide attempt, not a cry for help. But then I imagined how my parents would see me, and did not do it …
My whole life began to seem like a complete failure to me. But, oddly enough, outwardly it did not manifest itself in any way. Then I learned that many people with bipolar disorder* can look quite happy on the outside when their soul is depressed. I took the ferry to Europe and was convinced that I would never return to England. But in Hamburg I discovered that many newspapers were writing about me. It turns out that people were worried, thinking that I had committed suicide. Struck by this, I returned to London and went to the hospital …
At the age of 37, I first heard a diagnosis that explained both the incredible ups and downs that had haunted me all my life. “Manic depressive psychosis” – I was horrified. But at the same time I was glad that the doctors had finally discovered the cause of the extreme manifestations of my feelings and my behavior. The psychiatrist advised me to take a long vacation. And I flew to America, where for many months I only talked with a psychotherapist and walked along the beach. Dozens of questions pierced my brain: Am I crazy? Where did this disease come from? Could it have been prevented? Is she curable? And what’s in store for me in the future? It was then that I realized how serious my diagnosis was. In England, four million people suffer from this disease, many of whom commit suicide.
Why did I decide to speak openly about my mental illness? After I was diagnosed with this, I continued to work. And he was silent about his illness. But now I want to talk about it to paint a true picture that most people know nothing about.
I first felt that something was wrong with me when I was fourteen years old. I remember that I was then living some kind of special life, as if in continuous euphoria. Perhaps this is what is called mania. I refused to play with my friends and often wandered alone on rooftops. I remember my mixed feelings – fear and superiority over those below. I was a brawler and an upstart, it was impossible to cope with me. The psychiatrist expressed various assumptions: teenage depression, mild depressive state, nothing serious, extreme infantilism …
His dates
- 1957 August 24 was born in London (UK).
- 1972 Expelled from several private schools for breaking the rules.
- 1974 Dropped out of college and ran away from home. He spent three months in jail.
- 1979 Entered Cambridge, where he studied English literature.
- 1987 First episode of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie’s comedy television show The Fry and Laurie Show.
- 1997 Played the title role in the film “Wilde” (dir. Brian Gilbert).
- 1990–1993 Starring role on Jeeves & Wooster.
- 2010 Voiced the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland (dir. Tim Burton).
And then I stole for the first time. And then – more. No, I didn’t need the money or the things I stole. Did I feel shame? I guess yes. But at the same time, being in a strange room and trying to find in it some things that did not belong to me at all, I experienced a strange excitement. It seemed to me that I was watching a movie, the heroes of which rob an apartment. My nerves were on edge, and my heart was beating somewhere in my throat. Then I did not go in for sports, or anything else that could give such an adrenaline rush. Perhaps that was what I was missing.
I don’t know if this was a manifestation of the disease, but both the teachers and the parents (and to be honest, I myself) considered my behavior to be an ordinary youthful protest. I was expelled from school. And I started stealing credit cards from friends of my parents. One day I was wandering around London with two stolen credit cards in my pocket and I was overwhelmed with a sense of freedom. I bought myself fabulous stand-up-collar suits and silk ties like the ones worn in the 20s, drank cocktails at the Savoy and the Ritz. The thought of the immorality of what I was doing did not occur to me. I was completely at the mercy of my manic fantasies and forgot about the existence of other people. I was the center of my own universe…
Of course, it couldn’t last long. For several months I traveled around the country with stolen credit cards, and then I was arrested and sent to a house of pre-trial detention. Since by that time most of my life had already passed in closed boarding schools, there was nothing new or special for me in that environment. Only instead of elders and educators there were prison guards.
I remembered my first depression, which I experienced about six months before that idiotic, ridiculous theft. By that time, my self-esteem was at zero. I remember what inhuman efforts I needed just to get up from the couch, walk to the refrigerator … And all because I felt like a complete nonentity. I also thought about death all the time – about death in general and about my own in particular. Then I tried to commit suicide for the first time – I ate pills. I was 17 years old. The pills made me vomit and that saved me. Then similar deep depressions happened to me five or six more times…
Could I have avoided these problems if I had known about my disease earlier, while still at school? Doctors say that bipolarity, a sharp change in states of euphoria and deep depression, has now become epidemic. And American doctors easily make this diagnosis for children. But if I had been given it at the age of 16, I would have been on pills ever since. And could I have succeeded then?
Throughout my life, this disease tormented me with the deepest depressions – and at the same time served me as a powerful source of creative energy. Until now, I have treated him without attention, but now I am not sure that I did the right thing. I decided to find out how serious my condition was, whether I needed to treat my illness at all and radically change my life.
“Mad Depression with Stephen Fry” (Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive). Dir. Ross Wilson, BBC, 2006. This documentary can be viewed on Psychology 21.
The results of the survey, which I passed at Cardiff University, literally amazed me. Professor Nick Kredok said: “We have developed a special scale. Zero means you have no signs of bipolarity at all. Between 1 and 39 are those who have had at least one episode of illness – an attack of euphoria. Between 40 and 59 – having hypomania. Above 60 on the scale – people experiencing mania in full. I believe that on our scale you are above 70. You are among those who show signs of bipolarity quite clearly. To put it mildly, my illness turned out to be much more serious than I thought. Then it turned out that among psychiatrists there is no single approach. Often the diagnosis is made only when the manifestations of the disease reach a crisis point. As, in fact, it happened to me. Doctors advised me to avoid stress, not to overload myself with work and to rest more. I took this advice seriously. Although I’m not sure if it’s stress that drives me into a manic state or depression, because I can’t remember a single period in my life when I didn’t experience stress. Some people just don’t understand what stress is. For example, if you can easily spend the whole day in the office, then for me this is a real stress. One person survives, the other goes crazy …
Walking along the beach at the time, I thought of another treatment, a lithium-based drug. It is the standard remedy prescribed for seven out of ten bipolar sufferers. But it has a side effect: it gradually deprives a person of feelings. Although the doctors assure that this is not so, and rather the disease itself turns into a zombie … Since the moment I was diagnosed eleven years ago, I have not taken medication. And today I doubt that this is correct. Almost all of my “colleagues” of those with whom I spoke about our illness admit that medicines help them or once helped them. But what scares me is that later it will be impossible to refuse them.
“I ASKED: IF YOU COULD GET RID OF DISEASE BY PRESSING ANY BUTTON, WOULD YOU DO IT? AND MANY ANSWERED NO
I was very surprised to learn that doctors still use electric shock. And for those who are deeply depressed, it helps better than any of the drugs known today. This was told to me by the “electric boy” Andy Berman, who was helped to survive by such treatment **. In his youth, he went through all possible extreme circles: he was a stripper, a prostitute, a drug addict. But after the electric shock, Andy became a successful businessman and helps sick people like me. He told me that approximately 20% of people with bipolarity commit suicide, 40% are unable to live independently and have to live with their parents … But 20% somehow stabilize, recover and achieve tremendous success! And that surprises me the most.
My illness will stay with me until the end of my days. It is very difficult to recognize this. According to the therapist, we can reduce the number of seizures and make them less severe. But I still can’t agree to live on medication. I understand that I can no longer live the way I used to. But at the same time, I love my illness: the manic state brings me incredible pleasure, gives my life a taste of adventure. I even think that the best in me was formed as a result of incredible mood swings. While working on this film, I asked others, those who also suffer from bipolarity, about how they resolve this contradiction. I asked: if you could get rid of the disease by pressing a button, would you do it? And many answered no.
What would I choose? I probably wouldn’t press that button to get back to normal either. Not for any treasures in the world.”
* Another name for manic-depressive psychosis. Doctors also use the term “cyclophrenia”.
** See Andy Berman’s website for more details – www.electroboy.com
Vladimir Chubarovsky, psychiatrist: “When it is impossible to defeat the disease, it is in our power to learn to live with it”
Psychologies: Can the stress of our lives cause bipolar disorder?
Vladimir Chubarovsky: A healthy person does not. Those who have a physiological predisposition to it get sick. The causes of this disease are biological, they are inside a person, and not introduced from outside. But what they are is not completely known. Genetics play a significant role here. Even with two sick parents, a child does not necessarily inherit a predisposition to the disease. And neither computed tomography nor genetic analysis helps to understand how it occurs.
How would you answer the question that torments Stephen Fry: “Am I crazy”?
V. Ch .: “Madness” is a household term, it is not a medical diagnosis. Each of us at least once in our lives is crazy, that is, commits inappropriate actions … A sick person experiences bipolar disorder in the same way as, for example, someone who suffers from bronchial asthma: there are exacerbations, there are long light periods. Between attacks, a person is absolutely healthy, and the disease does not change his personality.
When does bipolar disorder first appear?
V. Ch .: Most often during adolescence. At this time, the body, rebuilding, is experiencing maximum stress. Where it is thin, it breaks there … The behavior of adolescents always seems inadequate to adults. The only question is what is considered normal. For example, a high school student slapped the minister of education. Is this a norm or a pathology? From the point of view of formal psychiatry, pathology is unsocialized behavior. For example, Gavroche is the hero of the French Revolution from the point of view of the writer Victor Hugo. And from the point of view of psychiatry, he is a severe hysteric who runs, dances and sings under bullets … We are all very different, and what, say, for the Eeyore donkey is a slight revival, for Winnie the Pooh – a deep depression. They cannot be measured on the same scale.
Is it possible to control the development of this disease?
V. Ch .: Only to a certain extent. But when you can not defeat the disease, you can change the attitude towards your suffering. This is exactly what Stephen Fry does. He learns to live with mental suffering. It is impossible to prevent an attack, just as it is impossible to stop a rise in temperature or reddening of the skin. But most of the time, a person can control himself, because he anticipates the change of periods of depression and uplift. At such moments, you can, by contacting a doctor, increase the dosage of the medicine: this will smooth out the attack. Unfortunately, Russia has a historically wary attitude towards psychiatry. Many are simply afraid to go to a psychiatrist. And besides, society is intolerant of the mentally ill. Therefore, many perceive any psychiatric diagnosis as a social catastrophe.
How much control can we have over our mental health?
V. Ch .: Strong-willed people regulate it themselves – this is a matter of internal culture. But in Russia there is no tradition to be attentive to oneself: we rarely follow our feelings, memory, reactions, how we think… Self-observation, reflection – we do not teach our children to do this. The soul for many is something like a sacred cow, a phenomenon from the religious and mystical spheres. As a result, our relationship with ourselves is very naive. Having fallen ill, a person is often left alone with his suffering. And it is very difficult to go through. For example, he closes himself in the garage, gets into the car and, like Stephen Fry, thinks: to be or not to be? ..
Maybe to get closer to ourselves, we should turn to meditation?
Prepared by Alina Kharaz