Parents usually have unconditional love for their children. But if a child of one of the spouses lives or periodically appears in the family, completely different feelings and emotions, including rejection and jealousy, may come to the fore.
Own and others
“All the difficulties of upbringing stem from the fact that parents, not only not correcting their shortcomings, but also justifying them in themselves, want not to see these shortcomings in their children,” wrote Leo Tolstoy. Raising blood children often involves many difficulties and hard work on oneself, and when children from different parents grow up in a family, the difficulties become even greater.
How to create a harmonious relationship between half-siblings? How can adults improve relationships with non-native children and what mistakes should be avoided?
“The rejection of “alien” children primarily comes from jealousy: one of the spouses is jealous of a partner for his child, says Anna Avdeeva, a psychologist and specialist in parent-child relations. The reason for this is self-doubt. For example, a woman doubts the strength of a relationship with a partner and sees a competitor in his child. An adult daughter of a partner can be perceived as a rival — then with a fairly high probability two «females» will try to attract the attention of a male and divide the territory. Relationships are built successfully only in those families where a woman is realized in some kind of her activity and is confident in herself.
Often problems in education arise when children from different fathers are brought up in a family.
Sometimes the situation develops in such a way that a woman cannot perceive children in the same way: she treats a child from her current husband with visible love and tenderness, and she treats a child from her ex-husband with poorly concealed irritation, especially if negative feelings towards his biological father are still strong. Hatred, anger, resentment is transferred to the child. The situation is aggravated if the child outwardly resembles the father.
It is important for a mother to find these feelings in herself in time, to realize them, to accept and work through them. This is the only way to maintain or improve relations with the child. At the same time, it is not necessary to forbid the child to communicate with his own parent, unless this poses a danger to life and health, physical and emotional. The new spouse of the mother (or the new wife of the father) can play the role of a mentor, an older friend, but in no case try to become a second dad or a second mother.
In the future, the child himself will choose with whom it is more comfortable for him to communicate and whom he considers his real parents. Often it is the adoptive parent who becomes more dear and beloved, if only because the child sees an example of a worthy attitude towards himself and his own mother or father.
The rules of society
A mother who has realized and worked out her attitude towards her former partner, the father of one of the children, perceives children the same in any situation — both when she is proud of them and when she is angry because of something. If children have the same father, but different mothers, it is important to pay attention to other nuances. A stepmother should not take on the duties of a mother. How the stepmother will build communication with the children also depends on how the relationship between stepbrothers and sisters will develop.
“First of all, you need to create a trusting atmosphere, show the children that you treat them with respect. You should not allow disrespectful attitude towards you from the side of children — both you and your partner should follow this.
Often a parent feels guilt and embarrassment towards a non-native child and because of this allows him too much
Pay special attention to the “hierarchy” in the family: treat the oldest child as the oldest, regardless of whether he appeared in the family earlier or later, whether he is your own or not. And the youngest must remain the youngest. It can be difficult for children to accept new roles, especially if they used to be the only ones or had a different position in the family hierarchy — for example, the child was the eldest of two, and is now the «middle» of three. Give the children time to adjust to the new situation. It is important that they are free to share their feelings about this with you.”
Often a parent feels guilt and embarrassment towards a non-native child and because of this cannot build boundaries, allows the child too much. The formation of a healthy personality largely depends on the ability to see these boundaries, on the understanding of certain rules of behavior. Therefore, remind yourself that this child is the same as yours, dear. And treat him the same way.
Fight for territory
Another topical issue is conflicts between parents. A man may feel guilty before his own child (“I deprived him / her of a full-fledged family”) and, as a kind of compensation, begins to pay much more attention to the child than to his wife.
He does this unconsciously, trying to prove to himself that he is a «good parent». Here again the question of roles arises: a woman occupies a higher position in the family hierarchy than a child. She builds the rules of the house, and in these rules the child must learn to live. And his father should help him with this.
“The need to give a child too much attention, to pamper him, can lead to negative consequences: in this way, the parent shows that the stepmother / stepfather does not count. Children begin to manipulate adults early, especially if the parents are in conflict: the child may focus on the fact that his mother did something better or his father was kinder and bought more toys. Parents should agree on a balanced upbringing system: if dad plays a good cop, and mom plays a bad one, there can be no question of any proper upbringing.