«Step back, boy»: how the cult of self-reliance is poisoning our relationships

There are women who do everything themselves. It’s great if a person has achieved financial independence and can take care of himself. Problems begin where a woman makes a cult out of her independence and jealously protects it.

In order not to seem weak and dependent, she will not even allow herself to treat herself to a cup of coffee. Her «I myself» means «because you’ll make things worse.» Next to such a woman, a man feels that he was blamed in advance, and the relationship does not add up.

Most of us can pay for ourselves too, but don’t get into such a tough confrontation. If a man wants to pay the bill or open the door for us — of course, why not. And yet, in some situations, we also want to say: “No need, I myself,” after which the man narrows his eyes in disbelief. At the same time, motives can be the brightest, for example, because we know how busy he is. But our refusal still hurts the man.

Does this mean that a woman cannot be independent at all? Not at all. Today we ourselves earn and provide for ourselves to the delight of men. Because an independent woman means more freedom, less obligatory expenses and the opportunity to build a common life together.

But it is important to remember that any relationship is a balance between taking and giving. And if a man offers a certain resource that a woman does not accept, she can upset this balance. It is unpleasant for us if the partner does not give anything: no attention, no gifts, no obligations.

And it’s just as unpleasant for a partner if we don’t accept all this and don’t let them take care of ourselves. For example, meet at the airport, pay the bill, or join the process of making an important decision. He feels that we are keeping our distance, and does not understand why.

It is important to remember this, even if we are not in a relationship. Just excessive independence can prevent them from appearing: as if there is no place for a man here in advance.

To make room for a caring partner, you will have to figure out where the cult of independence came from.

Development of self-reliance

“I myself” is a wonderful position of a confident woman. But exactly as long as this position is based on respect for the partner, and not on neglect of him. It is formed as we grow up, and sometimes we do not always understand from whom we are trying to be independent at the moment.

It all starts at the age of three, when the child wants to fold the pyramid himself or press the elevator button. If you do not allow him to show independence, the cry will be heard in the front door. This is an important stage of growing up, and it depends on our mother how successfully we will go through it.

It turns on again, often just as pointlessly and ruthlessly, at puberty. Everything that parents and other adults offer is not suitable for a teenager, and he still does not really know what he wants. Purple hair, tattoos, antisocial behavior are examples of independent decisions that he learns to make. And this is also a normal stage of growing up.

How we get through it depends on our parents and partly on ourselves. Because we are already able to read, reflect and draw conclusions. But we will get complete freedom for adult decisions only by separating ourselves from our parents.

Let’s imagine that we have grown up and are no longer looking for the hem of my mother’s skirt with our hands, but for men’s shoulders. In the moment of closeness, all our fears are aggravated, requiring us to keep our distance. «I myself» is mixed with a complex of anxieties, and for a partner it becomes painful.

What makes self-reliance toxic?

Pointless competition. A woman wants to show her strength and independence and arranges a competition where it should not be. Consciously or not, she broadcasts to the man: “Step back, boy, I can do better than you!”

Or a reaction to a long-standing resentment may be sewn in here. And not necessarily on this man, but, for example, on their parents or ex. Then, to all his offers of care, she seems to answer the same thing: “It’s not necessary anymore!”

Fear of being in debt. Relationships always assume that we will accept something from each other. And the fear of putting on extra obligations can make a woman isolate herself from men. If I do everything myself, then I owe nothing to anyone. This may be the result of an upbringing or relationship in which the woman was constantly reminded of how much has been done for her, and now she is in debt for the rest of her life.

Fear of being a burden. Follows from the previous point. A woman has no experience of good, often childish attachment, when she was cared for and her emotional and other needs were met. There is a belief inside that it is hard to be with her, so the manifestations of care seem unnatural. Then the woman tries in every possible way to lighten the man’s burden. The thought lives inside: “If I am good, comfortable and don’t ask for anything, then he will stay.”

It’s a pity, but such a story usually ends with a break in relations. Or the woman will nevertheless notice that she is not given anything, and feel deceived, even if she herself refused the proposed care. Or a man will feel unnecessary, like a child whose help parents do not take seriously.

Not allowing another to take care of you is tantamount to tying his hands. How else to show your love, if not care? How to feel strong if she can do everything herself? If you want a knight next to you, give him the opportunity to perform feats.

Fundamental questions

There is only one reason for «I myself» that has joy and meaning. This «I myself» is from excess. I can pay for myself, but I’ll be glad if you do it. I can plan our vacation myself, but come on together, it’s more fun. Or I will do it myself, because I enjoy this process, and not to reproach you. And this “I myself” has limitations — those areas of life where a woman needs support or even help. Delicious dinners are born from such “I myself”, wonderful children and a successful business grow up.

In order for the “I myself” position to be conscious and resourceful, you need to build it on a solid foundation. You can test your foundation for strength with two questions: what am I really afraid of and who do I want to punish.

Fear of vulnerability. To accept someone else’s care in a sense means to show your vulnerability. People who have been traumatized in past close relationships want this least of all. A woman could become stronger and more independent, but now she does not allow herself to relax even in small things.

This is a fundamental defense — not to let the other know that she has weaknesses. Nothing to be inferior to a man. Even where there was no competition. In this case, the position of “I myself” is colored with mute reproach or longing.

A woman behaves this way not because she enjoys herself, but because she is tired of waiting for something from others. Or no longer believes that others can sincerely help.

Unfortunately, the belief that a man cannot be relied upon will attract just such men — infantile and helpless. Or cold and distant. Because a confident man does not want to be in a relationship where someone else’s account is put out of the blue or his attention is neglected.

Desire to punish offenders. The desire to do everything herself may be an attempt by a woman to prove that she, too, is worth something. Most often this is due to the figure of the father or mother, who suppressed the child or praised it little. As a child, the girl was taught that she was good for nothing, and she would devote her whole life to proving to her parents how much they were wrong.

This may be the figure of a former lover, with whom they badly parted. Often we enter into a new relationship, unconsciously trying to recoup our own defeat or past pain on the humiliation of a new partner.

You can only sympathize with the new partner. He will have to endure the deliberate independence of a woman. «You don’t have to meet me, I’ll go myself.» “You don’t need to advise me, I will decide for myself.” “You don’t need your care, I myself, myself, myself.” Such is the not always conscious game of power: I will be higher than you and will do everything myself.

This is where competition with a husband or partner can manifest itself. For example, after a quarrel, a woman, for no apparent reason, undertakes to repair a closet that a man has long been too lazy to fix. She herself does not admit this, but this is just a cry: look, I can do everything without you, you are weaker than me.

Let him take care

Thank God that over the past hundred years, our great-grandmothers, grandmothers and mothers have won the right to decide for themselves. Choose how to look, where to work and with whom to live.

But the position of «I myself» can give us energy, and, conversely, deprive us of it. If from unconscious principles we refuse to accept care and help, there is no strength in this. But it is easy to offend people who wish us well. Or remain without a relationship at all.

So, if a man wants to rush to the airport at night, you should not refuse. And do not be shy to ask yourself if for some reason he forgot to offer. First, it’s nice. Secondly, it is important for all of us to feel that we are needed. Especially if someone strong is in need.