We often hear two calls that at first glance seem to be mutually exclusive. One is to accept yourself. The other is to change and achieve more. What does it mean? And maybe they are related? Gestalt therapist Eugene Tumilo explains.
It is difficult for modern man. Psychologists of all stripes purr in one of his ears: “Man! Accept yourself the way you are!” All kinds of coaches whisper in the other ear: “Change and achieve more!” These slogans are directly opposite — in the sense that either I’m already good enough and you just need to understand this, or I’m still not good enough and I need to urgently change. And then either choose which ear to deaf. Or schizophrenia.
But there is, it seems to me, an approach that does not lead to inevitable disability. The thing is that these slogans, being essentially good and useful, but repeated a million times from each iron, have turned into fetishes, into ends in themselves. But neither self-acceptance nor achievement techniques are core values of a healthy life. The cat does not need to accept itself. The dolphin doesn’t need to achieve anything.
Agree, it’s stupid to pray to a hammer or repeat “piano” 40 times in front of a mirror. Everything is much easier. It is necessary to hammer in a nail — they took a hammer. The soul asked for music — they sat down at the keys. Both self-acceptance and the ability to change are only our tools. How to use them and why is an open question. And this, of course, is a personal choice of everyone.
It is also true to say that in many practices, self-acceptance is the beginning of the path to change. Gestalt therapy, for example, is based on Arnold Beisser’s paradoxical theory of change. Its essence is that changes occur to a person when he becomes who he really is, and not when he tries to become what he essentially is not.
Einstein said that we are all geniuses, but he recommended that fish should not be judged by their ability to climb trees. Accordingly, the key point in self-acceptance is the study of oneself — and what am I really? What can I do? That I love? What I want?
Feelings play an important role in such self-knowledge. It is the feelings that most briefly, quickly and, most importantly, truthfully give an understanding of where it is good and where it is bad, where it is comfortable and where it is dangerous, where we remain ourselves, and where we step on the throat of our own song.
Acceptance of the shadow side in yourself is associated with experiencing and living a huge amount of guilt and shame.
In general, “accepting oneself” is rather to know oneself than to make some kind of effort, and perhaps even violence against oneself. Learn in the little things and nuances, that is, become more attentive to yourself. It should also be warned that full-fledged «self-acceptance» is not only about allowing yourself to lie on the couch for an extra hour or gobble up an extra kilogram of buns without guilt and remorse. Although this is also important!
But including this is also to accept all your shadow side in yourself — and your weakness, and your meanness, your baseness, your cruelty … The pain caused to someone … All that for which you are ashamed. All that can no longer be corrected, cannot be returned, cannot be glued together.
And this is where things get interesting sometimes. Someone accepts their meanness like this — «It’s not me at all!» Someone accepts their cruelty like this — “But did it really hurt? That’s it — it hurts!» Someone accepts his meanness in such a way — “Well, yes, I’m such a scoundrel!” Someone accepts his meanness with the words «this is how the world works.» But this is not acceptance. This is denial.
With such acceptance, one can rape oneself ad infinitum. But the most that will work out is to push your dark half deeper into the closet and hang a barn lock on it. Does it help? Question! In my opinion, denying a whole half of yourself does not exactly make a person happier. Such «happiness» is immediately visible — by hysterical manners, by irascibility, by excessive, inadequate enthusiasm, by insincerity and suspicion.
Acceptance of the shadow side of yourself is associated with the experience and living of a huge amount of guilt and shame. The process is very difficult and, to put it mildly, not the most pleasant. Therefore, both in religious practices and in psychotherapy, this is always a process that requires the help, attention and support of another person.
Attention — because often we ourselves do not see our Shadow, that’s why it is a Shadow. Support — because it is she who helps to look at her negative side boldly and directly, and without it there is a great temptation not to come into contact with all that unpleasant, disgusting or shameful, of which the Shadow consists. Well, and help — because only the help of another allows us to get out of the depths of despair and nihilism, where we sometimes plunge when studying our own Shadow.
In conclusion, I will share one fabulous, but, it seems to me, a very effective spell, peeped from Hans Christian Andersen: “Shadow, know your place!”