In most cases, people perceive the phrase “start with yourself” as: “Find what you are guilty of and fix it.” But what if «start with yourself» in a different sense? From your desires, from your comfort, from the fulfillment of your childhood dreams? How will this change our attitude towards ourselves and towards life?
At the reception Zoya, 28 years old, married, no children. She does not dare to speak for a long time, sighs and finally begins.
«Maybe it’s my own fault…
What are you guilty of, Zoya?
I don’t trust my husband.
— There are reasons?
— In general, no. Well, came late at night. But he was in a restaurant with the right people. Or I found correspondence with women on his phone and asked. He was angry that I was checking. Maybe it’s for work. I understand that if there are problems in the family, then the woman is to blame. You have to be able to make up, forgive, since he is like that.
You have many responsibilities, but what are your rights?
Zoya is silent.
Another case: Lyuba, 40 years old, two children.
— I’m not a good enough mother, I sit at home, but I’m constantly in business and get tired so that there is no time for love. Parents in another city call often, but only complain about life or criticize me. The husband does not help, I do not demand. But he does not know how to communicate with children at all. Apparently it’s my fault.
During consultations, I run into this exaggerated sense of guilt every now and then. I feel like it’s an epidemic. And perhaps there is the contribution of psychologists. We repeat “start with yourself” — but they understand us this way: find your fault. Because many generations in our country were brought up on the idea of the benefits of criticism and self-criticism.
The women who come to see me have different fates, different stories. But I often hear the same phrase from them: “I understand that I need to start with myself” — in the sense of “I am not up to the best examples.” They have a similar feeling that if they just relax a little, take off part of their duties, everything will collapse.
I ask them questions: “What do you dream about? How do you imagine a happy family life? At what moments do you feel joy, freedom? And I know that it will be a long time before they can answer.
“Start with yourself” means: remember how real you are. Restore your self-esteem
Many people find it easier — and more habitual — to blame themselves than to remember what they like, what they love, what they aspire to. The common problem of my women is that, complaining about their husbands and women’s fate, they do not stop believing that this is how the world works. What are they most afraid of? To be a bad wife and mother in the eyes of others. Their own life, in which they could show their talents, seems to them unattainable, unimaginable, almost forbidden.
Who convinced them of this? Parents, husbands, friends, acquaintances, nameless and faceless, but powerful public opinion. On one side of the scales — «everyone lives like that», «the woman is to blame» and «the woman must». On the other — his own unlived life.
But to be yourself, to realize what you dream about — this will not make anyone unhappy. Quite the contrary: a happy woman will create a cozy space of openness in which children can feel safe and her husband can feel interest.
But the feeling of guilt makes us helpless in front of the manipulators, who quickly find it and successfully use it. We stop believing in our abilities — we are busy daily trying to meet other people’s expectations, just to get rid of this feeling.
And here is the time to “start with yourself” — and this is not at all about finding your shortcomings. Start with yourself — that means: remember how real you are. Restore your self-respect. Be yourself. This is the only responsibility we have that we can’t pass on to anyone.