Mom, daughter, son, husband, worker, patient, customer… Are we exhausted by this or is there something else in us, perhaps more significant? How to find and not lose your own «I» among your goals and responsibilities?
On the one hand — children, on the other — parents, on the third — work, on the fourth — friends, on the fifth — colleagues, on the sixth — events in the world … How many of these sides! We barely have time to turn around, and it is not surprising that we forget about our tasks and needs, about who we are as an independent unit.
“If they ask me how life is, I usually talk about my mother’s health, my husband’s business, about the successes or problems of my sons,” admits 45-year-old Natalya, “and if they ask how I feel, then I get lost. I don’t feel like I’m feeling at all!» How to get yourself back?
freedom of choice
Understanding and accepting our role in the lives of loved ones, many of us try to fulfill it with maximum responsibility. But sometimes we forget that this is possible only in the presence of our own «I».
In the history of our country, there have been difficult periods more than once when forgetting about yourself, ignoring fatigue, hunger, physical discomfort, your need for sleep and rest was the only way to survive. But in the long run, this strategy does not work well. Forgetting that we are on our own, we lose the ability to perform our duties qualitatively — both parents and children.
And what does it mean to be yourself and why should you not be limited to fulfilling the duties of caring for loved ones?
“To be yourself means, firstly, to be free from everything imposed from the outside, even from a sense of duty,” lists family psychologist Dmitry Sobolev. — Secondly, to resist manipulation, including loved ones. Thirdly, do not betray yourself and live according to your inner code of laws. Of course, this does not mean that your personal «constitution» is directed against other people — it is directed primarily at yourself.
To feel calm and lack of tension, to feel freedom of movement and freedom of choice — this is also a sign of the presence of one’s own «I». When we are able to explain our choice, which does not happen automatically and not because we are so used to it, but consciously.
“When we do something not to the detriment of ourselves, we live our lives qualitatively, in different planes and spheres,” the psychologist continues. “We feel life as a full cup from which we drink, and we are saturated with life, realizing that it belongs only to us.”
Who are we? Who are we real? What would we like to be? It will be possible to answer these questions only if we weed out all internal anxieties, fears and doubts and stop looking at the opinions of others.
last shirt
Today, the term “burnout” is actively used in relation to office workers, but initially it was used to describe the state of complete indifference to patients that appeared in the most dedicated doctors and nurses.
“It inevitably comes if we systematically ignore our needs, serving the needs of loved ones,” confirms Olga Borisova, a volunteer at the Attention and Care nursing school. “If we constantly hold back either anger or tears, we are overstrained and distracted, and sooner or later the question will arise: will we harm our loved one?”
Often we do not choose a life scenario. Children may not be in our plans, but they still appear, and they have to be raised, and the health of parents may deteriorate at the most inopportune time.
“Thanks to the ability to adapt, we can adapt to any circumstances,” says Dmitry Sobolev. — However, it should be understood that both a child and adults can consume as much time as you allocate to them. Set aside twenty-four hours, twenty-four will be eaten. Allocate four, and spend the rest on taking care of yourself — they will be happy with this.
Effective care does not mean that all your attention and care should be spent without a trace.
If you want your children to be happy, start with yourself: be happy. So that in the future they will not repeat your own model of behavior and will not be squeezed between you and their children.”
Understanding that we gave ourselves to others for a long time — relatives, children, parents — and eventually forgot about ourselves, comes, sooner or later. And then it’s worth thinking and talking honestly with yourself, pulling out answers that were previously shelved.
“Sometimes we give away our last shirt just to get recognition in return,” says psychologist Nina Sharokhina. “The reason for this is dislike for ourselves, at the moment when we cease to feel like a whole person.”
The Bible says, «Love your neighbor as yourself.» But how to do this for those who have played the role of Mother Teresa all their lives? “Reconsider the rescue guidelines that limit:“ I am obliged ”or“ the world will collapse without me, ”advises Nina Sharokhina. — Modern psychology will help you get away from the scenario where you owe everything to everyone. Remember what makes you happy. What can you do for yourself today?”
A clear knowledge of yourself and your needs will help you get rid of dependence and dissolution in others.
The holiday that is always
Talking is easy, but doing it can be difficult. Start gradually, from the first step — freeing up time only for yourself. «Don’t do anything useful! Olga Borisova insists. “This is only your time, and it is intended solely for positive emotions from your favorite activities.”
But it is difficult for many to allocate time, effort, and even more money for themselves, this causes remorse
“To avoid this, do not forget: taking care of yourself is part of taking care of loved ones,” stresses body therapist Anna Komlova. “In this way, you fill yourself with strength, peace and love, which you can later share with your family.”
Self-care is a simple act that is required on a regular basis, not just when we feel low. Allow yourself the same things that you allow others: for example, lie down, do sweat, relax, the body therapist continues. And more holidays with or without, simply because you so wanted to.
And with the setting of personal goals, the practice of the Balance Wheel will help. “Draw a circle and divide it into eight sectors: health, family, career, finances, relationships, personal growth, spirituality and relaxation,” suggests Olga Borisova. — In each sector, write what you lack, without any restrictions: there must be at least one desire.
Think about it: if you didn’t have to take care of anyone, what would your life be like? What would you like to do and be interested in? What would inspire you? And gradually begin to embody. To finally feel in the lead role — your role.