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Interest in masculinity
At the age of six, boys undergo an important metamorphosis. It is as if a masculinity that has been dormant until now wakes up in them. Even those boys who don’t watch much TV suddenly start to show interest in weapons, dream of wearing superman caps, wrestling and fighting, playing noisy games. And something else very important is happening: and this is typical for all countries and cultures. Around the age of six, boys seem to lock on to their father or grandfather or another man. They awaken the desire to be close to a man, to learn from him, to imitate. They want to «learn to be a man.»
If during this period the father ignores the son, the boy often arranges wild antics, just to get his attention. I was once called upon as a consultant to investigate a case in which a boy had intermittent outbreaks of a severe illness for no apparent reason. An intensive medical examination was ordered. His father, a leading specialist in the field of medicine, returned from a conference from America to be with his son, and the boy got better. Soon the father again left for the conference, and the disease returned. We asked the child’s father to reconsider his work schedule, which included being away from home for eight months of the year! He made the appropriate adjustments, and since then the boy has never been sick.
To attract the attention of the father, the boys may begin to steal, urinate in bed, show aggression at school, and commit other unseemly acts.
Moms still mean a lot
This sudden change of interest in the direction of the father does not mean at all that the mother is leaving the scene. In some countries (for example, the United States), mothers often distance themselves from their six-year-old sons in order to add «toughness» to them. (It is at this age that children are sent to boarding schools in Britain). But, as Olga Silverstein argues in her book Courage in Raising Real Men, the idea is tricky. Boys need to know that they can rely on their mother in everything, and tender feelings should not be suppressed in them. It is best if the boy is close to his mother, of course, despite the fact that his father will be nearby. If the father feels that the son is too involved in the interests of the mother (which happens), he needs to increase his influence — in no case criticizing the mother! Sometimes a father is too strict or imposes increased demands on his son, and he begins to be afraid of him.
If at an early age the mother suddenly moves away from her son or deprives him of warmth and attention, the result is sad: the boy, trying to drown out resentment and pain, seems to cut the strings that connected him with his mother — tenderness and love. Instinct tells him that it is difficult to show warm feelings if they do not resonate with the mother. If a boy sets such a barrier for himself, he will grow up rather sharp and goo and is unlikely to show warmth and tenderness towards his children and wife. We all know very well such men (bosses, fathers, husbands) who are emotionally restrained and cannot establish contact with people. We can make our sons not be like that, and for this we just need to hug them more often — at five, and at ten, and at fifteen.
The Five Commandments of Fatherhood
Here are some more parenting lessons to learn.
1. Start as early as possible
Participate in the process of parenting from the period of pregnancy. Talk to the mother-to-be about your hopes for the baby, and be involved in the care of the baby from birth. This is a key step in building future relationships. Early childcare disciplines you and changes your priorities in life. Keep in mind: fathers who care for newborns tune into the same wavelength with them, there is a so-called deep dive. By the way, men do an excellent job of calming a child in the middle of the night — they lull him, shake him, sing songs! Do not become a mother hen, but strictly follow the advice of the mother of the child or other experienced mentors. And be proud of your accomplishments. Even if you are too busy with work, use weekends or holidays to pay attention to the child. Starting at the age of two, invite the mother to leave you with the child for the weekend, and you will realize that you are doing a great job in your role.
2. Find time
It’s the most important. Dads, remember: If you spend fifty-five to sixty hours at work during the week, including business trips, you are simply not able to fulfill your father’s duties. Your sons will have problems in life, and this will certainly affect you. Fathers need to come home on time to play, laugh, teach their children, frolic with them. Work in corporations and small businesses becomes the enemy of the family. Often, fathers choose lower earnings, but they have the opportunity to spend more time with the family. So the next time you’re offered a promotion that requires longer hours and frequent travel, seriously consider telling your boss, «Sorry, but my kids come first.»
3. Don’t hold back your emotions
Hug your son, frolic with him, play wrestling is not forbidden until he comes of age! Combine these romps with a more relaxed pastime: children are very receptive to stories, they like to just sit next to their father, sing or play music. Talk to your children about how smart, beautiful, creative they are (praise them often and sincerely). If your parents weren’t so open about showing feelings, you’ll have to learn to do so.
Some men fear that showing affection towards their son will make him «gay». It’s not like that at all. Moreover, the opposite is true. Many gay and bisexual men I have spoken to admit that their lack of paternal affection partly explains their desire for male tenderness.
4. More fun
Rejoice in your children. If you’re only spending time with them out of guilt or obligation, it won’t do you any good. Try to find activities that both of you enjoy. Relieve the children of the «burden of responsibility» but encourage them to help around the house. Limit their extracurricular activities to one or two sports or other activities so they have time to just be themselves. Organize their free time so that they do not wander aimlessly, and devote it to walks, games, conversations. Avoid excessive competition in games. Teach your children constantly, share with them everything you know yourself.
5. Be disciplined
Today, many fathers have chosen the role of «kind dads» for themselves, leaving all the difficult questions of education to their halves. But we still advise men to participate in decision-making, to monitor how the child does homework and does housework. Establish standards of discipline—calmly but firmly. Do not resort to physical assault, although sometimes it is tempting to spank the boy. Insist on respect. Don’t make yourself look small. Be sure to listen to the child and take into account his feelings and experiences. Discuss with the mother of the child global issues of education: “Do we succeed? What needs to be changed? Raising a child together brings parents closer together.
Looking for a role model
A boy between the ages of six and fourteen still adores his mother and can learn a lot from her. But his interests are changing: he is more and more drawn to learn from a man. The boy understands that he is growing up. And in order for the development to be complete, he must “download as much data as possible into himself” from the man.
The mother can only calmly accept this, maintaining warmth and readiness to provide support. The task of the father is to gradually intensify his participation in education. If the father is not around, the boy begins to look for a man in his environment — for example, at school. But today there are fewer and fewer men among teachers, especially in primary school, and this creates a certain problem.
single mother
For thousands of years, single mothers had to raise boys on their own. There is no doubt that women can raise worthy men, but — and this is a very big «but» — those women with whom I had a chance to talk, each time emphasized that they found men worthy of emulation in their environment, calling for help relatives, friends, school teachers, sports coaches, leaders of youth organizations (selecting them with great care to avoid the risk of sexual harassment).
Attention Deficit or Fatherhood Deficit?
Two years ago, a man named Don came up to me after a lecture and told me the following story. Don worked as a truck driver, and a year earlier, his eight-year-old son had been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. Don read the diagnosis and decided that his son Troy was simply «not getting enough attention.» What else could this mean?
Don made it his goal to give his son more time. He always believed that raising children is the lot of women, and his task is to work hard to provide for the family financially. But now everything has changed. During the holidays and, if possible, after school, Troy began to drive around with his father in a truck. On weekends, which Don usually spent in the company of his friends who love motorcycles, Troy joined his father.
“We had to give up strong words in our conversations, behave more cultured, but the guys understood everything, and some also began to bring children with them,” Don told me with a smile.
The good news: Troy became a calm boy in just a couple of months, and he was even canceled a course of medication — the diagnosis of attention deficit disorder was removed. But father and son continued to spend a lot of time together, they just liked it. We won’t argue that attention deficit is actually fatherhood deficit, but in many cases it is.
Shortly speaking…
While the boy is in primary and secondary school, he needs to spend more time with his father and mother, getting help from them, gaining life knowledge and experience from them, enjoying their company. From an emotional point of view, the father in this period comes to the fore. The boy is ready to learn from him, listen to his words. As a rule, he begins to look up to his father. Mothers have something to go berserk about!
This span of six to fourteen years provides an ideal opportunity for a father to influence his son (and lay the foundations of a masculine character in him). This is time that should be put to good use. Any insignificant deeds are good: and outdoor games on summer evenings; and walks accompanied by conversations “for life” and stories about their own childhood; and sharing hobbies or sports. It is during this period that pleasant memories of childhood are laid in the memory of your son, which will nourish him all his life.
Do not be alarmed if your son behaves too coldly: this style of behavior is probably accepted in his school. Be persistent, and you will find that under the mask of feigned indifference lies a cheerful and playful child. Do not miss the opportunity to spend time with your son if he really wants to be in your company. Closer to youth, interests will drag him into the world around him. All I can do is urge you to do this: don’t miss your chance to be a part of your son’s life!
Fourteen and Over: Becoming a Man
Around the age of fourteen, a new stage of adolescence begins. As a rule, at this age, boys noticeably stretch in growth, but a striking change occurs in the body: testosterone levels rise by almost 800 percent!
Although everything is individual, but at this age they have something in common: they become more stubborn, restless, their mood often changes. And it’s not that they change for the worse, it’s just that a new personality is born in them, and birth always involves a struggle. They need to find answers to serious questions, plunge into new adventures, set new goals for themselves, determine priorities for the future — and meanwhile, the internal clock rushes them to live. See →
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.