Contents
The relationship is over, but not a day goes by that we don’t go to the page of the former … Why is this happening and when is it time to stop.
Who do they spend time with, who likes them, are they happy… Monitoring the social networks of former partners rarely brings us joy. We think that this process can ease our suffering.
Sometimes this happens, but only for a while, and then we sink even more into melancholy, which is mixed with resentment, jealousy, a feeling of the impossibility of changing anything.
But even having decided that we will no longer be interested in our “ex”, one day we again find ourselves reading their blogs and pages.
Want to know everything
Why do we do what we don’t want to do? “If you and your partner did not discuss the end of the relationship and did not explain to each other, if the separation was incomprehensible and blurred, then the psyche will try to complete the unfinished action,” explains family psychologist Dmitry Sobolev. “In this case, social networks serve as a source of information, and knowledge creates the illusion of control over the situation.”
The psyche does not tolerate any uncertainty, so we need to clarify everything and find the causes of events. Who is guilty? Could the relationship have developed differently, or was the separation a foregone conclusion? We are trying to find the missing answers by looking at how those who were once close to us live without us.
But if thirty years ago this would have had to act in a roundabout way, asking mutual acquaintances, today the Web provides unlimited opportunities and thus provokes us.
“From my computer it was possible to go to the mail of the former partner, and I read his correspondence for six months until he changed the password,” admits 35-year-old Alexandra. “I wanted to know how he treats me, what he writes about me to his friends.”
Someone monitors the social networks of the former in the hope of seeing evidence that fate punished the “offender”, someone is looking for reasons for a new rapprochement. But spying on ex-lovers is fraught with consequences. It can turn into an obsession because it gives short-term satisfaction. And at the same time it takes a lot of time and effort from us to the detriment of ourselves.
(Don’t) think about them
If we are used to following the former partner, it makes sense to pay attention to our own life: most likely, it is not arranged. “Only by realizing this fact, you will gradually stop looking back at the past and look into the future,” emphasizes the cognitive-behavioral therapist Kirill Yakovlev. “Therefore, it is better to focus on yourself, and not on espionage.”
Undying interest in past relationships can interfere with the creation of new ones. “If you make an acquaintance in the hope of taking revenge on your former partner and making him jealous, this venture may be successful, but it will not last long,” Dmitry Sobolev is sure. “And the relationship itself is unlikely to be strong, especially if the new partner notices your passion for the social networks of the former.”
Our attention is energy. Rationally speaking, it is not difficult to come to the conclusion that it is better to spend it not on finding information about a former partner, but on your own interests. But we rarely succeed in conquering reckless desires. What to do? They can be outwitted.
A technique based on the Polar Bear Effect, described in the mid-1990s by Harvard University psychology professor Daniel Wegner, will help with this. “The effect is that as soon as we forbid ourselves to think about something, for example, about polar bears, then we only think about it later,” explains Kirill Yakovlev.
“This happens because the “think” and “don’t think” commands trigger the same activity in the brain. Therefore, the simplest recommendation is not to forbid yourself to think about the former, but to tell yourself: “I will think about it in a week.” And do the same in a week.
Out of sight
The rule “Out of sight, out of mind” still works flawlessly. If you are not ready to completely unsubscribe from your former partner on the social network and cross out the familiar number from your contact list, ask yourself the question: “Why (for what purpose) do I log into this account over and over again?” Try to be honest with yourself.
“Next, ask yourself: am I getting what I do it for? If I do, how much do I need it? Is it good or bad for me? Dmitry Sobolev advises. – If you find that you are hurting yourself by surfing social media instead of taking care of your own life in the present, you may want to reallocate your time and not waste it on someone who is indifferent to you.
Ask yourself, “What else can I do with my time?” Write down the options and think about whether it is worth passing up those opportunities.” If we want to get positive emotions from life, the account of the former partner is definitely not the best place for this.
Self talk
Victoria Tsebrenko, psychologist of CPT-bot “Epicurus”
This way of coping with emotions will help you overcome the burning desire to know something about your ex. Write down the following phrases in a voice message or save to your notes:
- “Now I want to open Instagram / write to my ex because I feel (write feelings: sadness, curiosity…) and think that (describe the expected result: for example, “I will feel better”, “We will talk, and something will get better”…)”;
- “But I have repeatedly convinced/convinced that it will work like this: (insert typical short-term and long-term consequences: for example, “I will be relieved, but then I will fall into memories even more”, “I will immediately feel bad, and I will cry all evening)”);
- “I’d rather try… (write in activities that will switch attention, for example, “call a friend”, “go to the gym” or “take a bath”).
- Add a supportive phrase. It needs to be thought out in advance and formulated as softly as possible, for example: “Now is a very difficult period, and, of course, I want to look at his social networks, even if it will be bad after. Everything is fine with me. I’ll try to take care of myself and switch.”