Today, when the discussion of gender roles is becoming increasingly heated and intransigent, paying a restaurant bill takes on additional meaning. And here, not only long-standing traditions that were not invented by us are important, but also our behavioral characteristics, as well as expectations and ideas about love.
When the waiter brought the bill for dinner, they did not even kiss – they only barely touched each other’s lips … It was still not too late to win everything back, but it was necessary to decide on feelings and decide how to continue the evening …
In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal, the #Metoo (“me too”) flash mob that followed, and the many discussions about what counts as sexual harassment and what doesn’t, the issue of paying for dinner takes on a new dimension. Undoubtedly, we are talking about power, money, sex, but we should not forget about the unconscious. In other words, everything is much more complicated than it seems at first glance.
Symbolism of money
Lack of reaction or indecision can immediately lead to disaster. “If he hesitates another second, I take out my bank card. It’s a way to let a man know he didn’t live up to expectations, says 39-year-old Veronica. “And this is irreparable: castles in the air collapsed at the very beginning of construction work!”
Robert, 50, thinks good manners oblige men to pay the bill, and women should take it for granted: “If she wants to participate in the payment, it kills all the romance. A woman makes it clear that she doesn’t care about you.”
Is it worth it to give importance to who will pay for dinner, if your desire is at stake? “When, having received the bill, he looked at me inquiringly, all charm dissipated like smoke. It’s not about money, it’s just that a man should be able to take responsibility, ”notes 40-year-old Laura.
And 28-year-old Irina drew attention to the fact that, having paid for dinner, her gentleman, trying not to attract too much attention, put the check in his pocket: “Spending on me will be written off by his company as representation expenses. It cooled my ardor…”
Confusion suggests that the two would like to communicate within the given social roles.
35-year-old Victor admits that when he sees an account, he is always afraid that he has lost his card or that there will be problems with the transaction, despite the sufficient amount of funds in the account.
“The issue of payment shows how close the two are,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. – Those who can calmly discuss it without resentment and embarrassment have a great potential for the development of relations. And confusion suggests that they would like to communicate within the framework of given social roles and worry about their compliance with these roles more than about their feelings for another and about his relationship with him.
The symbolic meaning of money is emphasized by psychoanalyst Ilana Reiss-Schimmel: “They take us back to early childhood. Unconsciously, we associate money with a nursing breast, with the phallus embodying strength and the choice “to have or not to have.” In an erotic context, they inevitably raise questions: “How much am I worth?”, “Do I have everything to please?”
If you want
Recently, there was no such question as to who in a couple pays for dinner – it is clear that a man. But today we are influenced by European values, including feminism, first of all. And secondly, students and even schoolchildren who spend pocket money given by their parents can meet in a cafe. How to be in this case?
“The one who invites pays,” says 23-year-old Svetlana. “But, of course, if a guy pays for me, I’m pleased, I understand that he likes me.” This is not a purely Russian feature. “Today, some girls are waiting for a man to pay the bill because it proves they are desirable,” writes New York Times feminist columnist Maureen Dowd.
Social laws conflict with the laws of desire, notes Ilana Reiss-Schimmel: “At this point, the equality of men and women is forgotten. From the point of view of ethology, we are talking about demonstrative behavior during courtship. At an unconscious level, a woman expects a man to play the role of mother-nurse and father-protector. In this way, cultural attitudes regulate sexual desire.
When a man pays for a woman, he demonstrates her desire and even sexual potential.
Psychotherapist Jacques-Antoine Malarevich puts forward the following suggestion: “A man who offers a woman to share the cost of dinner is actually trying to redistribute the roles. He sends a message: “I am ready to give up the male prerogative in terms of payment, but are you ready to give up your femininity in exchange?” Only a few women perceive this signal without distortion.
“More and more men are using feminism to justify their greed,” 30-year-old Anna resents. – In my opinion, it is normal that a man pays at the beginning of communication. He must charm me and show his generosity. When a man pays for a woman, he shows her desire and even sexual potential.
But the rules of good manners neutralized this moment, turning the payment into a simple ritual. “I always cry for women because that’s how I was taught,” says Konstantin, 26. “And I know perfectly well that what can be after dinner is not bought.”
New RPGs
Those who pay or allow themselves to be paid do not always do so out of their hearts. Often they have to accept the inevitable. “The payment procedure is psychologically traumatic,” says Stepan, 45. “A woman falls in my eyes if she begins to evaluate herself depending on whether I cry or not.”
50-year-old Alexandra comes to the following conclusion: “If I accept a man’s invitation to dine at his expense in a restaurant, knowing in advance that I am not going to sleep with him, then I feel like a fraud.” She even sometimes had to give in to men, because they “did not stint” (an expensive restaurant, champagne, a nightclub …): “I felt cornered – it seemed to me that I now owe them …”
Gender roles are changing radically, and the initiative comes more from women
“A self-confident man will not consider himself deceived, even if the woman does not want to continue the evening in his arms,” Inna Shifanova believes, “because a joint dinner is flirting, it’s “maybe”, and not signing an agreement of intent. Therefore, a woman is not obliged to “pay” with her body or feel guilty if she did not. The meeting itself is already joy and pleasure.
Anna, 30, says there are men she always has to pay herself with – “they want more than just dinner when you don’t want it yet.” But more and more often we have to face the fact that gender roles are changing radically and the initiative comes more from women than from indecisive men.
“If I pay for dinner, I feel freer. I am not obliged to sleep with her, paying for dinner, ”admits 35-year-old Ilya. He says that once he was invited to dinner by a girl younger than him, “resolute, but not impudent. She wanted to play Amazon, and I agreed to join the game.