Special connection: how the relationship between the psychologist and the client is built

Love but not action

The relationship with the therapist is paradoxical—those of us who have ever been (or are currently going through) psychotherapy will agree with this. Just starting it, we feel that it has become very difficult to do without this person. And this despite the fact that we strive to become freer, gain greater independence. The terms of meetings with the therapist are rigidly “formalized”, and at the same time, it is these relationships that give us a sense of security, allow us to become extremely sincere, share memories, and speak openly about desires and fears. (Provided that we have found a good specialist and feel we can trust him.)

On the part of the psychotherapist, the decision to work with the patient also comes on the basis of a subjective feeling. Including because between them there is a resonance, which allows a therapeutic relationship to begin. This emotional unconscious response was reflected by Sigmund Freud in terms of «transference» and «countertransference».

“Transference,” explains psychoanalyst Andrey Rossokhin, “is a process in which the patient, without realizing it, endows his analyst (psychotherapist) with the qualities of various people, relations with whom played a large role in his life, mainly in childhood. At the same time, he re-experiences the feelings, desires, fears that these people once aroused in him, and begins to experience them in relation to his analyst. And in response, he also experiences certain emotions that make up his countertransference. These mutual feelings make it possible to understand what the patient’s painful experience is and to move forward in treatment.

The therapist may experience a variety of feelings, including tenderness and even attraction to the client or client, but the transition to action is excluded.

“Sexual relations “therapist and client” are impossible,” emphasizes the Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. — This principle provides the client with complete security: he can freely express himself and any of his feelings without fear of abuse by the therapist. In Gestalt therapy, there is no prohibition on erotic feelings, the therapist can flirt in response to the client’s flirting, but this happens only as part of the therapeutic process.

The one to whom we reveal our true «I»

Many of us are the children of working parents who have not had time to seriously engage in education. And for us, a psychologist or psychotherapist becomes an ideal interlocutor: finally, they are interested in us, they accept us. A psychotherapist who listens to us without giving judgment or advice is the one to whom we are ready to reveal our secrets, our true «I», our shadow sides, oddities and quirks, new facets of our being.

As it was with 41-year-old Veronica: “In psychotherapy sessions, I am no longer the wife of such and such, not the daughter of such and such … I am only me and exactly me, the way I am at this very moment. I am accepted in this capacity, and I fully experience my own uniqueness.

Money is part of the deal

Listening and being present without judgment is the essence of the psychotherapist’s profession (and we can’t find it anywhere else). This service is paid. In this case, money is an important tool of therapy. “Payment is a guarantee of the client’s independence,” says Nifont Dolgopolov, “it helps him free himself from a sense of duty towards the psychotherapist.”

It took a while for Alice, 42, to realize this: “I wanted to please my therapist and be the perfect client. So I only told funny stories. But gradually I realized that I pay for this time, which means that it belongs to me and I can dispose of it as I see fit. It was a grand realization: there was something in the world just for me! And then I allowed myself to tell the therapist everything … And the therapy finally began.

Therapist is the «wrong friend»

Psychotherapy sets clear limits: regular sessions, special rituals for each type of therapy, limited time, known payment. And, since all the restrictions are already set, inside them there is a field for the emergence of real freedom. The psychotherapist knows how not to put his mood, his feelings, his personality in the foreground.

“If I spend time with a friend, we exchange information on equal terms,” continues Nifont Dolgopolov. He tells me about his life, and I tell him about mine. I tell him about my experiences, because I enjoy it, I want it. Not so with the client. I listen to him. I do not hide my feelings, but when I say something to him, I do it with a strictly defined therapeutic goal: to help him deal with his problems. Therefore, the psychotherapist is always the “wrong friend.” In relations with the client, he maintains a distance that is beneficial to the client.

The code of ethics of the profession forbids psychotherapists not only sexual relations, but even friendship with clients, because it can disrupt the therapeutic connection and damage therapy.

Respect and don’t judge

“The feeling of trust in the therapist, the conviction that this particular person will help, of course, is subjective, but this is the first and, perhaps, the main step towards solving personal problems,” Andrey Rossokhin believes. The therapeutic connection works like an echo: what happens to the client in the session repeats the events of his life. Are you angry with your therapist for talking too much in sessions? Fight for your territory. Is it difficult for you to bear being separated from him? Together with him, learn to part with those you love.

By developing a special bond with the therapist, therapy allows us to rethink the ways in which we relate to others. “And he teaches to respect the other without judging him and respecting himself at the same time,” adds Nifont Dolgopolov.

Walk the path together

The personality of the therapist is of great importance for the outcome of therapy. “Real presence is needed; so that you have a living person in front of you, — Nifont Dolgopolov is sure. “You can consult a brilliant intellectual and get nothing but dry information. In addition, when you spend time with a person who has a real life experience, when you feel that this person suffered, loved, forgot himself for the sake of others, was able to collect himself after experienced trials, this communication can become a new source of energy for you.

It is impossible to predict what these meetings will be like, because each union of a psychotherapist and a client is unique. Turning to a psychotherapist means going through part of the life path, having at your disposal the personal and professional experience of the person you yourself have chosen. But if with some professional your contact does not add up, you can always turn to another.

Another paradox of the therapeutic relationship is that it ends sooner or later. “When a patient gains the ability to think about himself as a psychotherapist, this means that he is already strong enough to continue the inner work on his own,” says Andrey Rossokhin. “At this point, therapy can be completed.”