After returning from the Air Force in 2013, my 12-year-old son often repeated: “Positive, constructive, responsible” … True, when asked what he puts into the concepts of “constructive” and “responsibility”, he could not say anything intelligible. I had to do explanations. He nodded…
Six months have passed. He is already thirteen. To my surprise, he sometimes began to ask me the question: “Why did you tell me this, for what purpose?”
A few months ago, he once again made an attempt to agree on a possible option for acquiring a tablet. Despite the fact that I categorically stated that I would not buy this gadget for him, he did not lose hope and continued to look for a gap in “my defense”. Another attempt sounded like this: he will earn money as a promoter (we allow him to earn extra money — as a reward for good grades) and buy a gadget with his earnings.
Once again, I refused him, explaining that until the age of 18, my mother and I would decide what he can own, what he can buy and what not, etc. He, of course, has the right to participate in discussions, but we have the right to “veto” if we cannot agree …
The son was upset, but did not give up. “Why do many of my peers have a tablet for a long time, but I don’t. Why why why???»
“We will allow you not only to purchase gadgets and give you more freedom in other matters if we see that you have learned to control yourself. That is, you are not controlled by your momentary “wants”: play games on the computer, watch TV, etc. … Or “wants” — do not make the bed, do not clean the room, do not fill out the diary … When, before doing something or not to do it, you will answer the question: why and why am I doing this, or not doing it. Then we can, as parents, allow you to make independent decisions on a wider range of issues.
«Good! the son said. — It’s simple. Think I’m in control now!»
On the morning before school, we went into his bedroom with the words: “Son, you control yourself? So your room is in order?»
From that day on, we consciously began to link all the tasks solved by the son with how much he controls himself. Order in the room, personal hygiene, lessons, dog care, etc. As a result, now we do not have to be reminded of what previously had to be repeated several times a day. But the main thing that pleases is that now he actually considers many issues through the prism of the questions “why”, what will it give him.
So quite recently, the son once again asked to buy him a new book «Metro 2033» or «S.T.A.L.K.E.R.» He read twenty or thirty of them. I offered him a compromise: he would read V. Pikul’s «I have the honor», and after that I would buy him «S.T.A.L.K.E.R.» He agreed. One evening, he came into my bedroom and happily said that he had finished reading the book by V. Pikul and asked: “Will you buy me S.T.A.L.K.E.R.” ? I replied that we would talk tomorrow morning on the way to school. The son became alert, and with the words “It looks like they cheated me!” released.
On the way to school, I immediately indicated that I did not renounce my promise, but asked me to discuss one issue first, and then the decision to buy the next S.T.A.L.K.E.R. behind him. Then he asked him, as a self-controlled person, to answer the question: why would he read the book S.T.A.L.K.E.R., spend time on it, and I will spend money, what will she give him? He replied that reading this book would bring him pleasure. “You see, again “hochuhi”, but zero benefit! The books «Port Arthur», «I have the honor», «Les Misérables», which you read, describe real historical events and characters. If from these books you learn about the history of your country, you see examples of the heroic behavior of our compatriots, in addition, the most interesting, close to reality stories also give pleasure, then S.T.A.L.K.E.R. look, at least an empty, useless pastime, tearing you away from real life.
After our discussion, the son said in his hearts: “How bad it is to have a psychologist dad! I wanted the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. book for another 15 minutes, and now I don’t. Okay, let’s talk about what book I’m going to read next?»
Nothing that I have to tell him so far, but a start has been made.
This article left few people indifferent, various comments — the sea. Before you leave your comment, the Psychologos editors recommend that you familiarize yourself with the reflections of psychologist Natalia Dvorkina:
“An important and necessary article, in my opinion! In most comments, the discussion is centered around two topics: the prohibition of buying a gadget and reading books for pleasure, but the article says much more!
First: the son himself began to ask dad: “He sometimes began to ask me a question: “Why did you tell me this, for what purpose?” — that is, the conversation started much earlier and is already yielding results.
Second: the father is ready to negotiate with his son, if I understand the author correctly. But it is precisely to negotiate, to listen to reasoned arguments, and not just “I want!”
Third: the son «once again asked» — that is, before that he was met halfway and given the opportunity to «read just for fun.» However, at the age of 13, it is already quite time to make an informed choice. At the very least, honestly tell yourself: “This is what I do solely for pleasure, and there is no benefit in it.”
Fourth, the father associated the issue of buying gadgets with the boy’s self-control. And the boy agreed to it! Moreover, he brought it to life! Dear colleagues, isn’t the ability to control oneself, one’s actions, one’s desires, coupled with the ability to make an informed choice, one of the signs of an adult? I think it is. In this case, the father brings up just that very adulthood, which is sometimes so lacking in adults, it would seem, people.
And fifth: there was no ban on the book! Look closely at the last paragraph. “How bad it is to have a psychologist dad! I wanted the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. book for another 15 minutes, and now I don’t. Okay, let’s talk about what book I’m going to read next?» It seems that this is not a ban, but a reorientation of desires. After all, you can read a book at the same time and with pleasure and profit.
Moreover, the article ends with the fact that the son is ready to discuss the next book. Father and son talk and agree, the boy learns to think, argue, make decisions and take responsibility for them. Dear women, aren’t these qualities we want to see in men? We want to, but such qualities do not fall from the sky themselves, they must be educated. Can this be done in some other way? Maybe yes. Most likely, there are different ways of parenting, and each parent has their own experience. Alexander Nekrasov shares his experience with us, and I am grateful to him for that.”
Later, a very informative letter from Svetlana Kononova came:
“Alexander, you are great. At the age of 12, your son is already thinking about seriousness, growing up in an atmosphere where this is accepted, where responsibility for one’s decisions is the norm. Where “I want and I like” is not a sufficient argument in pressure on a parent, where is the question “What do you need it for? What’s the point? What prompted you? What will you get? are asked seriously and the answers to them are also taken seriously. Keep it up! Maybe I will not help you practically, but I can give a small sketch of what your position can give. Not to you, your son.
Raising responsibility is not an easy task and not for one year. I am not speaking from scratch, my eldest son turned 18 six months ago, he began to live separately, study and work. Six months have passed and you can see the first results of all our “graters” on the basis of “I want, but you don’t give”, “why do you decide for me” and other statements in the same spirit from my son to me.
So:
“Until the age of 18, we (adults) will decide what you own and what you buy…”
Yes exactly. It is we who guard him, and he is the guardian (it was in this spirit that we talked from controversial points until he was 18 years old). As soon as he does not need guardianship (once), and as soon as the law relieves us (adults) of this obligation (two), the right to decide is transferred to him (son). My goal as a parent is to do everything so that this happens at least no later than 18. If we (my son and I) want him to make decisions earlier, then I must do everything to ensure that they are balanced and reasoned.
“He has the right to participate in discussions … but we (parents) have the right to“ veto ”
Fact. True, if the son’s argumentation turned out to be stronger than ours in matters of gadgets and other things, then he would get what he wanted. And the argument is not words, but deeds. Sometimes it was. Fact.
Now he is 18 and I can see how wisely he manages money. For six months, he didn’t have anything from “wants”, only “needs”. True, he earns money for all this himself. I help “for study”, but 3 thousand a month for a young man who rents a room (we have 4 thousand minimum) and lives (eating, dressing …) on his own, you see, only for insurance and “pants support”. True, he knows that he can call and ask for lunch :-)). True, while helping me around the house. Well, if force majeure, I’ll help. But «hochuhi» does not «gnaw» him. Yes, they exist (for sure!), because the society shouts with all the power of the mass media “Want!!! You must have it!!!» But if inside a person there is a question “Why? For what? And why do I need it and right now? ”Decisions in spite of the emotions of society are easier to make. There is no such breaking and burning tears from the general misfortune of life in the soul.
About books, or, if I may be more general, about «buy me something for fun.» Not so long ago, my son said: I will buy any book for myself, the main thing is that it be GOOD. That’s exactly what he said in capital letters. This means that the balls are spinning in the head, cutting off the dregs and «soap» from the real, from what will hurt the soul, teach, make you think. I’m not only about books, but also about everything else, about everything that you can «glance at, just to kill time, so as not to be bored.» He does not have the Internet, but I watched what films came to me to download. A set, I’ll say, hmm … “Time”, “Law-abiding”, “Hachiko”, “Hunger Games”, “Butterfly Effect” … Somehow at the age of 18 seriously .. Let not books, films, but not simple ones. I myself watched them, an ambiguous impression, there is something to think about … But it seems to me that at the age of 18 I had NOTHING to think about, but my son has … Maybe this is from there? From the fact that time is a pity for emptiness? From the fact that there is understanding, what is business, and what is empty?
I remember how sometimes it was difficult for him to explain why he wouldn’t have this, why you need to ask yourself this three times obsessed question: “what do you need it for?”. To be honest, in a feminine-emotional way, it sometimes hurt me to look at his suffering eyes … I literally clung to my conviction with my teeth: It’s necessary … It’s necessary to have a conscious understanding, and not to float like a chip along the river of my (and my own?) desires «. Now I see that the son is not a sliver. It doesn’t carry it, it floats. Thinking, planning life…
So, Alexander, let’s think about what we wish our children to be happy. Smart, worthy, kind, strong and built by them. Good luck and thanks for the article!