This is a learning situation for students of the University of Practical Psychology. Imagine that you, as a consultant, were approached by a woman.
God, 40 years old. Husband died 6 years ago. One is raising her son Artem, who is now 19 years old. Works two jobs, very tired. Pays for his son’s college education and a rented apartment. The son is used to being provided by his mother, and is not going to get a job to help financially. He says that he won’t work in his specialty anyway, he doesn’t like the specialty (my mother forced me to do it). He studies poorly, spends most of his time playing computer games. At the same time, money is always in short supply.
Alla complains that she does not know what to do with her son. After work, the forces remain only to grumble at him and read notations that he does not perceive. She wants her son to take up his mind and become a Man.
The first educational task: «Ethicotypes». Comment on the situation from the point of view of etikotypes. What ethicotypes would you classify Alla and Artem? Justify your point of view.
The second educational task: «Time Machine». Imagine that scientists have invented a time machine that allows you to travel back 5-10-15 years. Client Alla comes to you with the same request, and together you go back several years to help her change something in raising her son. Write some recommendations (related to the topic of ethicotypes) that can help Alla.
The third educational task: «Conversation». Imagine yourself in Alla’s place now. You have the opportunity to talk with your son and influence the situation. How would you organize the conversation? What would you say to your son? Write a short monologue based on the topic of ethicotypes.
Students of the University of Practical Psychology answer
The first educational task: «Ethicotypes».
Elena Kuzmina, psychologist, coach:
Artem is definitely a Parasite. He lives at the expense of his mother, both financially (mom provides) and in terms of behavior (mom chooses college). In his life, he arranges chaos — he does not want to study, he plays computer games.
Allah is a Romantic. Wants everything to be perfect (son becomes a Man), does not take care of himself (works two jobs), is unhappy with the situation (reads lectures and complains). Alla manifests herself as an altruist — her son is dearer to her than herself. Very strong attachment to the son.
I want to note that both of them have a minimum scale of personality, because. the circle of their interaction is limited to each other, i.e. with his family.
Detailed Recommendations
I would suggest that Alla go together 10 years ago, at a time when her husband is still alive, and Artem is in elementary school. Alla can offer the following recommendations:
- To make a plan. Write how Alla and her husband would like to see their son in 10 years. Indicate his qualities of character, his occupation, other features of his life. Then write what Artem is now: highlight his strengths and areas of growth. Identify areas in which efforts need to be made. For each direction, prescribe those actions that will help to achieve the desired result. Discuss this plan with Artem.
- Get your son interested in learning. To do this, send him to circles to develop the necessary qualities — for example, chess, studying a computer, drawing, singing, dancing, young physicists / chemists, a theater group, etc. In addition, send him to the sports section, according to his interests.
- Instill in your son the habit of obeying his parents. To do this, Alla herself needs to realize that Artyom needs her guiding hand, that it depends only on herself how her son will grow up. Then, firmly and confidently develop obedience: daily achieve the fulfillment of lessons and any other assignments of parents.
- Actively involve your son in helping with the housework. Washing dishes, cleaning up after themselves and everyone else, washing, ironing and mending clothes, buying food — all these things a child can learn to do with high quality. First, let him try it himself, and Alla praises him for his efforts and tells him how to do better.
- Learn to give Artem the right feedback. Instead of grumbling and lecturing, use «plus-help-plus».
- Engage in your own development, set a good example for your son.
Points 1,2 and 3 are the main ones. They transfer Alla from the position of the Romantic to the position of the Creator. Through these points, she takes responsibility for her son’s development and will realize her idealistic vision at her own expense. Item 5 also helps her move into the position of the Creator, because formulating «+help+» she moves from complaints to specific instructions and solutions to problems.
Points 3 and 4 transfer Artyom from the position of the Parasite to the position of at least the Consumer, and in the presence of point 5 — to the Creator. If Artyom has the habit of obeying his parents, then he will also obey himself later, will do what is necessary. Work will be in the first place for him — and this is the position of the Creator. If he has before his eyes all his childhood there will be an example of a mother (possibly a father) who have a clear plan of action (points 1 and 6), then he will plan ahead all his life.
By and large, whether Artem becomes a Consumer or a Creator depends entirely on his parents. Alla has high values - will she be able to pass them on to her son? It seems to me that by directly imposing these values, it will only cause rejection. Then Artem will use all the skills of planning, thriftiness, interest in learning, integrity for himself as a Consumer.
If Alla succeeds in conveying her values gently, then Artyom will have a great future and the instilled skills will greatly help him in the position of the Creator.
Recommendations from Evgeny Khadzhimatov
15 years ago (4 years old son)
Ideally, give birth to a second child, but if this cannot be done according to the conditions of the assignment, then get a dog (such as a Labrador) so that the son begins to interact with her responsibly. Give him specific puppy care responsibilities that he can do at that age. The goal is to educate in him care for the other, responsibility, etc.
Twice a week, a swimming pool in the children’s group is very small, so that there is communication with peers and, of course, swimming itself.
Read fairy tales and let them watch more cartoons, where there is a morality of nobility, helping each other, praising other important positive human qualities.
Give to a normal kindergarten, where children are engaged in terms of development, with a good program and qualified teachers.
10 years ago (9 years old son)
Boxing or wrestling section (sambo, judo) — 3 times a week. It is important that there is a good coach who will have the right outlook on life. Often good coaches, in addition to physical development, inspire boys with very useful principles and give good advice, which has a positive effect on the formation of a male character.
Letting him walk the dog on his own more and more.
To study at school in his understanding, as one of the most important duties that it is important for him to perform as well as possible. Help him with his lessons intelligently, involve him in the learning process, and in such subjects as literature and geography, give him independent knowledge outside the school curriculum (for example, information that is interesting for him about books, writers, different places).
Start practicing summer and winter children’s camps. For general development, communication with peers and the formation of the habit of living according to the regime.
On weekends, make trips with the whole family to the park, out of town, plan various trips to interesting places.
5 years ago (son 14 years old)
Boxing or wrestling — continue (3 times a week).
The dog is completely on it in terms of walking.
Immediately after the death of my husband — a serious and frank conversation with my son about the fact that his father is gone, now you and I are alone in the family, it is important for us to get together and so that everyone is as involved as possible in different affairs. It would also be good for him to tell him that it is quite possible that after some time she will build her personal life anew, and that the son would initially look positively at this and respect her choice, which, of course, will be adequate and useful both for her and for her. for him.
At the age of 16, discuss with him the idea of a summer (or weekend) part-time job so that he himself can earn for himself for small expenses.
Most focus on finding an adequate man and create a new family with him. A man should be provided to some understandable extent, and to fall in love and make friends with his son.
1-2 times a year for the son, special teenage trainings for the development of leadership, responsibility, etc.
Imagine yourself in Alla’s place now
You have the opportunity to talk with your son and influence the situation. How would you organize the conversation? What would you say to your son? Write a short monologue based on the topic of ethicotypes.
“Awakened” mother Alla, to her 19-year-old son-parasite: “Son, in general, the situation is as follows. I have difficulties at work, and soon I won’t be able to support the two of us alone anymore, there simply won’t be enough money. Now with a job it’s not easy at all, I’m unlikely to be able to find a new one, and, frankly, I’m already very tired of two jobs. Since you are already an adult, I think that we can talk like adults and find solutions together. Given all these circumstances, I see two options:
First option: You urgently begin to help me by getting a job and changing the form of college education, either to evening or part-time. In terms of helping you choose where to get a job, I will help you in any way I can, but you yourself, I think, will decide this.
The second option: You suspend your studies (but do not drop out) and go to serve in the army for a year. Since you still do not want to work in your specialty, the army in may be the way out. The state will support you for a year, and if the army is yours, then you will have the opportunity to stay to serve under the contract, and you will receive a salary. Maybe they can help with housing. Who knows, maybe you will enter a higher military institution in absentia, without interrupting your service.
My dear son, smart and mature, what do you think about this?
And these are the recommendations of Natasha Yezherkina:
We will assume that Alla wants to raise at least the Consumer, and better — the Creator.
Why? Because only these ethical types live in the position of the Author and satisfy her request: the son should be able and willing to take care of at least himself (and it would be nice, probably, to take care of his mother too in the future). What could have been done earlier to raise a responsible adult child?
The reference point of the time machine is «-15 years», Artem is 4 years old.
What could be done:
1. Teach your child to obey mom and dad the first time.
2. Burden the child with small household chores that he can handle:
- put away your toys in an appropriate designated place;
- neatly fold and hang (on a chair) your clothes;
- help mom and dad (for example, bring small things);
- help set the table (carry forks, spoons, napkins).
3. As an adult, thank your child for caring for others and praise him for helping when he:
- performs his duties without being reminded;
- for doing things voluntarily with care for others (not duties: for example, wiping the table, watering flowers, or cleaning up after pets);
- for the desire to develop (for example, a child asks to teach him the alphabet).
4. It is necessary to give the child an example of caring for strangers or acquaintances, except for relatives:
- draw his attention to the fact that older children and young people give way to the elderly, the disabled and pregnant women, mothers with small children. It is important to explain why this is being done.
- how young people help grandmothers carry heavy bags;
- other examples of concern.
5. From childhood, teach your child to play sports. When choosing a sport, you can take into account his opinion and agree that since he has chosen, he will walk for a certain minimum of time, even if he doesn’t like it. By this we wean from the idea that parents will satisfy any of his desires every time, and we teach him to be responsible for his choice.
6. Limit entertainment that does not develop or develop little: cartoons, computer games, etc.
7. To teach that mom and dad have the right to allocate time / resources only for themselves, and, for example, leave them alone for 1 hour a day and play on their own at this time. For example, mom is wearing makeup or is busy with important work. It is important that the child does not develop selfishness. Example: when I told my son as a child: “Now play it yourself while I finish this thing.” And he knew that at this time it was forbidden to be capricious and divert attention to oneself without good reason. This is the parent STOP.
The reference point is «-10 years», Artem is 9 years old.
1. A boy of this age had to give up his seat in public transport to “privileged” categories of citizens without being reminded.
2. In addition to sports, it was necessary to find him an occupation that would give him food for thought. At least an aeromodelling circle, music, a young astronomer, etc.
3. The number of household chores should have increased according to age:
- clean the floor;
- walk the dog (if any);
- keep your clothes, desk and bed in order and clean;
- make the bed, wash the dishes, etc.;
- buy items on the list.
The reference point is «-5 years», Artem is 14 years old.
At this age, the child should already be responsible and independent.
At this age, as we understand, Artem was left without a dad. And first of all, he must now help his mother and take care of her, like an adult man.
- Prepare food (at least dinner for the arrival of mom from work).
- Anticipate the needs of others and take appropriate action (for example, seeing that the house has run out of bread, buy it yourself.). Example: My mother is a doctor. And my sister and I have been realizing since the age of 12 that mother can and should be taken care of without her request, by starching and stroking her medical gown for work.
- If possible, earn some money (for example, at this age you can work as a promoter);
- Be able to do simple repairs (fix a broken switch).
The third educational task: «Conversation».
Oleg Glagovsky:
What would you do? Writing. I would set up a meeting with my son on a day off with a time limit of one hour, so that he knows that this is not a conversation for 5 minutes, but it will not take the whole day.
When my son arrived, I would set a small table, seat him, give him something to eat, after that I would start a conversation, the essence of which boils down to the following monologue (on behalf of my mother):
“My dear son, I have a conversation with you. You are already an adult, so let’s talk like adults. I will speak, you do not interrupt, but just listen and think, you will answer later. Here is a sheet for you, if you have questions or comments, write here so as not to forget.
I’ve been lecturing a lot lately and grumbling at you. I don’t think this is correct. I won’t grumble at you anymore, but I won’t support you either. It’s time for you to move forward with your own life. At the moment, you only care about yourself, but in fact you don’t even think about yourself: entertainment and computer games are not a concern, but you study poorly and don’t turn into a person with a capital letter yet.
You have some success in your studies, but in my opinion — not great, insufficient, they could be more, and for such studies I do not plan to feed and support you. Therefore, I expect you to quickly find a job and start working. Only in this case I will help you with money. Specifically, during the next week you have to go to 3 interviews and go to work in a week.
What kind of work it will be — I don’t care much, it could be McDonald’s. If your friends can laugh at you, let, the main thing is that you will grow up, and you will deal with your friends yourself.
So finding a job is the first step. But that is not all.
In two weeks you will start exercising. Choose your own sport — karate, tennis, fitness, but at least dancing, it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that I see that you have begun to work on yourself.
So: the first week is interviews, the second week is work, the third week is sports. You start a new life. I’m ready to help you son. What do you say, man? We are together?».
Natalya Jeherkina:
Alla should put everything in its place. So, A is Allah, C is a son.
A: Artem, I need to have a serious talk with you. You are already an adult adult man, you have a family ahead of you, and I think that you need to prepare you for this.
S: I’m fine with it.
A: But I have ceased to be «normal», so I put you before the facts:
1. From the next month I stop paying for a rented apartment, the owner is already aware of it.
2. I won’t let you go home either, give me back the keys.
3. Starting next month, you are moving to a college dormitory, I have already agreed with the commandant.
4. I give you a month to get a part-time job. At least get a job at McDonald’s so that I understand that you have stopped parasitism.
5. This month I give you money only for travel, I will bring food to the hostel for a month. From next month, I (and then temporarily) only pay you for your studies.
S: well, I won’t study then, I’ll quit, anyway I don’t like this college, you made me do it.
A: If you drop out of school and continue the life of a loafer, then from the next draft you go to the army, and there you will definitely be taught responsibility and hard work.
S: Mom, how is it?
A: Artem, I love you and I will make a man out of you. It should have been done much earlier, but now the chances are great.
Stanislav S.
It is believed that a person will perceive new, important information better if it is written down instead of just spoken. Therefore, one evening, having come home, the son will find a note next to dinner:
My dear Artyom, hello!
Today, while preparing this dinner, I remembered you and rejoiced. Still, it is so nice for a mother to know that she has an adult, strong son. You have grown talented and you can do so much!
And I suddenly realized that I now need moral support from you. And lately I remember my dad very often, and it’s not right at the second job: the dollar is growing, the cu is falling, a third of our department has been laid off. At first I did not want to tell you, I thought I would stay, and everything would be as before. And today I found out that I also got laid off.
(Allah! This lie will be useful in the name of your future son).
Excuse me, I guess that’s why I’ve been grumbling at you lately. I want you to be fine, if suddenly I can’t help you sometime.
I lost a significant part of my income and, unfortunately, the current, paid month for your apartment is all I can give you. Next month you will have to temporarily return to me. However, I believe that you will quickly fix it if you want.
I also know that you are busy, that you get tired and sometimes you want to rest. For example, at the computer. This is normal for a man, and sometimes I myself want to escape from real reality. Only, you and I are not movie heroes, we have a lot of household chores, and they need to be done.
I propose the following: tomorrow I will come to visit you, and we will talk about how we will live on. We need to solve several questions:
What date are you moving back in with me? How long do you want to stay with me? Month? Two?
Agree on what chores you help me around the house. As a man, I suggest that you do the following things: buy food (we will walk together, you will help carry the bags home), clean the kitchen after I have prepared the meal (though men are better cooks than women, and if you want, so that we change, and you cook, and I clean, I’m only “for!”), Take out the trash, help me with wet cleaning. I believe that you will do all these things quickly and will be able to continue doing whatever you see fit.
In the next few months, due to the cuts, I won’t be able to give you as much money as I used to. I’m sure if you need more, you’ll find a way to earn them. And I will help you with advice, if you want, I will tell you how you can hold on to interviews.
I promise you that we will resolve all these issues honestly, and none of us will work harder than the other. And, of course, I will respectfully listen to your suggestions on how we can adequately get out of this situation. I believe you can come up with something even better!
Artyom, see you tomorrow! See you tonight.
(Alla, when you write this letter, read the book “The Adventures of Major Zvyagin”, the story about Anuchin. Do you see the analogy?)